Wednesday, May 16, 2012

cool Gif

Just waiting/

My mom told my sister she had to leave because she wouldn't quit doing drugs in my mothers house. My sister had the audacity to be incredulous about it. There is an arrogance with active users that is very very hard to forgive. Anyway, I'm sure she will be back but I do believe it's good for her. Life hasn't given her many consequences from her addiction so being let out of the house is a good thing.

I'm just a bystander, a watcher. I have no power over what happens or doesn't between them  Just watching.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

MRI results

Just quick and over the phone. Brain has no abnormalities, Neck=completely a mess. Appointing pending with the neck doctor. I'm 44 too young for surgery, hope injections and maybe losing weight will help the pressure on my spine. It's not tumahhhhh. lol

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Live and learn and freak on occasion.

I had to have two MRI's done this morning in a veil of secrecy. lol I don't want my family fucking up my many possible maladies. Anyway, I've had MRI's before , 3 infact, the old fashion tube kind. So I though the open air MRI would be a piece of cake. Turns out it it just means your arms are able to reach out. The guy put me in the thing, and I am one calm cool bastard until I open my eyes and see that the ceiling was two inches from my face and the had me strapped in to some concoction akin to a football mask. I started losing my shitl. I kept saying "hello, hello" trying to sound like I might simply need a bit of fresh air. When I realized there was no way to communicate I decide to use all my "tragically cool points" and let them know I needed help.  I'll never see that man again why I was embarrassed to tell him I  couldn't breath. So he rolled me out , reconfigured the head gear and asked me to try again. It was at first a battle of the truth in my head versus the messages of distress my body sent out. I had him cover my eyes with a towel. So clang clang clang went the trolly and he finally rolled me out. MRI number one, a finished. Roll out reconfigure and MRI of Brain is done. I am rolled and thinking I am billy badassary and he tells me only one more. This is one that is done after you are given a shot of something that  shows up in specific places (i guess). The last one I was very anxious again. So weird I would I would get claustrophobic at 44. If I hadn't learned mediation and relaxation techniques I would have never never made it through the first MRI, oh hell I would have told the guy I needed to run to the bathroom and never looked back. I'm so glad that is over.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

If this was the last day I was on earth

When I remember to play "my last day here",. I see things I would otherwise miss. The particular shade green or the peculiar shape of a tree, the smell of coffee and how it smell beckons me to the pot even though I rarely drink it. How a song on the radio brings back of flood of memories dripping with the smells and sounds of the time right along with it. I look at the loved ones I have with such compassion and gratitude as I notice things like how time has shown up around their eyes or the drape of the skin on their neck. I see a woman standing  two lines down at the grocery and my  chest fills up with sadness as I read the misery on her face and the slope of her shoulders that have bore more weight than they should have. The kid playing near my feet isn't an annoyance , more a study of how even  a dirty check out isle is a great place to play with a hot wheels car. The disparity of the sad lady's energy and the fresh energy of this kid is not lost to me.  The lady a head of me hopes their is enough money on her card to pay for the small amount of items. I suddenly feel  weight of having enough food on a daily basis to grow a kid and a family. I take the time to experience the sensation of my own weight on my feet as I see a wheel chair bound man roll in to shop. Suddenly I am in gratitude that I can get in and out of a car without help, move quickly through the store to collect the things I want , not just what I need. It's a big thing for me to comprehend with each breath that I have every thing, EVERY thing I need and most of my wants.  I see the sad lady lug her groceries to the parking lot and get in a vehicle that looks as weary and tired as she. A kid cries and to her and suddenly her face lights up as the kid throws the car door open for his mommy.

That is just an hours worth of observing life like I was leaving the planet tomorrow. Last week when I did "last day here", i was hypnotized by an out of place that of cane growing behind the Sonic and the wind was causing it all to blow in circles but in opposite directions why the sun light beating down it is made it appear to me outlined in silver.

When I slow down and observe, my life is enriched in ways I would never have guessed. Time with friends is felt and treasured, food is amazing and even the feel of my body in the seat of a car that is moving is a sensations worth noticing.  Using all my senses purposely really fills my spirit and I  wish I lived that way everyday. While, I am closer to it than ever before , I'm miles away. I'm here for the full meal deal , and I'm "all in Motherfucker".

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Connecting the dots

Over all today has been one of those rare days where the universe held back the curtain just long enough for me to get a thrilling peak at how some things are coming together simply because I  keep doing the right thing. I got a letter back from an addict I had written in prison and he said he would like a copy of the basic text of NA. I got home and sat at the computer. Since I have paid a big portion of my dental bill I am really relying on Ebay to help me out this month. I had re-listed everything I had not sold in prior attempts except for one two piece silk set that I ran out of time earlier this morning when I was posting sale items.  I put it up for a"buy it now" for 15 dollars.
I remembered i wanted to send Jerry a Text and went to Amazon. I bought the book and paid for it. Amazon "recommended" some other things and I noticed our NA Workbook for 5 dollars. I bought it and shipped it to Jerry in prison. I got an email notice and flipped over. I had sold that 2 piece silk set during the time I was buying the books for Jerry . His books were 14.70 and I sold the set for 15.00. The exact time I am reaching out with this literature I am being replenished while it happened. I had tried to sell that suit at least 3 times before. 
To take this one step further in speculation, I won't say for sure that Jerry will benefit from the literature, but I feel completely assured that the literature will get to the exact right person in the facility  eventually.

I'm needed, in this world to do my part, and let go of the results.

"Show up, tell the truth, do your best and let go of the results" was a piece of advice I love and try hard to embody.

NO ONE at Brookshire brothers noticed this?