Wednesday, February 23, 2011

How Facebook is setting me free.

I'm 43 and I unfortunately carry around much pain for childhood and growing up in rural East Texas. I lived at such a heightened state of awareness trying to watch out for monsters on the attack, it seems to have burned many more memories in my mind than my friends don't have. I remember all the painful bullying as if it were yesterday. I remember everyone in my classes from growing up. I've been paralyzed with mental illness and substance abuse and they have been frozen in time in my mind.
One by one I have seen their photos on Facebook and seen them talking about having kids and it's so hard to believe this middle aged chunky man was the hot shot quarterback. I've sort of followed the bouncing ball using the "Friends List" and I have found more and more of my torcher'ers now are average looking older men and women and I feel embarrassed that I have given them free space in my head where they don't age. One monster has a photo of him and his two sons. He was handsome in high school but now his outward appearance is that of a very not good looking man. It was as if seeing him, made it a little bit easier in letting it go. It has made it easier for me to let go of the hurt with many old faces. For over 20 years they have lived in my head and their voices have continued to haunt me, tease me, bully me. I doubt they have ever even thought of my name since graduation, but I have brought them with me everywhere I went. I'm letting go. Letting go of feeling powerless against them and feeling frightened of them. Letting go of using their echoes to beat myself into a state of complete depression.
Time has went on and I see that when I try to see their original faces. I'm very thankful Facebook came along because I could have died with these Mean Girls and Boys, in my head.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

Clinton Rolen Gandy All over the planet, there are people just like me who have begun the work of becoming themselves. Completely different circumstances bring us to the same place, the jumping off place. Letting go of the idea of perfection and sinking into the the pleasure of being what we were put here to be. There is such beauty in the fact the apple trees make apples and tomato plants produce tomatoes. Can you image the silliness of one trying to produce the other? I'm big, clever, funny, compassionate, empathetic, philosophic , loving and slightly bent. I like those things and I can't imagine me trading those things to be you today or worse some version of me that exist in someone else's warped fantasy. All I can be is me. A lot of peace came when I accepted that. I also nearly died leading up to the decision. It wasn't a leap of faith so much as a giant foot in the ass shoving me forward.