Thursday, February 28, 2013

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

I looked up this photo in an old school annual from 1975 to send a copy to the friend in mine that was also in the picture. This was me in kindergarten or first grade. I was so tiny and I was already bleeding to death on the inside. I was frightened every second, had insomnia and when I did sleep I had night terrors so vivid, many of them are with me today. I react emotionally to this picture because I didn't have the skills to verbalize it then but I was alone. I already put mask on in order for people to love me but when you get love via false behavior or masking your self, it's like trying to get belly full by eating beautiful photographs of food. No one saw me,, or I felt as no one saw me. I sounded like a girl, walked like a girl and while I do not think I ever actually wanted to be a girl, I sure hated being a boy. I wasn't a very good one, and I had a really hard time pretending. I picked up a lot of shame so so early. My sister would pick on me trying to "toughen" me up. The worst part and the part that like or not still affects me today is, I had no one, no one that I could run to or crawl up in the lap up to feel safe. I would get banished to bed, everyone would go to sleep and the terror would sit in for me. I vividly remember sitting outside my parent's door in hallway crying so hard I could breath and I heard my dad tell my mother to let me cry.  When my mother would see my frightened it would make her laugh. For the next 20 years I would have dreams about trying to wake them in the middle of the night and they would either be dead or would not be able to rouse with me shaking them.  That just left me to face whatever ugliness alone. I look at that picture of me and my heart kind of breaks. 

I have to apologize to my Dad and Step Mother for the nuclear bomb of an email I sent a couple of years ago where I detailed everyone of the little hurtful things to my Step Mother.  Just a few minutes ago at the gym I am filled with rage and fantasize that instead of apologizing at the dinner table I gut both of them with a butter knife. It's impossible to me to move forward in life if I don't find a way to forgive my dad for not seeing I was drowning for two decades, even though I wasn't screaming. I'm angry that as one or the two people with everday access to me they both let me bleed to death and I'm angry that I didn't know how to ask for help. When I look at that kid, in is patent leather white slip ons , I wish so badly to just go get him from the front steps of the school in the picture, and try to not get his heart broke and his spirit shattered. I'm not sure how I get over the anger at my dad. I believe them, resentment is poison to addicts. The pisser is I thought I had made miles of progress with this, and the thought of calling my dad up to catch a meal with he and his wife finds my insides boiling. I'm fucking disappointed. I really thought this was pretty healed up and suddenly it's whipped up again and honestly, not to insult anyone with illness in their family now, but it feels just like I was told the cancer I thought I had beaten has returned for more attention. Dammit.
Texting with kindred this morning about creating possibility. It was a little over three years ago when I got this on the mental/spiritual level that if I want something different I have to take action. I have to put something in the works myself. Hope is great, fantastic, wonderful, but it has an expiration date on it and if we don't put an action (create possibility) with it will do us no good, it dissipates.
If you hate your job you can email resume's and that could be the ripple that becomes a wave of change. What action, what possibility can I create today that might get me closer to the version of myself I want to be. The old story of if you want to win the lottery you much BUY A TICKET-The action that creates possibility. My job is to take action. I was put on the planet to create possibilities in every aspect of my life . I have no power on the outcome of my action. Often the outcome is of little to no consequence. The pay off is IN the action, not the result. It creates an energy that is the equivalent of spiritual energetic stem cells. It heals anything it falls on. It is universal medicine for my life.

I hadn't forgotten this my any means but it was dusted off and refreshed by my friend stepping out of her box and rolling some dice. Creating a little possibility of her own, of which I piggy back on today.

Buy the ticket. Participate in your own life. Mastermind the possibilities. I can't plant a seed even if I'm not the one that ends up being the one that gets to harvest the fruit. My job is to plant seeds................................

Friday, February 1, 2013

I can't believe I am at a point in my life where it's way easier to talk about being horny than lonely. I spent the whole day not knowing what was going on in with me.  Then I realized what it was. I was lonely. I'm around a lot of great people a lot of the time, but I haven't went to dinner or coffee just one on one with anyone in a long time. My conversations with friends on the phone haven't been on too deep of a level. I've been absolutely obsessing on chocolate lately, and I think it's because the chemical it produces in the brain is the same one that love makes .  So the problem is identified, now lets see how the hell to solve it. No drugs, no food. My God, I'm on a wire with no net and there is only one way across this wire. Blindfolded! lol  Everything hinges on awareness. I am lonely. I make no soul connection with anyone one. How did this happen again when I speak with a ton a people every day? When did I close the door to my heart again.