Thursday, March 10, 2011

More thoughts of working without the net of one of my meds.

This is 2 weeks into my process and feelings are connecting to my head and my spirit. I usually just got the head connection. I honestly think that original the disconnect was a psych  response. My brain new my spirit couldn't take anymore pain, but as my recovery program healed some of that , my multi-year use of Paxil had me in the pharm-apathy that still stopped me from feeling the spirit-mind-feeling process that is one of the best parts of being a human being. Just today I was telling a friend how happy I was that after 17 years of jail and home confinement his freedom is  just days away and I felt my spirit flutter and my eyes get warm. It made me feel connected and alive.
I'm still a big advocate of medicines, I just had done enough healing to take the  safety ropes off . Like I said I have 5 or 6 refills on file and if the darkness returns, I'll be at CVS by lunch time. lol

Intellect over Emotion

I caught a piece of a health documentary and it reminded me of the first real, usual-able, relate-able piece of information I learned at the (first) treatment center I was in. Humans operate, Intelligence over emotions I/E. Addicts operate emotion over intelligence(E/I) and to make things even worse for us, it is DISTORTED emotion. Part of the recovery process is to slowly begin to make decisions of life using not our emotion but our intellect. We strengthen and sharpen our intellect through meetings, literature and for me a lot of independent study that might not appear on the surface to be related to recovery but I manage to find a common thread and re-educate myself with reality and all that is.
The irony of the addict running on distorted emotion is that emotions of all kind freak me ass out because they feel uncontrollable to me, so basically fear and other mutant emotions have driven me to the edge of disaster for 30 years. I wouldn't begin to even say that out loud if I didn't believe one hundred percent that Narcotics Anonymous, it's members who share their experience strength and hope, and my tiny understanding of things spiritual were gonna get me through what ever comes up. Today, I am going to focus on I over E. (I/E) I will make better decisions for my recover that aren't based of self and steeped in fear.
Klinger still makes me laugh and laugh on those old reruns of MASH. I heard this dress was in the Smithsonian.

When at the end of the road......

If you know me at all you have heard that that two sentence section for Chapter 8 in the Basic Text is the single thing that gave me the power to connect my ass to Narcotics Anonymous and I reach to read it at the beginning of meetings when it is still available to be read. I never knew what I was supposed to be doing as a human being so I pretended and when I couldn't bear pretending I used. When the using didn't give me a break from the hideous understanding that I was an imposter, I imploded on a regular basis, with many hurt in the collateral damage. At the big ass NA meeting they made me go to while at the "Hospital" when I heard "We do Recover" read for the first time, it transformed me from a frightened mess to a determined member of Narcotics Anonymous. The humor in that story more me is I had to wreck my life and take a 128 dollar cab ride to the nuthouse in Shreveport Louisiana to here the same message I could have heard 8 miles from my house. But, IT TAKES WHAT IT GOD DAMN TAKES! I would have taken a cab ride to Libya if I believed a solution could have been found there. I could NOT function "With or Without Drugs" and it told me in detail what to do.3 mi