Sunday, February 27, 2011

I'm double dipping with post tonight

My thoughts and emotions are all over the place. If I weren't 4 days into detox from Paxil, I would start back. I want to scream at people then collapse into a weeping pile of silver hair with love. If I can just get sleepy I know i will wake up in a better mood. I just went through my facebook friends list and deleted a lot of them. There are people I like, and have to run in the same recovery circles but I quit trying to like someone just because we recover with the same program. I am open to the real possibility when i become myself again post detox I may feel differently.
Perhaps eating will fill the gap between now and sleep time.


It's day four of operation antidepressant reduction. I'm at the point where I really feel the side effects are out weighing the benefits. The meds block me from feeling other things besides the depression. There is a level of laughter that I haven't felt in over a year and I never feel like sex is interesting at all. At just 43 I'm too young to give up on funny sex. lol

I've been experiencing some electric zaps while detoxing from the Paxil and it made me remember that when I STARTED the treatment it made me have the Zaps.

My sister is leaving for Canada tomorrow and not a minute to soon. I think I should be thankful to have a first row seat to the weird , bizzare shit that addicts do when they are using. I know she is on a mix of Xanax, Ambien and Pot these days and sometimes the smoke form of coke, but there is this weird stupor that exist even when the shit has worn off. Last week when I broke the water heater pipe and the washroom was sprayed with water. a big old suitcase was soaked and set out to be thrown away. At some point yesterday she took a knife and removed the outer covering of the suitcase and trimmed it down to the frame and the handle.????????? When mother asked her if she did it and why, all she could come up with this morning was she thought she might need to use the handle to replace another one sometime and she could use the the fake leather big pieces to "cover stuff up" (WTF)
I know I do shit just as bizarre when I use, but to see this lunacy from the side of the non using person is aggravating, frustrating and sad when I let myself remember what it feels like from the inside too.

I'm having to be a loving human with a person I am related to by blood. I'm trying hard to acknowledge my frustration but to remember she is sick like me. IT"S HARD. Did I mention THIS SHIT IS HARD!

This is my life today though. February 28 , the final day of the month and I don't have a choice (B). So I am going to recover REGARDLESS, try to be of service to another and not use. Life, the world and the goodness of the universe are to fantastic to miss, and I grateful to know that down to the very cellular atomic structures of my physical being. I had my ass sufficiently kicked to get here and today, we don't go backwards. WE DO RECOVER.