Sunday, January 20, 2013

I"m not sure if it was depression last week or if it was just a few bad days. I'm still positive I don't want to go back on medication for it, if it is depression. I'm happy to say that I caught a several days long break from it. I don't talk about medication much because I am so afraid for someone to hear me say I stopped depression meds nearly two years ago, mainly because I have a support system and I know if it pops up that I have a plan to try and get it under control with counseling, NA and friends. If I get to the point I feel those aren't enough I have a 6 week supply of Paxil, in a cabinet in the kitchen that are ready when I am.

With my particular depression and medication, it puts me in a mild state of apathy. I feel nothing terribly bad, but I don't feel the great highs either. I'm willing to put up with the some lows in order to feel the natural highs of life. I certainly don't want to deny myself the fun part of living because I am wording about surviving the lows. Like I said though, if the time comes and hope it long lost, I am only a handful of steps away for the little pink pills that boost the Serotonin or slow the absorption down.''

Still take the lithium 2x a day though. I'm Ok with some melancholy days but I don't like the goofy shit I do when I'm an unmedicated Bipolar Dumb ass. While unmedicated years ago. I left work and by the time I got home I had decided I was selling everything that I had, erasing my footprints and was moving to a new town where nobody knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be. The mania ended and I was in an empty garage apt me and the auction barn in town, sold all my stuff for 35 dollars. hahahahah
I know that it's called "RECOVERY" but it still surprises me when I get back something I was a hundred percent certain I had given away for keeps in the never ending pursuit of a chemically induced way of life. You know that horrible pins and needles feeling when your foot has fallen asleep and your trying to wake it up again? Sometimes, you just wake up. You just wake up  singing and your spared the pins and needles sensations of coming back to life all together. Thanks Kay, Jo, Hillie, Tarisha, Don and son of Don for making the trip to "Little Nashville" downtown Gladewater. I'm glad I have witnesses. lol It was crazy standing up there 7.5 months later, 77 pounds lighter and unafraid, in my 10 dollar bargain hunter jeans , participating in my own recovery. As my friend Frank T. used to say 20 years ago, "I'm glad to be anywhere fully clothed and in my right mind." lol "Freedom's just another word for nothing less to lose" I'm back on the show on February 19th.