Sunday, September 12, 2010

The falsehood of "treating" yourself

TV commercials urge you to "indulge" yourself , promoting bath salts or chocolate we are made to feel like we have such a hectic life that is ok, if throw out self restraint "now and then".

I was really shocked when I looked up the actual definition.

Indulgence- an inability to resist the gratification of whims and desires

The feeling of "The devil may care" and the thrill of being "temporarily" naughty that I thought meant indulgence doesn't mean that at all.

When I would be on a trip, I would get a thrill out of ordering a breakfast so big I needed a table of my own because "I'm on vacation", and throw care out the window.

When something good or bad would happen, I'd eat everything in sight because I deserved to "indulge" as a reward or consolation.

The chemicals produced in my head when I throw caution to the wind is really what I am after. I am looking to INDULGE in something so my brain chemicals produced dope me up. Chocolate produces the same chemicals in your head that being in love does.

It's really dangerous for me when I feel like I am owed a celebration because celebration for me means taking something I like, throwing "Caution to the wind" and imbibing until I can't see straight.

So the word indulgence is about being NOT IN CONTROL of my own actions, thoughts and behaviors.

Seriously I am going to have to stay aware of that because my head is constantly telling me I am owed celebrations. Indulgence looks like insanity to me.

I will never look at an ad for chocolate or fine beverage that say go on and INDULGE. It's really prompting me to give in to the the insanity of not being in control of my own urges.

That sounds ugly to me. I get fat or arrested when I run on distorted instinct of how much and how come I deserve to partake in food or spirits.

For me, INDULGENCE is naughty fun, it is me being complete over taken with the insanity that I deserve the right to have as much of something as i can. My disease of addiction is writing checks that my body and spirit can't afford to cash.