Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Chaos sneaks up fast.

I suddenly realized yesterday I was ready to find a rifle and head for a tower because I had reached that point. You know that point where you knew you couldn't take any more but didn't no how to stop it and worse how you got there. I was vibrating so fast that all I could do in clench my jaw and every other muscle. It was miserable, I had collected so much crazed holiday energy and expectations that I reach my max. I had to hit the reset button. and for me that is  sleep and talking about what is going on. It's hard for me to list the things that are not working for me because I sort of escaped childhood with the misconception when you list the things that are wrong in your life, you are complaining and whining. So it's very un-clinton to share with others what is going on inside my head, my spirit and in my feelings. I feel better. I feel like I was it with a truck, but better over all. I didn't even think about using drugs to alter my feelings, but I did order a pizza and had copious amounts of choc. Milk in the last 20 hours.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas as a non Christian is a trip

I'm not Christian so the whole "birth of our savior" thing is kind of lost on me. I love a lot of people who are christian and I am hopeful for them they get out of this day what they need to get out of. In my childhood and young adult I spent the christmas seasons frightened out of my mind. It brought out the worst in my family. My sister is still the MOST ungrateful person on the planet, my mother fraught with expectation so high no one could reach them, and my dad just miserable that his life was,,,,well his life. He hated his job and it ate his soul daily so spending the blood money from it on useless gifts was hard to watch for him. I was stuck in the middle of being the only feeler in the family, enjoyment out of getting great gifts, and guilt because I could read the very air we stood in and it was gasoline waiting to be lit.

I was sooooo relieved when I finally convinced my mother not to put a tree out because it was the symbol of expectation and hideous moments to come. I joke every year that if I had beaten cancer, I would not trot out a giant tumor and festoon it with glass and beads and lights. It was the harbinger of disaster.

I'm not scared of this day any longer. I have no expectations and since Jesus is not my personal savior I am released from the religious aspect as well.  I wish the goodwill and love that was practiced at christmas could be spread out through the year. People are hungry on July 19 just as much as December 25. People are homeless everyday of the year. If people were really interested in being like their Christ, they would find a way to embody his ideas of , love, compassion , forgiveness and service to others every day and not just when they need to feel good about themselves. I don't think you get any bonus points for doing service if the reason your are doing it is to be seen doing them or to make yourself feel good. lol

Friday, December 23, 2011

Note to my friend, my KINDRED in CA

Well, your email just made my Christmas. I am the most fortunate person I know. Not for the obvious reasons(legs eyes, ability to toilet myself) lol  but mainly for being able to function for as long as I functioned, asleep/deadened to my true self only to wake up to this beautiful dream. In the last few days my spirit has either received an upgrade or it's opened up and all the years I felt like I was behind a glass wall that kept me from the rest of the human experience has seemed to shatter. Just for today, I lived long enough to waken from the dream of separation. The universe seems to have a way of creating for us whatever we believe in our heads, thankfully and I mean that, I have started to re-order the what I hold in my head and heart and woke up in a different world. As I mentioned in the letter you were the first person to crack open the door to the possibility of a different existence for me. I try to pay that forward as often as possible. I so honor the space you take up on this planet. 

There was this tall very blond 23 year old at a meeting the other night, and he shared that he lived in the woods by the lake and that he had a bus ticket to a town with a different lake and he didn't know what to do. He wasn't ashamed and talked about it in such a 3rd party way that he was completely separated from himself and the horror.  Girl I've never had to fight of sobbing in a meeting but the fact that this beautiful kid had a disease that told him he deserved to live in the woods because that is all he deserved pushed all my buttons of how the diseases first of Alcoholism, then full fledged addiction told me lies about the fact that I was separated at birth from all of the possibilities for love and life that every other person on the planet had. My disease told me all the time that I need to live on the streets, under a bridge. That is why I have always had a connection with homeless people when I bump into them I guess. It reminds me of this song called "No one ever it to blame" and the lyrics were like "You can look at the menu but you just can't eat" and "your the fastest runner but your not allowed to win". I told the kid he didn't deserve to live in the woods and that the disease of addiction lies. Perhaps his soul can wake up from the lie and maybe my experience can help that happen sooner rather than later.

