Saturday, March 19, 2011

identification not assimilation.

Who the hell are you? I was getting out of the car at Walmart and the really nice SUV was covered in bumper stickers "GETTING HIS POINT ACROSS"on every topic. It just struck me as odd the things we choose to provide us with an identity and then be able to not grow, change or take on any new ideas because, "NOpe", "already know who I am"- see my tee shirt and bumper stickers tell me everyday who I am and what things matter". I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago that it is so common for our brains to believe they are our spirits or essences. The spirit directs and dictates who we are not the reverse.
So after I got through keying the shit out of his dumb ass Rick Perry stickers, I signed it love, 2.0 . That part is a joke but look around at what people claim for identities for themselves.

Next time you are at a stoplight look around and see, "Aggies Mom, Honor students grandma, Democrat, republican , Libertarian, Cowboy fan, etc. .......

Today because of years of therapy and lot's of 12 step times, halls and a variety of types, I know a few things about who I am today and it is information that is spirit based. I'm doing much better in not letting you tell me who I am, or my mom or one really pushy friend I have. It's a cheesy saying but, this isn't a dress rehearsal, I don't want to spend one more moment being someone that isn't me and frankly I don't like.

So my question to you, once again is "who the hell do you think YOU The hope the program offered me first was the fact, the understand that I was not the sum of all my fuck ups . I was more than an unfortunate score card of addiction and blinding failures in attempts to live a life on the planet earth.

I also have the privilege of sharing who i am with you not trying to conform to what I think you need me to be in order to like me. There is a huge difference in being in my life and being a part of my life. I hope for the same reciprocity with people that don't care for me in the hall but live along side me in the 12 step hall.

I'm not a mood ring from the 70's waiting to be told how I feel and what color I should be at any given moment and it makes me so look forward to more. More will be revealed and WE DO RECOVER.

NA is a process of identification not assimilation.

Saturday a.m.

I can't believe I am awake at nearly 4 in the morning. It's been 11 months or since my last "hospitalization" that I was up at this time. Mostly what got me out of bed was the stinging and burning of my sinus's and painful eyes form allergies. But I figured why freak out just get up and do something for myself. I got to listen to a fellow NA member sort of unload on his frustration with the people in the meeting hall. It made me think once again that whatever I give attention to is fed by it and it gets larger. If I focus on the ugly, it is I am going to see. My attention makes things grow.

Another thing I was remember today, about 4 years ago, actually I have no for sure way of know the time frame, I began working with someone reading the Eckert Tolle book called "A new earth". It talks in great detail about what he terms our "Pain Body" and it is like a black clouded filter, in which our current moment passes through and tells our brain that since it ended badly last time, this is what I have to look forward to this time. This energy body of suffering and pain acts like a veil in which, through which I see a warped and distorted version of my now.

It's wasn't a quick easy read but I was glad I read it. I then went back and read his first book, "The power of NOW". Much easier to read and much more the message I needed to hear. It got me noticing how much exposure I had to negative people, places and things. I purposely started protecting myself from "bad mojo". I blocked all the cable news nets, no murder profiles on Dateline and NO TRUE crime stories on the court house channel.

Our wireless service was interupted and I called the 800 number. The lady had me unscrew the coaxil cable where the cable attached to the modem and she had me touch the copper wire with my finger for 45 seconds. I did that, screwed it back in and Boom, we were back in business. She told me that extraneous sound bits and basically particles of noise would collect at the point where the coax joined the modem and it needed to be grounded to clear the floating bits away. She was talking about the wireless modem, but I was hearing her say, "You collect bits of energy like lent on a sweater, so when I have the ability to choice what I am exposed to, I try very hard to choose stuff that if buts of it linger and attaches to me, it won't be bits that bring me down, cause me pain or keep me from my own wireless connection with the universe.

The shit we subject ourselves to has consequences. It's this something that will make me better or is this something that will make me bitter.