Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I don't think I"ve grasp that the fact that my choices of food and exercise have change my physical being. I took  my dog on a long walk that was my exercise walk until I joined the gym.   In one leg of of it is three city blogs straight up hill  I would make my self walk without stopping and  months ago but my thighs would burn like fire and when I would reach the top I always had to stop for a second.  Yesterday i walked the hill without burning thighs without breathing heavy and I didn't stop.  This surprises me. ON paper I know  I get that we get stronger but to experience it as real is sort of confusing. None of my clothes fit , In fact I am donating some polo shirts the the mission tomorrow. I went to buy a pair of jeans that fit and that  I wasn't in constant fear of them dropping to the ground like clown pants. I had got some 40 waist 8 weeks ago and was planning on trying on 38 waist knowing they would be tight.  I ended up in a 36. I was so stunned at my waist size i went and got other cuts from Levi's and Wrangler and I wear a 36 in all of them. It was really really shocking. My goal was to be 40 waist so  could buy clothes in regular stores. I have not  been  36 in the waist  since before I was 30 I think. Amazing how terribly out of sync I am with my psychical self. When I gathered the strength and hope to try this again,  I knew I couldn't hate the weight off. I couldn't use disgust as fuel to deny food like my history has been. It's been pretty constant that when I eat something it is with concern for myself. I'm not a breakfast eater but almost everyday I eat something to get the metabolism started and because I know I need fuel, I eat, whether I want to or not. I had a run of 5 days where I punished myself by not eating well or enough. It was as if I could lose enough that somehow I was more valuable as a human. Lucky for me, I talk to friends in recovery and to my long suffering Psychologist and the reminded me that hate or disgust aren't valid forms of motivation.   I sort of feel like I woke up today and I was put in a new body while I slept. Which sounds absurd, but I really have just come out of being absent in my own awareness. This sort of snuck up on me even though I was doing the work. One other thing about the 3 block hill i will mention. I could only look at my feet when I used to walk it because I was afraid if I saw how far I had to go, I would quit or it would hurt more. Yesterday with my dog, I never looked down even once. I only looked ahead and straight forward.