This Christmas, which serves mainly as a mile marker for where I was in any given year, finds me with a spirit bigger than it has ever been. I know the secret that the more I give away freely the more my spirit fills this giant ass texas size man body I have. I sent that picture of me and I have used it for several things on the net because it was the first picture I have had of myself where i looked at it with great love and said, "that's me, that's what I look like". Just finding the basics out about myself like a child. "That's me, that's what I look like".  I am glad I know that, and I'm glad I know you and I know what you look like. I couldn't be happier to have you in my experience on the planet. I love you and all your fucking little quirks and thank you for doing the same for me. We aren't easy but my god xxxx, we are SPECTACULAR as spirits in human form.

Don't let the fuckers bring you down, love

Thursday, December 22, 2011

It's scary being human.

I've opened up a lot over the last few days. I am much more suceptible to being moved by acts of humanity in front of me. I had to keep myself from crying (good crying) 2 times in the last 24 hours. All my life I have wanted to feel that kind of connection yet I hold myself back from fully enveloping it when it happens because having my shield of  protection down is just creepy. It makes me feel ultra vulnerable but it is a step in the right direction in my journey to being a whole human. It's thrilling but scary and it's alot like riding a roller coaster. I'm scared but something perhaps my soul or the part of me connected to spirit yells , MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  I'm rolling with it and if I get blindsided, so be it.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

a curtain reveal today.

 A while back I was feeling sort of like a duck out of water. I have so many friends that fall into the traditional spiritual/christian block that I often am very limited with conversations with people who are thinking outside tradition and really in this world to think and discover new ideas  and to find out for themselves what it all means rather than traditional thinking which is really not pro thinking. The bad thing that supposed Adam and Eve did was eat from "The tree of knowledge" which pretty much sets up religion based on the lore that you aren't suppose to question and think for yourself. So I had made mention to the flow/the universe that I was aching to have someone that I could bounce new ideas, revelations or concepts on and they could do the same with me. I was sitting outside the hall today and I realized that quietly and without notice, someone I knew for 2 years had slipped into the role that I had asked the universe for. He is someone  I would have never imagined becoming close friends with because my assumption that we were so different, and I was wrong, as so often when we "assume". I felt so warm and cared for when I realized my request had not only been granted but it was filled simply by sliding one of my acquaintences into full on friend role. We are not the same in any way except he has the same gnawing desire to learn and question and live and share and he knows that life without spirit is no life at all. Such a lovely suprise.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The blur that is my history, what was real and what was real fucked up.

I had a girl talk today and she mention how almost immediately her friends complained about the change that came over her the minute she began to use drugs, then I read a story online of a young woman who was laying in bed her head dizzy with the fact she had just finally lost her virginity. When she mentioned it to her party partner and bed mate that she was excited about losing her virginity finally. He looked at her and said, "I'm not sure what your talking about we had sex two nights ago".  She had not been away there naked fooling around had actually turned in to real sex because she was to drunk. The blur, the fuzz that envelops me when I use distorts EVERYTHING. Nothing about me functions normally, I perceive nothing normally , all my thoughts and feelings and emotions are warped. Upside down and backward is my normal diseased being. Even now when I experienced certain things I have to run it by someone else to make sure I am perceiving it correctly. When I look at my past, I must now be aware that I am seriously looking at it through fun house goggle.

Friday, December 16, 2011

How I know I am human

I was a really good Clinton Gandy imposter for most of my life. I was good at knowing the perfect thing to say, whether it was real or made up on the spot. What you thought of me mattered me than what I thought of me and no matter how much that you like me, I knew something you didn't. You didn't know me at all so it was all very empty. I read a book that uses the word "parody" in it. I come from theatrical roots so I was more than familiar with the term, but I had never associated it with my personal life. That's what I was , I was a parody. I was an exaggerated version of a character loosely based on myself. I was a good copy of a poor original, a good production of a really bad play.
I'm better now. On most days, I don't allow you to write the story of my life and certainly don't wait for you to put value on my existence. These days I am actually finding my own value, my own strengths and my own ideas of what makes my life worth living. I know who I am when no one is looking. I"m the most authenic version of myself than I have ever been and i suspect no reason to not believe I can only get "truer" as I live a life based on love, service, compassion and forgiveness of myself and others.

