Saturday, January 5, 2013

Letter to sponsee in Jail

I"m so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you Jerry. I am happy to hear that your plans are moving along regarding you getting home.  I was sick for nearly three weeks with what I guess was the flu. I finally went to the doctor and got a steriod shot and an antibiotic otherwise I would still be sick.

You are doing such a great job on your step work. I can hear your heart beat in the words that you put on paper. You are also good at getting out the feeling stuff. We are only accountable for our recovery when we know better. I couldn't get clean before I knew I was an addict. We do better when we know better. We see when we see and hear when we hear. In other words you my friend a right on schedule.
When you get out and when you get to regular NA meetings, you will learn how to guard your recovery and your centered, recovery peace of mind . There is a life available to you, that you can't dream up on your own, that working a recovery program in NA will lead you to. No scheming or cleverness can get us where NA will take us. You will gain trust in yourself. It's indescrible to not worry about walking down an isle in Kroger than has beer on it, or go to the doctor without making up a story to get drugs. It's freedom YOu can risk to love someone whether or not they love you back. You know you are safe and fine.

You mention "I should or should have known better couple of of time in your step work. Do you think someone with brain cancer or breast cancer could beat themselves up because they should have seen the possibility? Addiction is a disease, it doesn't discrimate and almost none of us see it coming, EVEN IF we come from a family of addiciton. It's cunning dude. Navy Seal operations have nothing when compared to how addiction slides in on us.

YOu mentioned people saying "why don't you smile". I practiced a look that I thought made me look like I wasn't paying attention when people said mean things. I have seen pictures of that look on me and I look like I not only ride the short bus, but the TINY bus.  I tried to come off as stupid, like Jethro on the Beverly Hillbillies  Isn't that crazy. If people thought I had no motive by the look on my face I was hoping they would leave me alone, no fight here.
YOu mention "Despair and Isolation", Jerry when you use those words, I instantly know that we have been in the same dark pit of death. Those words are much like words the only survivors of the titanic could use and instantly they all know what is meant.
YOu questioning whether you have hit rock bottom, is interesting. I was willing and planning to go lower that God/HigherPower/Great Spirit would let me know. I was prepared for the darkest existence possible in human form. I kept getting rescued. So I to could possibly argue the fact i never hit rock bottom. I never died, completely demoralized. My emotional bottom is pretty sufficient though. I've walked the planet for to long with love for no one. I trusted that know one could love me and I saw everythign from behind a thick glass wall. My bottom is being separate from humanity, from family. Friendless, hopeless, loveless was my bottom. The rest is just geography.
It's funny that you mention working without gloves. There is a disconnect that tells us it doesn't matter if it hurts us or it won't hurt us if we don't care. I  do that with condoms now. It's hard for me to matter to myself.  It's is something I hope to get better at. I hope hope we both get better and really mattering to ourselves.
It's Ok, for your answers and your recovery to look like your own. Your answers or thoughts don't have to be like anyone else s  You are free , even though the facility thinks your not. I can imprison myself faster, deeper and more grim than any Texas facility can. I'm just not locked up and bound by hurt today I don't knock myself out of the game so I can avoid the pain of you doing it to me. There is a life, a state of mind, a place that you can't get to anyway but through the Steps, a high power and the people you choose to let get to know you. You are doing such a good job on your step work. I think your answers are way more on point than mine were.
I just wanted to get this to you and I will write you next week. I"m sorry it took me this long to get back to you.
Much love and so proud- Clinton

I've been trying something new and I think it's paying off.  I don't hate or mind the work out in the gym. It's not confusing or difficult but I found myself making myself really miserable with thinking about going to the gym. The thinking was worse than the doing. When I was a teenager, I didn't sleep well. I would wake up super angry and I spoke to my family like a monster. Then one day I decided , that speaking to someone you love harshly just because you don't feel good is not acceptable. I never took my mood out on my family in the mornings again. So last week, I thought about that, and what power I have and seldom use is change the way I think. "Change your thoughts, change your life"...Dr. Dyer.  I made a deal with myself. I only think about working out, walking or lifting weights at the gym, when I am actually there. I haven't tortured myself with thoughts of going and doing all day long because, it is such a waste of energy to dread. Once I'm there I am completely fine. I'm only thinking about exercise when I am there and can actually do it. Why give away my energy and thoughts to something that technically could never happen again, if I were to get hit by the death bus that we have all heard about since we were kids, "You could get hit by a bus tomorrow" i would have wasted some of my finite time here. There are many areas of my life that I approach this way, but it just dawned on me about not focusing on dread of gym trips til last week. "What do I have to do right now"? Dread causes anxiety, anxiety causes inflammation. Inflammation causes illness. Illness includes my diseased thinking and  ill responses which I often turn to food to reduce. The only way I will keep this weight off and new approach to eating is to stay completely present in my life, aware! I"m in the bold new world of monitoring my mood and thoughts as they are happening and I'm not turning to food, alcohol or anxiety medicine.  I am working with out a net so to speak well, I have a great support team though.  Am I really willing to give up with is old and comforting for the chance at real freedom? Today I absolutely am willing to say yes. I've tasted freedom in areas of my life and I believe whole heartedly that freedom from my slavery to food is not only possible is currently unfolding around me.