Monday, December 21, 2009

Oh shit. It's been too long

I've been very angry. Anger coming up from 30 years of living. I haven't felt like thinking, or talking or writing. I am alive, and trying to find compassion for the family members I would love to punch in the face if I were a face puncher. It is really hard being a human. It is really hard to feel, as a human. FOr me, it is really hard not to let the bad feeling spin around and make me hurt myself.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

quick update

I'm back in Texas, North Carolina is beautiful. I have so much shit to process I am breaking a little longer from the blog but feel free to email me at

Be human this holiday!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Oh man, its time for a new level of growth

It's that time , that time to be uncomfortable a while while I grow. I feel so defeated by the compulsion for more that I have. If I get the urge to stay up late I stay up all night, if I feel the urge to sleep I want to take enough sleep aids to wake up next week sometime. One diet Coke won't be enough, nor a case of beer or large pizza. I can't enjoy a smoke if I know I only have one in the package. If I had enjoyed the feeling of uppers, i can totally see why people take tons of meth for a LOT of sex.

There is a great line in "Beaches" when Bette Midler's character is told by her mother that she just couldn't love her enough. Bette's character needed so much in order to feel love from people she wore people out.

It dawns on me right this instant that I have an automatic bypass that tells me someone can't love me as much as I want so don't bother. I could leave one or two beers in the fridge forever, I wouldn't feel the least temptation to drink them unless I was assured there would be enough to drink to pass out.

I guess I have never ran across a person that led me to believe that they were even close to having enough love possibility for me to actually feel it.

How do you get to the point when you aren't demanding more love than one human can give. How do you get to the point where you know how to love in balance, eat in balance, drink in balance without dying in the process.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I've got leavin' on my mind

I haven't spent any time out of Texas in almost five years. I leave in the morning and am excited to be striking out on my own. I have know idea what I will do with that ridiculously long lay over in Atlanta.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Leaving Wednesday for a while

It is such an odd feeling to be going somewhere with no plans or expections. I keep telling people I just have to get there and start from there. I don't have any set notions of how this trip is suppose to turn out I am just going with the flow and trusting.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My favorite Time of the night

The house has settle to the just the hum of the air purifier, my sleep meds are dissolving in my stomach and I am looking forward to sleep. Sleep has been so hard for me all my life when I get in a loop of sleeping well for a few hours I feel like i won the lottery.

Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday. I can't believe I've had that many of them. Unlike a lot of years, I've made real progress in being a human being this last year. I haven't spent 365 days afraid.

I leave next weds. at 10am for North Carolina. It's so odd to have the freedom to try another town or state if that one doesn't suit me. I'm loving the sense of understanding my freedom. All that freedom hinges on me understanding that I will be OK no matter what. When you know you are a survivor it really does cut out a lot of self created fear.

I still have so much stuff to get together before my trip. I am going to have to take my list and systematically start getting it cut down. Haircut, is near top of the list.

Once I was in the "Hospital" or "exhaustion" clinic if I were a celebrity, the bed was so uncomfortable all I could think for two weeks a cushiony bed and a real pillow. The pillow they gave me was a card board box sealed in plastic, thick tarp material. It crinkled so loudly when you moved it would wake you up.

Almost every night since then, I really do have a wave of gratitude was over me when I lay down at night and I arrange my three pillows for my big head. lol

Sunday, October 18, 2009

singing clip, first time I sang in over 6 years

I wasn't as good as when I left off, but i was pleasantly surprised at myself. The biggest thing was that I felt like singing again.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

It's great to change your mind at 42

Sometimes it seems that i came from the most inflexible family in the whole world. I never had a person around me that made thoughtful reflective decisions. I really really never had family or many friends around that would change their decision after it was made.

Over the last year especially I have changed my mind about a lot of things. Some very trivial things like deciding I do like Leanne Rymes after all, to changing my mind and re accessing what is possible in my life, I, can change my mind.

There is a lot of freedom in changing your mind about something. Life flows, it has movement and direction, therefore keeping an open mind to even things I have put a judgment on is vital to keep the flow going forward.

Three of the people I changed my mind about this year I found useless and denied their right to exist. Then, I got enough back story and some them in a human light and suddenly tapped into my compassion for them. They went from a flat image to a fully formed humans all because I saw them in a different light, a light filtered through my experiences, successes and failures while being human. To deny their value was suddenly denying my own. I have a level of respect for them now that is on par with the level of compassion and respect that all humans deserve.

By giving them a break, I gave myself a break too. When I forgive you for screwing up it is easy to forgive myself for screwing up, and vice versa.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Thinking in Moderation

One of the things that started my turn around was a read a paragraph in a book called "Undoing Depression" that stated people with depression have a real problem with thinking too much. An excessive amount of thoughts in depressed people make everything seem more impossible.

I was so relieved when I read this. It was like a giant missing puzzle piece had been given to me. My brain is busier than a main street in Tokyo when works leave to go home multiplied by a billion. I have had my thinking exhaust me.

You feel like lead, your body heave and yet your brain is constantly turning things around and around as if you can think your way out of the darkness. The past, hurts and pain are in thoughts as fresh as if they happened yesterday.