If these thoughts to provoke/inspire you, well, you are dead inside. lol

"There are two emotions: love and fear." — Iyanla Vanzant 

"You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people. But until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed." — Iyanla Vanzant 

"We have a tendency to always test people's love. 'I want to see how badly I have to behave before you'll leave me. Because I don't really think you want me anyhow.'" — Iyanla Vanzant 

"You are never angry for the reason you think you are. There's an older hurt under that."
— Iyanla Vanzant 

"My favorite definition [of forgiveness] is giving up the hope that the past could be any different."
— Oprah 

"Create what you want as opposed to being stuck in what you didn't have." — Iyanla Vanzant 

"The best students get the hardest lessons." — Iyanla Vanzant
"Our beliefs become the rules we live by, and then here's what happens: We make ourselves right." — Cheryl Richardson 

"Affirmation plus action equals miracles." — Cheryl Richardson 

"Every word you speak and every thought you think is an affirmation for your future."
— Cheryl Richardson 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, and not our darkness, that frightens us."
— Marianne Williamson, quoted during the webcast by Oprah 

"The key belief—Gary Zukav said this many years ago—the key belief is whether or not you believe the universe is a compassionate and loving place. ... I would have to say, I believe that no matter what, no matter what difficulty, no matter what dark hour befalls me ... there's a rainbow in the cloud." — Oprah 

"If you want a divorce, you're already alone. Because ... you're married to a person you don't want to be with." — Martha Beck
"When you don't show up as who you are, people fall in love with who you're not. Then when they find out who you are, that's when they leave." — Iyanla Vanzant 

"Just give yourself permission to tell the truth to yourself." — Iyanla Vanzant 

"Stay in your car in your lane on your road in your world. Stay in your own lane. Don't be minding other people's spiritual business. Stay in your car. In your lane. On your road. In your world." — Iyanla Vanzant 
"That's ... what Gary Zukav says about authentic power: Authentic power [is] when the personality comes to serve the energy of your soul."—Oprah 

"Very often as adults we still behave like we can't say this. We can't do that. We can't ask for this. ... We deal with people as if we're children who don't have the right to speak up. Deal adult to adult." — Iyanla Vanzant 

"Love people enough to tell them the truth. And respect them enough to know that they can handle it." — Iyanla Vanzant 

"If you start from the place of being grateful—this is what I love when I keep a gratitude journal, trying to do at least five things in a day that I'm grateful for—it means you look at the day differently." — Oprah 

"You are the only one who gets to say what goes on in your life. And when you say something—that this is going to go on in my life—[and] then it doesn't work, you get to say something else. ... Make another choice in another moment." — Iyanla Vanzant 

"Life gives you an endless supply of do-overs." — Iyanla Vanzant

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Grateful, Lucky Lucky Bastard.

Why is it that humans, specifically this human are so god damn resistant to change. Stuff that doesn't change eventually dies away so it's really a matter of accept it now on my terms or accept it later when there is no choice.

Today is my very last visit with the psych doctor who has treated me for nearly 15 years. Financially it isn't possible to continue and more than that I feel like he has opened every door for me, at least a crack for me to do the work and push them open then walk right through them. He hasn't been the only source of open  doors for me but consistently he has been the most, well, consistent. It's cool what happens when willingness meets instruction and opportunity. I have gone from a depressed bipolar mess who insisted on trying the next newest miracle pill to someone who has to fight the urge to tell depressive friends, "That new pill your excited about isn't going to do for you what you want it to".  I'm actually kind of anti-meds now. I'm especially anti-meds when I hear someone who thinks the pill alone will heal their life.  Make no bones about it, if the day comes the pill comes out that will fix all my brokenness , I will be the first in line. lol  All those meds can do is adjust the intricate chemicals and juices in the head that put me on even ground enough to have a fighting chance and making better choices and to un-knot the knots of my diseased thinking and backwards feelings.

