Saturday, July 31, 2010

Putting new tools into action

For the last 24 hours I have had ample opportunity to use the new coping skills I've picked up with family that hasn't changed much. It is so thrilling to know that , all I can do , is all I can do, and be done with it. I love the Al anons mantra "I didn't cause it and I can't cure it".

The fact is , shit rains down on everyone at times. It isn't singling you out for more than your share. You buy focusing all your energy on the shit storm perceive it to be more than your share of shit. But in proper perspective, it's relatively equal to everyone elses.

There is time for being disappointed but the quicker you jump into recovery mode the better.

I am very tired of people who claim deep faith only to instantly go into "woe is me" when stuff happens. We live in a world that is built for balance, it is created so that it is easier for us to "right" ourselves when we get upside downed.

I can see at this moment so much to have real gratitude for that I get frustrated when people who seemingly have more than I , complain about their portion of the pie.

For reasons completely unknown to me I am filled with peace and hope, for myself, my friends and family, and finally our planet.

We are in perpetual motion. Moving to somewhere and away from what we knew as reality. If I had a wish for everyone I loved it would be that they learned to live before they focused on their final exit.

What comes after life is mere speculation. Why not focus on the stuff that isn't speculation, which is the life under neath your own nose.

If you are going to spend you energy loving something dearly, make sure it is something that actually has the capacity to love you back.

Friday, July 30, 2010

I'm giving the choice of to recover or not, a hundred times a day

I was noticing today just how many chances I had to choose to react to things the old way, (which for any of you that know me, gets me no where), or I have a chance to chose differently, to make purposeful decisions hoping for new outcomes.

Very few of them were "big" decisions. When your trying to overhaul you existence I guess even the smallest choice is a big decision.

The main thing is, I didn't let fear influence any of my decisions. Well, maybe one, but I will deal with the consequences of that later, because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

In 100 days, I have become a member of a group that wants to help me, and I in turn am there to help others. I know names, and mine is known, and I have phone numbers and emails of people who want nothing from me but to show me how to live my life the way I want it. So much can happen in such a short time. You can care so deeply for someone when they come to you with honesty about their situations.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

To whom it may concern

I explain somewhere on this blog that I just can't go back to proof read for errors when I make an entry here. I start second guessing myself, toning things down and many times deleting or rewriting all together. You much likely to find my real truth, if I let the errors stand and leave the text alone.

I don't think in complete sentences.

Today was a great day, one in which I was fully aware that the universe was open for me to be a part of. I was comfortable being me, and comfortable being me in the company of others. That is something I have dreamed of my entire life.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Fear makes folks act stupid. Fear brings out the worse in people. Fear divides countries and families. The fearful are so easily manipulated that they are their own worst enemies.

I can't fear you anymore and expect to have a decent shot at living the second act of my life.

Fear keeps you small and I am tired of being small.

Keep your little ideas about love and life and meet me where the big boys play when your done.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Well, it's that time.

I wanted to focus on staying clean and sane first, then I wanted to concentrate for a whole month on stopping smoking before I seriously addressed my weight problem. Tomorrow is a month exactly that I quit smoking so the weight issue is at hand.

The think I want to focus on with food is, enjoying eating but not be compulsed to shovel it in to feel safe and satisfied. The best program I know is Weight Watchers so I am counting points again as off today.

It's the next biggest gaping hole that needs dealt with in my life. I am ready, I am all in!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Good life takes effort

i just had the most amazing day. I liked who I was, I like what I was doing, I'm making new important friends and I haven't smoked in 3 weeks. If I felt better about my eating issue I really don't know if I could stand it. lol Today was that good.

I have know dramatic event or revelation to blog tonight, I simply enjoyed being here today.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Envisioning a new identity when I think of myself.

I realized today that odds are I am not going to go back to smoking and that I should get a new identity in my head that isn't a smoker. For twenty years a cigarette in my hand has been a part of the mental picture I have of myself. A smoke in one hand and a ridiculously large diet coke in the other.

I am a non'smoker now. God that is soooo weird. All most 3 weeks and almost 3 months since I have popped any muscle relaxers or scripted' sleep meds. I am very fucking clean. lol

My eating is out of control. It has bypassed over eating to compulsive over eating. I have to stop before it gets worse. The good news is, I now know if I can quit drugs, alcohol and cigs, I should be able to get a more manageable grip of the food I eat. I' will deal with it as it comes up and hope I make progress.

I felt pretty at ease within my own self today and that is very welcomed.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Sometimes I get a little bummed at myself

To frame this thought up, I saw a picture of a twenty something who wasn't a great hulking beauty of a man but pleasantly average. He had just been cast on a hour long drama in it's 6th year. When I saw his picture I imagined when he figured out what he wanted to do, act, he either didn't have people that discouraged him or he was in tune with himself to the point the just didn't believe them.

Finding out who you are at 40 something is a trip. I am doing work that the majority of my friends did before high school graduation. I absolutely have less amounts of debatable truths than I started out with. I can picture what I want to look like in the second act, and I know how I want to feel and finish up. The rest I am following the inner directive of spirit and I'm not up for debate this go around.

I can be anything I really want to be, life is creation in motion, not retraction and paralysis.

If I had a chance to live the past differently, I would play with more dolls, and not in closet. I would cry and feel no shame when they called me names and when I was told I needed to be tougher and stronger, I would tell them some boys aren't. And that is OK.

Friday, July 2, 2010

I am so warm and mushy tonight.

I'm full of the feeling that xanax used to give me. I have great moving music on, it's raining, I don't smoke anymore, I am sober and clean and I have new friends. I have projects and things I want to do and dice I want to roll for my numbers.

It is a good night, it is a good life and I am thankful in this moment

Some great and moving quotes I found tonight.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
— Mark Twain

I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
– Michael Jordan

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
— Louis Hector Berlioz

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
-– Carl Sagan

Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life.
— Sandra Carey

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.
— Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe