Wednesday, August 18, 2010

mediation on the first step

We admitted we were powerless over drugs and our lives have become unmanageable.

I would get a new script of Ambien or Soma and I would come up with ways I could make them last longer. I would put some in an envelope and mail it back to myself, take some out and remail it back to me again. The first experience with xanax made me feel fuzzy and soft focused, so blissful and mellow, then I would get the sugar munchies and I would eat anything sweet which was fun too. I had a secret bag of brown sugar I stashed by the couch I slept on. I would eat sugar with a spoon. Ambien made me sleep then get up and do things while asleep. I could have decided to drive somewhere and if I hadn't lived with "watchful eyes" I would have driven fucked up even though I knew one more DUI and I go to jail. My mom has the world on her shoulders and I was getting so fucked up that was frazzled to no ends. I threatened her one night and I guess I will never forget that, because I wasn't fucked up enough not remember. She grew up with mean mean drunken brothers and sisters and she was threated with her life, all her life. Now the pattern has returned with her son in the role of threatener.

I was just going to take 3 or 6 and then the bottle would be gone, I would have pissed on myself in my sleep and I would spend the next day or so looking for "stashed" pills because I just didn't believe I had taken them all. I juggled scripts and refills.

They say you can't have just one lays potato chips. I can't have just one pill. Disease takes over and I want them in mass quantities. That's the real first step to me. I know, with all the fibers of my being I have no power over pills. The cable that would allow me to take just one and leave the rest alone is not connected with me, it's like ramming a dvd into the VCR, it won't work. I liked the downers because I was trying to kill the voice inside me that still said I had a chance. The fiber, the string of life and connection to the world, would not die. It wouldn't be quieted and it wouldn't leave me alone. I never was able to take enough to make the part of me that was still human , stop reminding me that something was missing and could be found if I quit the pills.

The interesting thing was I had nearly 3 years where I didn't do drugs and I was immersed in finding spirituality, which I did. I felt great until I had a neck issue. Soma was prescribed. I took them like any good addict would and the part of me that had found peace and inspiration fell asleep instantly when I took those somas. I couldn't feel any connection at all. I went off the pills and in a month I found my peace and serenity back again. Again, I refilled the pills and this time I never got the spirituality back. It was a long months of using. I gave up and just wanted to implode. Then after a messy argument with mother and sister, I agreed to go to Brentwood.

There I made the decision that the only way I was going to have any life that I found appealing, I would have to return to a 12 step program. My counselor there told me I knew everything I needed to know to jump right into recovery and that I had insticts and intuition that was right on the money. He told me it was up to me to stop punishing myself for not being what I thought I was suppose to be. I needed to get clean, let NA remind me or teach me who I really am and why I am important to the cause of humanity. I knew NA could show me the way out of my self made misery and make something of myself that could be a benefit to others.

The first step happened to me, like a firework exploding. Suddenly I was convinced I couldn't use successfully and that any drug, will kill my sense of self, spirit and humanity. I knew I couldn't take one and figure out how to get away with it. Complete abstinence from drugs is my surest way to getting a life so great that I can't dream it up on my own, but the people in NA and the creator spirit of all that is, will match my efforts with peace and a sense of purpose and self that I couldn't even dream up for myself, let along become the dream.

4 months and no pills/downers

The testosterone treatment seems to be helping on every level. I haven't had any Soma, Ambien or Xanax in 4 months today. I haven't smoked in 2 months and I have weight watered my way through the first month. I am throwing myself into living my life and making new friends as I go. I'm in a large amount of gratitude that this really is my life.

I can't tell you how shocking it is to have a day where there doesn't seem to be enough time in it to get everything done. It's very different the prior to cleaning up the days were sooooo long.