I've got a lot of medical and spiritual tools in my bag that are traceable back to my monthly meeting DFM.  He never asked me to be anywhere but in the moment and really examine what was happening as it was happening. For people like me who are depressive and living in the past or fearful or catapulting into the future,  Momentarianism- the land of living presently with thought is the perfect to built a house of wellness.

People make entrances and exits in our lives daily, some for a reason and some for a season. The fact that I have had a consistent agent of compassion and change in my medical life and my life of spirit for a decade and a half puts me in the "Lucky Bastard" category and also in the category of "Grateful Bastard".

Monday, December 12, 2011

I knew the look in her eyes, it was fear she couldn't disguise

A few minutes before time for a meeting to start I saw a tiny slip of a woman put her hands above her eyes to peer into the meeting hall. I smiled and motioned for her to come in. She was my mother, she was my friend's mother she was every addicts mother who had came to the end of their rope and just went out searching. Searching for help, searching for a hand, searching for a voice that would tell her that there was still a possibility that her fears wouldn't be confirmed. The fear her only child would die from addiction is what brought her to 3713 today. The only information I had for her was that a Naranon meeting would take place at 6:30 at the hall she was at and that there were people who knew where she stood. There she would find understanding and a way to deal with loving an addict whether or not he ever gets clean or if he chases the rock to a brutal senseless end. I gave her the website and assured her there were thousands of parents out their with a recovery plan of their own and that if her son ever wanted to come to another meeting she could call me and I would meet him there. This is real fucking life, unfolding under my very nose and I have spent most of the day consumed in my own  psychodrama starring myself. If I prayed I would pray for her, instead I am redirecting positive energy her way. What a bold, brave woman. No man or woman opens the door to recovery without facing down a million fears.  My human bowl is fuller this moment for my interaction with her. Heartbreak in her voice, fear in her eyes and hope, (though she did not see it) that there was something inside the sad gray walls of this building that could save her son. Color me touched.

Time for change but how?

Things in my living situation are about to boil over, or i am about to boil over. I know I need to change some things but I have no clue as to how to go about it. How do you get THERE from HERE? I was sitting in the tub just now and I realized I had my face buried in the washrag for an extended time, not moving and loud thoughts banging against my temples. After 20 years of therapy , treatment and a butt load of self help books the first thoughts that came to my mind were, "your trapped, the only way out is to kill yourself". I actively told my head that was a lie and that everyday i sit in meetings with people who change their situations all the time. That was the voice of illness telling me that living a life I would enjoy filled with the freedom that should come with being a grown man would never be mine, that I was incapable of living a clean grown up life. I know there is a life out there, I know I am doing real , good work moving toward it but as far as the real steps I need to take to get there are a mystery. I can stay clean, I know how to do that but how do I get my car fixed, find work and get a place to live in order to get away from my fucked up sister and the mother who depends on me not to grow up?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Creative intention of manifestation

There is a specific creative intention behind my manifestation on this planet. Just as dogs are meant to dogs, roses are meant to be roses, I am meant to be what I am. The only way I can fulfill the creative intention behind to me is to be myself and to honor the things that make me special and unique. My life is  not mean to be filled with crap I think is necessary/bells and whistles. As long as I am true to who I am, which is a loving, gentle , funny human ,I am a success at my own intention. The rest of it is extraneous bits of ego trying to tell me "this is who you are" "you need to look like this", "you need this car" "what they think matters". The spirit must be free of the ego and it's attempts at high jacking creative intention for egoic identification to nothings.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


I caught the last 5 minutes of the update "Unsolved Mysteries today. There was a jewish man who was 14 when the concentration camp was liberated. He ran into a young soldier who gave him food. Overcome the kid dropped to his Knees and held onto the young soldiers leg. The soldier stroked his shaved head and kept telling him over and over that it would be ok.

