messages from the other side of the brink of certain disaster

IT's the strangest phenomenon when I encounter people I have mistakenly thought them enlightened free thinkers, turn out to be ignorant hillbillies full of fear. Just last night on the phone I was blindsided by yet another acquaintance showing me who they really are. I subscribe to Maya Angelou's notion that when people show you who they are, Believe them the FIrst time. Something made me think of Mike Tague the other day and what a kick he would have gotten out of the democrat getting term 2. He had a bunch of pictures with he and John Kerry. (go figure) and he was pro democrat several years before he died. Of course what would and aged queen with a bad face-lift do in Fort Dodge anyway. Wow, that felt weird to type in my head he's still in Iowa and I just haven't talked to him. ha..

The first time I was in Rusk State Hospital I was sort of the well'Ist" fellow on the floor. These poor men couldn't hold a conversation. I finally sat next to a white guy and started having conversation.. I was thrill , at last someone to talk to. Imagine my surprise when he began to tell me how he was Ronald Reagan's exact blood time and he was held prisoner for his blood for 8 years . Then he jumped into his certainty the George Bush Jr was rearranging all the satellites in the sky because he had to send cable network feeds to other planets that were monitoring us......
I was really disappointed when he turn left on me but his certainty of his point of view made my body react with goose bumps as if it were plausible.
I hate it when my liberal guard fails me and Bush drone sneaks in.

I had 9 years of being completely off the radar. Agoraphobic and abusing every psych med and benzo i could find, but when it was time to return to life. I blocked out ever news channel, every Court TV, every murder dramatization. I suddenly started shielding myself from all the dark ick, that is available if I invite in. I have certainty that marinating yourself in terrifying world news will drive you mad. Mad to the point of no return. I watched endless loops of Court tV Murders and Dominic Dunne. GRIM. lol

Changes are necessary for ongoing spriritual growth and the understanding of how self will can derail Me.

my dear friend

It is within my contact with you that I am able to grasp the concept of "Bittersweet". How do you want your children to thrive without succumbing to the urge of holding onto them to tightly. Without reservation, I can state the gratitude is a gift of the spirit. When I am truly grateful for what I have , it signals God and the universe that I am ready to receive more. I hope I never return to an ungrateful way of life. When it's real and when it burst out of you core like a raging river, it's a higher high than anything I ever took for recreational purposes. I've been choosing to believe that every single thing I went through growing up. Marinating in hundred forms of fear. No place to crawl up in someone's lap and know I was safe I have to consciously made the decision to believe the pain taught me how to love misfits and outcast in my grown up recovered life. It was my own form of training in the school of Humanity., I can't tell how much I enjoy the feeling in my chest when I see you have sent a note. I'm one of your biggest fans. lol Have you heard this old song called "If I could" it moves me to tears everytime I pull it up on Yourtube. 

http://youtu.be/OvZPXt3MgrY

note to friend

I worked out fully for the first time yesterday and I cannot impart to you the pain simply moved my fingers to type this note. lol It's really not as bad as I figured it was going to be. You know, there are a few things that I always assumed were try about me and my life. First, that I would never be able to really stick up for myself because it is incontinent to those I am around. The second is i'll always be weak. The guy that put my work out program together was giving just one goal. I want to be able to do a pull up sometime in the next year. I'd also like to have a go and the monkey bars again. ha Just slow realizations that I don't have to feel as powerless in the universe as I always have. I'm in the beginning stages of thinking it would be cool to know I could run a mile if I had to. You know, if Ma or Pa Engalls sent to to run for doc Baker and Laura should i find myself loose on prairie.

note to old friend

years ago Stephanie mentions to me in sort of a reflective moment, "I wish when I did my last back handspring, I would have known it was the last one". It stuck with me, and when a good acquiescence passed away, I said, " OH wow, the last time I saw Larry will be the last time I saw Larry". So here is my life lesson out of those two thinks. When I am present really really present in my life (it happens Occasionally) I can fully embody a moment so thoroughly that if it is "the last time I see Larry", I"m here and breathing in every glorious minute of it. IT's completely opposite of how I have operated. If i avoided investing in the moment then the emotionally pain didn't touch me or it did't hurt as much as it would if i acknowledged me in the moment.. The kicker is,, its a good way to live only if you are willing to trade 90 percent of the good stuff that would have came your way just to not feel 35 percent of the pain. It excites me to no end to live delicious moments as they are unfurling all around me. I hate I missed so much whether it was substance abuse related or the copying mechanism that really probably saved my life growing up but was taking my life after I crossed a point. This is going to make me sound pitiful but I haven't been very attached to the idea of being alive on the planet in my time here. I think if I admitted something was important to me than the pain of losing it or not getting in was to great for me. In the last 6 years I have really worked on letting myself enjoy the trip. Other than me doing a pull up or running a mile without stopping, my real goal/hope/desire is that when it's time for me to leave this planet, I would fight to the death for just one hour longer. I'm no where near that point but it seems to be the direction I am headed for. I went from wishing I was never born as a kid, to killing my feelings with food and drink as teen and shortly there after it longer was I wish I had never been born, I took it end to my hands to do something about leaving myself. The idea that I would fight to stay for another hour is very satisfying because I just didn't care one way or another in my history. 
I was at some function outside a couple of weeks ago and I really thought about doing a front handspring. Then I remembered the quadriplegic young man I helped get to school for a semester and I thought better of it.

So I filled my mom in on my sisters drug binge that started days ago and picked up this morning at 6am

There comes a time when for what ever reason the universe doesn't give any consequences to an addict and instead just lets them slowly stir in the darkness of drug abuse. My sister started her binge on tuesday and has been gaining momentum. She was up and out of the house by 6:15 off to get "a breakfast sandwich".  Then for the next 7 hours she disappeared from inside the house for five or ten minutes about twice an hour. I asked her if she was smoking crack and she denied it.

There is a thing that happens with an addict face and eyes when they sink into addiction and usage. She looks like a sickly fun house version of herself with no light in her eyes at all. She looks like a soul-less un-dead.
So I filled my mother in on the days events and she told my sister to leave. She has said this before but backed out when it came time. If life will not give my sister a bottom to hit, then perhaps my family can effectively put her in a position where she sees the true nature of the disease. She still has a smuggness about her where you can see she thinks she is too cool to be bothered with reality. That smugness is hard to swallow when I just want to scream at her. We are not close. There is 6 years between us and the fact my parents raised us as only children in the same house didn't help. I do not love her but I am connected to her by birth. She has always been selfish and cold and I never found a way to bond with her.

If I didn't have to deal with her when she was fucked up, if she didn't feel the need to try and have conversation with me when I can barely follow her speech, I might feel differently. If she was drowning I would try to help so I need to try and help with the addiction. Stop making it so damn easy for her to use with no consequence.

more funny stolen ideas

Some funny some thoughtful all stolen

I"m making progress. Thank you Jennifer Hudson. I'm feeling free TOO. lol

death

I know I sort of see things differently. Especially things about death and dying. I had to talk with a friend , a young friend and compassionately remind him that we were all born with an expiration date. Death catches so many people off guard, and I mean yes it's shocking sometime , the circumstances of deaths but it appears like they thought they would be with the dead ones forever.  We all die and it's the best reason to "BE" with the people that matter while they are here. Keep in mind our boarding passes can be sent out at any time. I know the players in my life wont be there always. It's human hubris to think death will never touch their circle of family and friends. Count of your loved ones and make your loved ones count.