Wednesday, April 20, 2011

perspecitives ---shifting

Yesterday I heard my mom come through the door and she caught me off guard with a really stupid fear based question and it caught me so off guard I just looked at her and tried to figure out a way to a dress my blinding anger and balance my personal growth knowing full well her fear based thoughts are her shit. But it activitated the tiny invisible noose she has around my spirit and it gave a quick jerk to cut of my air. I have my fiftieth birthday within I site and she wants to question me like a teenager about something she has made up in her mind??!! LOL, I think think NOT.

I've never felt the safety a kid should feel when dealing with a parent. Every time I see her there is a part of me that recognizes possible danger ahead and my self esteem retreats. I would love to feel free enough to have friends around when my mom is there too. I thought for a while it's so I wouldn't have to listen to her harsh judgements and attempts to find out the lurid stories on them in their addiction history, but I realized today. I don't want to bring my friends around because I don't want her to hurt their feelings with thoughtless fear based comments.

A few weeks ago I had weekend plans out of town and they were cancelled. When mom heard I wasn't going she said "Oh thank God".  This was just a weekend trip to Dallas for some meetings and she would rather keep me crippled than watch me grow. I can't fix her but it makes me more determined than ever to carve out something that is just mine in the life and never make people that I love feel unsafe with thoughtless comments that hurt peoples self esteem and fragile spirits.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Very bored and very goofy, sadly I'm not done yet. lol

It's taken two days to birth this idea. lol

When one of us hurts, we all bleed, whether we see it or not. Until we are all fed and loved none of us will truly be whole. Denial of truth doesn't change the it, it only convinces us the giant puddle of blood we stand in isn't our own, but it in fact IS.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I caught a glimpse of a spiritual idea so large I don't thing I have the capacity to comprehend its magnitude

I had the realization months ago of the paradox of choosing to love you at your worst makes it easier to love myself when I fail miserably. When I give you a break and the quicker I do it, the quicker I give myself a break. The jail I plan for you , i already am locked up in. I think it's because there is no u and no me. There is only the spirit and when I deny you rights, I am denying myself because despite the world's core belief that you are there and I am here, the truth is we are one. No division. If I hurt you , I bleed in some aspect in my own life.

I'm not sure if we as a whole world will ever be able to realize that we indeed are one, I do know, I have a working knowledge of it now and it's up to me to work within my revelation. Fear cannot be allowed to divide me from your pain and joy, because your pain and joy are a part of me, they are also my joy and my pain. I know it must sound crazy but I really want to get this being a human and all the experiences it  entails down. I've spent over half my life asleep and completely blocked of to the part of life that you hold for me.

It frustrates me I can quite get the whole realization to come and I for sure can't articulate it the way I like to articulate things but it must not be time. Some "upgrades" come in packages because one must be installed for the other to be added.

I know, like I know my mother's name, like I know that fire burns and I know like water is wet, we are one. What the hell I do with that knowledge is a mystery, but , by god I know it now. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I woke up me.

I got to watch someone last night completely tweaked and not only did in NOT look fun it was like watching the twitches, the final twitches of the dying. Using the tools of wellness, I allowed myself to notice it but not take it on personally. I slept really well and woke up completely in the zone. It's always a treat when I don't have to do my morning routine to remember who I am, to wake up as myself is great. This could be the best day of my life. It has all the makings to be fantastic and beyond the scope of what my addict mind could dream up for myself. To me , that is the essence of my recovery. When I do the basics I align myself up with what the flow of all that is life in the universe, verses what I feel compelled to scratch out and settle for on my own. I'm not alone, I am just as much a part of the universe as the moon is and the same power that can pull a plant out of a tiny seed can pull a life out of me. Not only can that magic pull happen, it's happening. I have undeniable proof all around me and it all starts with abstinence and surrender. After that, my progress is entirely dependent on my level of willingness and action. Some days it just comes easier and I'm going to enjoy this one and it may just mean that today is my day to be the strong one for the people I love and provide the stability and support for someone else who DIDN'T wake up themselves this morning.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Falling in to myself

I"m around a lot of young people. One thing that I have discovered  is that  the merits of growing older more than make up the things we leave behind to our youth. I was ask to go with a young person for a weekend retreat of sorts and I was going to go as a part of my push to get out of my comfort zone and live bigger. The planning though was sort of ramshackled and I realized, that if I am going to go somewhere, I need for my own peace of mind a general idea of when I'm actually departing and where I might actually be sleeping, and when I might reasonably expect to sleep. lol

Since geting clean every single day is an exploration of what it feels like to be in a a 43 year old body that for all intense and purposes has topped the peak. Weird allergies, neck and headaches, a foot that seems to get tired quicker than the other are just a few of the notations on my daily inventory of noticeable wears and tears. I'm full blown addict with regards to my thinking and feeling, everything is deep and everything is full frontal. I could easily be eaten back up with emotions and chaos if I didn't have a program and I wasn't of an age where I can balance my present against the experience I have had on the planet.

. The greatest benefit of being over 40 is I'm NOT under 30.

The first time I had a therapist who learned my story told me that I was a survivor. At first it had no meaning to me but now I do clearly see that when put in the situation that I could not possibly prepare for, odds are I really could manage to find my way out. A bonus I realized is, it doesn't have to be pretty either. You don't always have to look good when your saving your very ass. Save your ass and your pretty pretty face will follow.

I don't think the day will ever come again when a broken heart or unrequited love would make me think of ending it all. I don't have a the romantic fervor of a young person and I am GRATEFUL.

I know now, it's just as much or maybe more exciting to be a valued member of the team than to be the goddamn star. Look what we did is way more fulfilling than "LOOK WHAT I DID".

Celebrate progress. I'm learning both in recovery and in my 40's to celebrate the perspective shifts. When I see something in a completely new light, or see something from someone elses point of view I know that I am open and I am not only capable of change, but I am changing. I know old people. I know old people who haven't changed their minds in 20 years about anything. It makes it hard to like them sometimes. Living a life that doesn't contain room to evolve in thought and spirit is like a sad paralysis and it's very very unfulfilling. World history is clear, things that don't adapt die.

I've always been sort of embarrassed by the fact I don't have this overwhelming urge to live til I am a hundred. I don't have a burning desire for a long live. Maybe it comes from feeling so much devastating pain in my spirit so early on, but I will tell you want I want. I WANT  on my last day of life, whether that be today or 40 years from now, I want to have a life filled with so many people and so much love that I leave this world fighting for one more day, one more hour even one more minute. So I've to to get busy. I've got a big life that's only a quarter full of stuff I would find death for , for one more day.

I said the first real prayer the other day I've said in a few years. I asked that I be granted a life that I would fight death for.

Now, I ask you, is that to much to ask for ? lol

Tuesday, April 5, 2011