I had a pretty big day for understanding and new ideas. I was on the way to Longview, which is the closest city to me. I was driving the backroads and picturing the thrift store I was going to and wondering if I had enough time to hit it, then go to a noon meeting. I had one of those moments of clarity that don't come often enough. I was spending all of my thought energy on future events and places I was headed to and none focused on the moment I was in, and the moment I was wasting. I had wasted 15 minutes of solo car time, with satellite radio. I pulled myself back into my body and turned the radio to an oldies/disco station and lost myself in the feel of the moving car, the feel of the leather seat underneath me, the cool air blowing the straight part of my air around. I was in my body, in that car, and in the moment. It felt great.
I remember when I was little and started to avoid living in the moment because that meant feeling the feelings of that moment which weren't good feeling feelings. I learned to sneak away where I could be myself, eat my chocolate contraband. I would sneak in the kitchen when everyone was asleep and graze by the GE Light Bulb in the fridge. Little by little I completely moved out of living in the moment. The moment is where you get hurt pain can only swallow you up in the moment. Even as a 42 year old semi-grown man, I get warm thinking about disappearing with a pizza or bucket of chicken or ice cream and just eat by myself. The hormones that are released in my brain at the smell or site of food is as overwhelmingly addictive as nicotine or heroin.
I'm not sure I can explain so a stranger would understand, but I feel like this is one of the big key chunks of the lose and gain cycle that has been my life for 25 years or so. I don't want to be eating lunch and thinking about what i can eat for dinner. It's addiction it is slavery to the refrigerator and it will kill me. Starve off 50 pounds gain back 65lbs.
I want to have plenty of space in my life for delicious food. I just don't want to try to use it as a coping tool. lol This issue is completely tied in with my prescription drug addiction and alcohol issues. My brain thinks it needs medication for me to handle living in the present. Something to cut the edge, or calm my anxious feelings. So I'm practicing noticing when I am NOT in the moment and practicing getting back to it as soon as I see I am future tripping or picking through some painful event from my past.
I think about to those unfortunate bastards who have gone through the hell of gastric bypass then become alcoholics or sex addicts. Until those lucky men and women, and myself get to the core of "what's eating us" the pain will continue to have us finding other ways to dull our ache. In the 70's people I knew of actually wired their jaws shut surgically. My mouth isn't my issue. My issue is my issue, and that is hideously low self esteem and the inability to be present in the moment. I do want to say, that when I mention living in the moment, it is living in the moment without the ghost of the past trying to shape my perception of it. To let the present unfold in front of me with painful specters trying to convince me that something bad is going to happen if I open up and try to enjoy my life.
That is a really hard one for me guys. lol
I think this stuff is fascinating. If you see yourself in any of this craziness let me know. If it bored you to tears, DON"T LET ME KNOW> lol