Monday, November 26, 2012

I"ve been looking back at this photo ever since I contacted a friend I lost during the period of this photo. It's frightening to think how easily I got into that shape. Not just fat, i've been fat on and off since 7th grade. I don't think I was anywhere near my highest in this photo. Inside I had just given up. To chicken to kill myself and to angry at myself to move forward. I didn't like to go out of the house because if someone I knew ran into me I was convinced I had MONSTER written across my face. Have you ever smelled something bad in the refrigerator and you couldn't find exactly where it was coming from. That was my existence. I knew something was rancid but I didn't have any tools to get rid of it.

I have suffered most all of my life with my tendency to get confused, overwhelmed and then finally I quit. Anyone can look at this photo and clearly see I was a man who had given up. The upsetting thing about this to me is , I'm not sure it won't happen to me again. There is so much I have power over and it could all start going wrong by having something come between me and the path of freedom. By not addressing people who hurt me, even if it is unintentional  I swallow a little pill of soul cancer. I was years away from getting better at this point. It really doesn't matter what you do or say, it's only important what I do or say to my self.

I've trekked back in time with several therapist and I see clearly that line where I gave up on being myself and focus on assimilating with my peers. I don't why I didn't put up more of a fight. I just believe  them, that I was wrong. Boys can't play with dolls and  they for sure don't play Wonder Woman.

I"ve got much freedom in my life today. My closest recovery pals are two men. Usually I have girl friends but  I've found a lot of healing in being friends with two straight men.  It's been a growth thing for me that I let my guard down around straight men and allow them to get close enough without the fear of fag hating prejudice popping up. I was terrible wrong all my life. Being gay wasn't the most noteworthy thing about myself but I believed for so long, it was the ONLY thing about me that made me interesting. I was wrong.

Becoming ourselves is hard. It is often slow and painful, and messy and funny and sad and mean and sucky.

I just can't live another day being a sad version of what you want me to be. I guess I had to experience dying  of hunger before I could experience the phenomenon of being full. Go fucking figure, a food analogy.

I'll lay it down right now, I can't pretend or be anything but the soul I came to the planet being. I  just never would have guessed that I had all I needed inside me. I just need teachers and directors and everyone is an example, one way or the other.