I am really grateful this morning. Grateful not just specifics but all levels. I like where I am and that is such a crazy foreign experience for me. I ran smack in the middle of one of my favorite foods to over eat last night when my mom and sister cooked meat sauce, spaghetti and garlic cheese bread. I know visually how much to put in a bowl and eat and still stay reasonable with the point count, but it would have knocked me out of a snack or two before bed. As good as it smelled, I passed and had my fav. chicken fajita thing instead because I didn't want to have to do without later. It's a big step forward for me to thing about the repercussions of my action BEFORE I eat.
I am so thankful to still be interested in learning new ways of dealing with the world and the things/people I come in contact with. It's easy to begin a change, but to keep feeding the desire to change is frankly difficult. Change can only take place in the present moment. If I keep stringing those moments together I will get to who I want to be. I've really been giving the fact that I need a compelling vision of who I want to be in order to get there. My identity in my head thankfully, doesn't match who I have become and who I still want to be. I don't smoke anymore, I don't eat xanax or somas to "Relax" my self from hideous hideous anxiety and I'm not a recluse anymore. I'm trying to visualize, what I dress like, what my hair looks like, how I stand.
I read a quote that, real change is almost impossible to sustain unless you have a "compelling vision". I see myself clearly, moving with focused attention, reaching my hand out , grabbing someone on a sinking ship and yanking them into safety. I believe that old saying that I have heard on Oprah for 20 years. If you get, you must give. if you learn, you must teach. I can't wait to get to the point of my recovery from a self centered, self driven life to being someone with a way out that is sharable to other people who have noticed they live in the dark but suspect there is more that available to them.
I just took a quick look around me and I own very few things. The things that are mine I am thankful for but not attached to. Maybe one day things will mean more to me because i have long suspected if you don't have the highest value on yourself, nothing you own will mean much. It's like how the moon doesn't have it's own source of illumination. It simply is lit my the light of the sun. My value for myself is like the light of the sun. If I don't have a bright light, then nothing can get "lit up" by me. It probably sounds grandiose, but I would love to light everyone I meet up like the sun light the moon.
So today I am going to treat myself as lovingly as possible and that includes what I tell myself in the form of thoughts. I will be kind and gentle and remember that mistakes are not failures and even if they were, failure isn't fatal. I will attend, I mean really be with the people I am with today. I will focus my full attention on them just like the attention I want to be given. Even though no one may be looking or watching, I am going to be the me that I believe I can be. I will make healthy choices, and look at my life as important, but not so important I can't find the humor in being human, which means, my flaws aren't fatal either. My intention is to bring hope, love and laughter to the people I encounter today and embody the best possible qualities with my one time shot at being human.
I look forward so much to all of you checking in with updates of your day and diet because even though I don't "know" you, I know you. It makes me feel good to have this tiny shared space together, no pun intended, but in this, our common "thread".