Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Kimberly -thanks for sharing your experiences and thanks for the tips on how to allow the program to work for me. I will try a new approach.

I felt like an idiot after I posted because  frankly, it seemed to make me sound like an idiot. Just getting honest with you all helps some of the chatter die down, especially the leader with the megaphone. lol I don't think I quite hit my point total but I did take in plenty of protein so my points were good points and no stupid ones. I actually was in a twist about having added to many raisins to my special one cup , bowl earlier today. Really, 12 raisins would shoot me out of the point water for the day? lol   If you all don't mind I may try it again when my thoughts are screwed, it did help me today getting the crazy out and sharing it.  

One thing I know for sure and that I don't have to waste time and energy wondering about, that is SUGAR may just as well be crack cocaine. One bite of sugar turns loose this monster from the pit of my core than is coming out for more sugar. A spoon of ice cream and licking the bottom of the carton. Those 9.00 specialty coffees,,,,,,,,,I need to bring 30 bucks with me because I'm not stopping til the monster says I can. Part of being a drug addict is there is a driving force in me whether it be booze or pills that frightens me to start knowing there is a strong possibility I will have stop, just one shy of having enough.  One cookie, one candy, one frozen coffee. I want to know that once I start I WILL be satisfied. Then after the monster has had it's way and left me crumbled in bed, the self loathing comes relentlessly.  The obsession followed by compulsion is the actual equation in Narcotics Anonymous when discussing what is addiction. I recover from benzodiazepines one day at a time, only with food, I have to learn how to appropriately nourish my body with out eating to death.  The drugs are easier because I just don't put one in my mouth.

Set him Free

For 20 years I arrogantly believed that I knew when I turned inward and quit letting my feeling escape. I thought I new when I went into the whole. It seemed at 12 when the house went nuts when my sisters drug abuse which dovetailed into menopause for my mother. When I say shit was crazy it was crazy, some stuff I wouldn't even would to speak into the air.

Through therapy and my intense inquisitiveness I have been spelunking into the dark caves of my experience and my emotions.

I have figured out that by 5 years old, I already was trying not to let on that I was frightened or angry. My mom took me into a little 5 and Dime in a town near ours. I was looking at a toy display and I looked up and my mother was gone. I hurried down the aisle and did not find her. At this time my chest had cut my ability to breath off. Pounding in my ears . I was trying to figure out how she could forget I was with her and leave. As I was in full little boy panic attack mode, I tried to walk slow and make it look like I was completely fine. I was melting down and I couldn't cry out and say help. She appeared as quickly as she disappeared and I tried to look like nothing had been wrong.

I had already bought into "my feelings are bad and must not be shared".  It made me feel week if I let you know I was melting down. It didn't have much to do with actual embarrassment. It had to do with me censoring my feelings and it proved to be a near deadly decision on my part to not share fear, or pain or joy for that matter. Everything had to remain dark. Mushrooms and fear/terror are the things that grow best in the dark. 40 years later, it's hard for me to open up and share what goes on when my mouth closes and i am left with only the bad messages I was injected with as a baby.

I'm trying to live differently. I am trying not to sensor myself to the point I say nothing of relevance. If I couldn't display the emotions of a child, what makes me think I can must up grown man feelings to set free to the world. Hope. Hope and the hard earned knowledge that to deny my feelings is to welcome the death of my soul.

But for the life of me I can't imagine existing through childhood any other way. The wolves would have finished me off for breakfast. Most of the defect of my character at one time helped save or preserve my life. I reached the tipping point with them and now they only serve to me me sicker and more hurtful.

If I had the chance to be a boy, this boy for an hour, I would like to set him free.

starve a feeling.

I"m a little bummed with myself. I know that that weight and food issue that I am have had since first grade and that recovery has to be loved based. I have to care for myself enough to make good choices and to pick foods that provide this clunky big old body with fuel. YOu will never be able to sustain a weight that you got to by "hating" it off. I've been really punishing the last two days and I have withheld food from myself. I don't like how really thin people look. If you see someone who had the gastric bypass done, they look like thinner, tired face version of themselves. But the moment I heard an actual number of pounds lost on Monday,, there was something that snapped and said "that isn't enough". Yesterday I ate a sandwich and a small bowl of cereal. I'm embarrassed talking about this.  I'm the worlds worse bulimic and if I could have ever figured out how to make myself throw up I would have started when I tried in 7th grade and 10th grade although I have hit laxatives  more than once in adult hood. I hate that I spend hours ever day thinking about what to eat, what I should not  eat, how much of it can be eating and how often. (oh and what is in my refrigerator) I am a straight up hard core pill user/abuser, it nearly took my life several time but I spent a good amount of time this week wondering what diet pills were available.  It's not about my weight, I may have fooled myself periodically thinking that it is but it is about my feelings and my refusal to treat me and my body as someone worth caring about.  I"m so NOT healthy today.  I never though I would be here afraid to eat again. I have my shrink appointment tomorrow so I have something to work on. Apologies for the illness sharing.