The grown up man recalls the story and broke down in tears when the soldier touched him, hugged him. He smelled, he was covered in lice but the soldier didn't care. He just had this moment with this kid. He got rations for the boy and the others and he was never seen again.

I want to be the soldier. I want to touch, to hug and to love people that think they are too dirty for such human touch. It is like a magnetic pull in the core of my chest to love like this. I don't know how it's going to happen but I feel like it is. Not only was I born this way, my life of not feeling love is my greatest teacher on what people need and how to give love to them in a way they can feel.

In '82 when I went to the dentist, it was the first time Universal Health Precautions had started and I remember feeling like I was to dirty for the dentist to touch. The rubber gloves freaked me out. I knew exactly what he meant when he was taken by surprised someone was willing to touch him. It's a struggle for me to feel worthy of touch, but I have no problem at all giving love. My problem is receiving it without becoming nauseous.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Friday, December 2, 2011

I've been thinking of two different , I guess you would called them metaphors for my recovery program. When people have heart surgery they put them on a heart and lung bypass machine that actually does the "living" for you while the repairs are being made.
 The second one is in certain businesses they have manual over-ride on certain machines in case they fail to function properly. My life failed to function and I practice a recovery program as my own version of manual over ride.

Don't really no why these to ideas have been rolling around in my head for a couple of days but they have. Between the life support the recovery program provides me while I do the work of , well, stepwork and I have a way to over ride the disease mode I seem to want to live in. 

Both metaphors are hopeful as is my life today.

Thursday, December 1, 2011


I've been sort of hung up in the middle of an upgrade and I've had to stay present and work program to keep my head above water.. I had a friend keep me company for 3 hours on the phone the other night and I talked about about my longstanding issue with my dad. The next day I listened to a lady I feel like is the real deal talk for two hours about true forgiveness. When it comes to parents she said, even if they treated you horribly growing up it is important to at least honor the fact that they are responsible for the act of our creation. I've known for  a long time that I needed to get to a place of real forgiveness with my  parents and stepmother. Not saying I have to engage them in relationships now, because it wouldn't be healthy but in about 24 hours of hearing Iyanla I had a major shift in consciousness and I became lighter in spirit. That is what forgiveness feels like to me, lightness and focus. It's not safe for me to engage in any interactions with my dad and stepmom but I am choosing to forgive me dad. I had a dream 2 nights ago where my stepmom went to hug me one of her fake hugs and I backed up and said NO. I'm not going to play nice, not play like she didn't sand bag my mother in her grab for my dad. To do that fake shit DiShonors my spirit.  I actually feel like I haven't felt in months, where I can be so moved by a story or a song I feel emotion well up. That's a good feeling. I hope my upgrade, (this upgrade) is either complete or far enough along that I can start using some of the new functions and capabilities. I'm free, clean and dare I say happy. I look forward to more of the same or support if it gets ugly from my friends with similar journeys. I haven't used drugs, including alcohol and pot in 19 months and one week, give or take a day and I'm set up to live the life I want not the one I think I deserve.

Religion SUCKS

Friday, November 25, 2011

I"m whooped.

I'm tired and I have such a headache and it's probably caused by holiday stress. I have spent a little too much time being nice lately, nice when I was actually giving parts of my self away when I didn't have it to give. It's mental illness and addiction that tell me I need to be alone in order to get a break from everyone but the fact is I just need to set some boundaries and not let my desire to help someone else hinders my growth. I've been eating like a person who was never going to have access to food again. Trying to fill some void up.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


I've been hearing that little prompt from deep inside my brain urging me to indulge, "treat myself". When I took the drugs out of the equation, food and buying things stepped up to the batters box. I get some sort of chemical boost in my brain when I act out on something and the fact that there may be consequences is totally ignored. Spend now, PAY later, literally. I am going to the doctor's this morning for my three month blood work to make sure my Lithium isn't cooking my kidneys, and that means I have to step on the scale. After a two week food plan hiatus, the weight gain will be luck a punch in the stomach but  possibly even a worse outcome would be I consumed like a starving person and it didn't add up that badly. That would give me a reservation that I had wiggle room which I would be tempted to take advantage of like a crazy person.  The very fact that my inner disease of addiction could tell me anything and I would believe it in a weak moment makes me very frustrated with myself. I know, I can't use anything to make me feel or not feel and get away with it long. So the theory of Indulgence is just that, an unprovable idea. Give me an inch and the disease takes a mile. So maybe today I will just be and feel whatever is happening in the moment and not believe the voice of disease when it tells me "Go ahead, just this once, spend some money, eat a pizza, you deserve it". 

