Sunday, June 27, 2010

At the core of my issues is fear

I never felt safe as a child, as a kid or as a young adult or even an adult for that matter. Never. I never had a place or a person that I could go to and feel like I wasn't in jeopardy. The odd thing about that is had both parents and they were always there but I never could just tell them I was afraid. Everything in my little world was overwhelming. Picturing in my mind now, a tiny shouldered dark haired boy hypersensitive and alone makes me sad.

When I started school, I was picked on and I wasn't safe there. I was around all these people who were suppose to take care of me and none of them could tell that I was drowning. The pisser about drowning is from a distance you can't tell if someone is splashing about and having fun in the water or if they are struggling. The are struggling to stay a float, struggling for air and struggling for life.

Everyone I knew assumed I was "playing in the water" because at the same time I was struggling, i couldn't be a bother with my feelings.

The first time I got drunk on bootleg malt liquor in the 8th grade was the first time, that even for a moment I felt not so exposed, vulnerable or scared.

Actually I experience the euphoria and fineness of alcohol at a fancy dinner before that. The hideous wine made me feel warm from the inside out. Warm and cozy. It was the first time I had alcohol and I tried to get as much as I could at the dinner without anyone noticing. Walking outside in the Newport street , with the warm breeze blowing, I felt great. I felt in the flow, I felt drunk. It was good.

Honestly it quit doing that for me a long time ago. I used it for awkward social gigs, dates I didn't want to go on and to relax enough to have really nasty dirty sex.

I could give list after list of specifics of when I was scared, had no one and couldn't verbalize me fear. I'm not sure that each individual episode are important, because it was just more of the same.

I was like a turtle with no shell, crossing a multilane freeway. I was scare, alone and I was to exposed and certain the attack was imminent.