Just not going to shoot myself in the foot regarding recovering from this illness of thoughts and feelings.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

17 Best Self Help quotes of all time.

1. “The best way to predict the future is to create it.”
Peter F. Drucker
2. “Believe in Yourself and there will come a day when others will have no choice but to believe with you.”
Cynthia Kersey
3. “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
4. “Out of clutter, find simplicity; from discord, find harmony; in the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity.”
Albert Einstein
5. “If you think you can or you think you can’t either way you are right.”
Henry Ford
6. “In the long run, we only hit what we aim at.”
Henry David Thoreau
7. “Success is something you attract by the person you become.”
Jim Rohn
8. “We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.”
Mother Teresa
9. “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
Nelson Mandela
10. “The miracle is this; the more we share, the more we have.”
Leonard Nimoy
11. “All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.”
Walt Disney
12. “It is not what we take up, but what we give up, that makes us rich.”
Henry Ward Beecher
13. “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.”
14. “The greatest achievement was at first, and for a time, but a dream.”
Napoleon Hill
15. “To get something you never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.”
Author Unknown
16. “Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.”
Josh Billings
17. “Don’t spend your precious time asking ‘Why isn’t the world a better place?’ It will only be time wasted. The question to ask is ‘How can I make it better?’ To that there is an answer.”
Leo F. Buscaglia

Monday, October 24, 2011

Picking my ass back up and back onto the Healthy Eating wagon

I started back on my eating program yesterday. It's an important step for me because in the past, I lose weight and then lose my way. The fact that i made it thru yesterday after taking 13 days off is great. I'm proud of myself because the voice that tells me "You can't stick to this" didn't win. Just a day by day approach but anytime I can fall apart, get up and try again is a big ass victory to me. Interestingly, without having food to buffer my thoughts and feelings, I have noticed the "chatter" has been a little more fierce and I don't really feel psychically that great. Cutting out the sugar is part of it, it has a  nasty detox. It isn't about getting thin. "Thin" most times makes people look older or sick. I am tired of feeling powerless over what I put in my mouth and the sneak/secret eating makes me feel like I have a layer of grime on me. When you are out of balance and out of control and your drug is something you do in hiding, is different that food being your drug, because when you are fat, you have no choice in showing the world there is something out of balance. My powerlessness over food shows every time I move and my man boobs jiggle underneath the unforgiving fabric of my shirt. With drugs, you can simply not be around them, with food, we still have to eat. I'm inviting the program of NA into my food thing.  Thankfully I don't have to know how to stay on an eating plan long term. I only have to care for myself with my food choices in this moment and then in this day. I remember an episode of Designing Women where Suzanne talks about the irony of her spending a day hurt and sad because she had too much to eat, when there was a boy representing a foreign country there trying to educate the world on the starvation of his family and others in  his crippled home land.

I have to much to eat, that is an American problem. I just want some balance and peace with it. I want some freedom from this. I have dieted since I was in the 9th grade. I had brought a blouse to my 90 year old grandma and after she tried it on she said she needed to lose weight. My earliest memories of grandma were linked with her crazy dieting, the cantaloupe diet, the pineapple diet, the tuna diet (which actually took away her sense of smell for weeks after quitting it) the liquid shake diet, the cabbage soup diet.Aktins, Scarsdale, High carb , low care and Weight Watchers.  I asked her when she first tried to restrict her food and she said at 11 years old. That meant for 80 years she had fought with food and weight. What a waste of energy.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Aday in thelife

I have been thinking about a couple of people that are in my recovery hall. They are smart, very quick and full of book knowledge from all the literature of NA. When they share, if a new person came in they would think, wow, those two know a lot. What they don't know is how to hook all that knowledge up to their spirits and actually get recovery. Instead of spouting off book shit for over five minutes, a simple "I'm scare or I'm confused, or I need help" would get them much further along. I had to ask a friend if I shared like that when I came in because I wasn't sure. She said I didn't and that I was sincerely asking for help and admitting I didn't know what I was doing. I don't like anyone to open two books when they share and point out sentences and passages like they were doing us a favor and have prepared lessons or sermons for us.  I feel like if they don't learn how to shut up and simply state their feelings they are going to have a few more years of floundering and being disconnected. I personally like being the newcomer. I don't have to pull amazing and wise shit out of a hat. I'd like to share my experience with you but I don't want to say anything that I have not  gotten some sort of organic, living, breathing comprehension of the topic of discussion in recovery. You are smart, and quick, we get it. What the fuck is that good for if you can't use it to have a day without using or obsessing to use. Stop worrying about what you look like on the outside, what you drive, what you work at. I don't know if anyone is going to speak up or not.  We love you regardless and as good at recovery as you get, you never get to graduate.

The lesson I learn from these members is to feel more, live more and give my mouth a rest. There is no glamor or celebrity in being crowned king of NA or Queen of the nuthouse so just let go and be the one who needs to be loved on the most. It is well within my personality to try to impress with my wit and brilliance, but I had nearly 20 years in the other fellowship where I "knew" to much for my own good and it never really did for me what it did for others, even when i was sober for a few years. If you have less than 30 days, I request that you do not quote entire passages out of the book. You clearly haven't internalized them and we start small and build on top of that. Is this my experience or is this my ego? Turning the words in print into imprints on my spirit is more important than delivering the keynote speech at every meeting I go to. Also, as a group, we are pretty fucking hard to impress. lol

Monday, September 19, 2011

I haven't forgot you little blog

I haven't forgot you just been experiencing life and haven't sat down to process in words.  I'm watching the first show of  "Dancing with The Stars" and it makes me happy that I can root so hard for people to do well and really want them to get a special experience out of it like many others. I love David Arquette. He's in recovery and he is such a lovable person. I don't care who wins, I just want my favorites to have one of those transformative experiences , because I want transformative experiences. It feels good to have general kindness in my heart and to root for strangers in my life. I'm trying hard to really participate and make things happen in my life. I've picked up and filled out a couple of job applications for part time work. Partly because I am not sure I wouldn't crash and burn if I jumped into a full time job after no work for 11 years and the other is I need some sort of recent work for better employers to verify. I know without a doubt that the universe rewards action. It will more than meet me halfway when I do my part. I have been successfully back on Weight Watchers for a week after taking a week off to medicate my feelings. The key I always miss is after i jump off the program, I fail to get back on. My continued lesson in intredpidness continues. I'm in a place I never thought I would be again. I'm really happy and in tune with the spirit and my hope levels have never been higher. I am so full of compassion and love it is a little scary but I'm rolling with it. 

Monday, August 22, 2011

UP late, arm wound feels icky

This is my armpit, where the surgeons glue failed me miserably. Now he is out of town and I have what looks like an exit wound from a bullet.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I know, I know, there before the grace of 'God"? go I

My sister was off the smoke coke for a couple weeks. She did her pills but none of that in and out of the house ever 5 minutes and frantic attempts to redecorate or frenzied half all yard and tree work. She refiiled her smoke coke prescription with her lovely dealer in Longview. It's like watching a hampster on well,,,,crack. Excitedly hurrying between strange projects that only make since in her head.  I'm disappointed. She is 50 and never had a single consequence other than losing her storage locker in Houston. I just hate the fate that everything and everyone in the house feels so out of control when she smokes the rocks. I'm grateful it isn't me but I want to scream at her, only I couldn't scream loud enough to get through the addiction and speak to her. Been there done that. Wish the universe would help us all out here and do for her what she can't do for herself. We all have to get there on our own, that is, that ones of us that make it out.

pictures from LR14