Depression in chemical. It is organic and of the body. I'm not talking about grief or extended grief from an occurrence in someones life like a death or end of job/marriage. I have seen people that couldn't move past the those things that eventually lead to a real prolonged battle with depression.

Isn't that something though, the fact that our brain churning out too much thought can actually keep us stuck in depression? I grew up "thinking" I could think my way to a solution or out of a problem. When I was young and played old school 45rpm records on a player, if there was a scratch or spot on the record the needle would get stuck and it would repeat a line of the sentence being sung, over and over until you moved the needle. Getting past the "over thinking" thing is a lot like that needle sticking.

We get an interruption in the flow of our life, chemicals get wonky, we don't have enough of them for the brain to function properly, depression results and we start thinking, and thinking and thinking.

I found, for me, I knew I was above average smarts and the fact that I couldn't figure out how to pull a rabbit out of my hat and make a success of my life, actually drove me crazy. I had to find a place somewhere inside me that could hold and retain some peace. I just wanted to be peaceful- to not always be forecasting my future or running a diagnostic on my past. I was being pulled into and the very thoughts my brain created were serving as the opposing forces of pull.

It really does feel good when it stops hurting.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

99.9% of Ideas out there don't fit me.

Only .1 percent of the the new ideas we are exposed to are going to work. "Work" meaning they can be applied to our lives and they will prove beneficial to our progress of as humans, friends, lovers, brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers.

The real trouble for a lot of us comes when a big idea working in others lives doesn't work for us. The times I have tried to align myself with a cause or religion or way of thought because it seemed to work so well for others can't be calculated it is so large.

When you are like the way I have spent most of my life, and you have no real sense of self, it took longer than it could have to ultimately reject those failing ideas. I thought I was the failure. It didn't dawn on me that the idea failed in my life. If there was failure, I took it on as mine. Always.

As humans we are such individuals that it is impossible for one idea or movement, political group or religion to work for all of us. One size doesn't fit all and it either takes a world of pain to propel us further along or really great inspiration.

I thought I was getting hit on hard once. I grooved to everything they were saying. Then instead of going out a date I was asked to an Amway meeting. I knew enough about the organization to know it was for me and most importantly I was right for them. I didn't know very much about myself then but I did know basic rudimentary things like I didn't like most vegetable, excessive heat or getting up early.

We have to get to know ourselves in order to recognize the breadcrumbs to follow to the new ideas.

The way I began to get to know myself better was I had to learn to distinguish the voice prompts , "old tapes" that played in my head and then I had to question them, or stop them.

Once I found that inner directive I started using it and telling it yes. When I would leave town to drive home and realized I had had an urge to take the other way home than usual, I did it. The more I honored my inner guide voice, the strong it was and it became way more organic.

Being myself is very hard for me. First it leaves me fearful and vulnerable when I don't have defenses up and I'm just being me. BUT, preparing for a punch can be much worse than the punch most of the times.

I felt bad when i went to a drinking support group for many reasons. First I didn't have a token amount of sober time early on to feel like I had any cache' and I didn't have anything to offer that would be valued.

Then when I had several years time there in the support group I felt set apart because frankly I didn't really care if I lived or died. I was doing all that was ask and I just didn't feel like a human.

I spent way to much time trying to make that whole program/group work for me when it was never going to work for me like others. Funny enough one of their favorite sayings "keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" applied to me with that sober movement.

When you are born different and you realized that you don't fit in to the world around you, protective mechanisms are formed quickly, quickly.

I thought it was best to ignore who I was and assimilate to them. I lost myself before I even knew it. I would try to act like I was suppose to then be me in secret. I actually did spend time in the closet growing up. I was playing. Dress up.

If one of my good friends asked me, how to start to turn it around to have a life that is justified to themselves I was advise. Start getting rid of what isn't you.(books, clothes, friends, movies). Start listening to what your thought voice is saying. Learn to distinguish your directive voice and the dangerous ones that make you hurt and feel worthless. I don't mean audio hallucination voices!

The MOST important thing is start exposing yourself to all the new ideas about love, life, spirit, creativity that you can. 99.9% won't apply to you but it only takes .1 to be a happy spirit on the planet.

One reason kids are so happy is they live in a world of color and creativity. Do something creative everyday. Write a funny email, paint a picture, style a wig, plant some flowers. As long as you are bringing forth some measure of beauty into the world that wasn't there before. You create creative energy when you do that which empowers you and then goes into the universe. Lord knows it needs all the good energy we can create.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

"Old ideas availed us nothing"

I used to hear that a lot and i thought I understood but putting some thoughts together this weekend made it really hit home for me. I have had several years now of not having to deal with wanting to die daily. There has been other things that have put me through the ringer but I can pass over a bridge without wanting to veer hard to the right or left into the guard rail.

The single biggest thing I did to get my ass out of the hole of misery was I started trying new ideas on. I watch programs, listened harder to people when they spoke, I read on the net and books. If an idea was/is in it I am willing to at least listen or look at it.

When you get some practice at it you can tell by how your body and spirit respond if it is even close to the the truth of your life.

It is impossible to be a perfectionist when you are trying new things out fighting for a new life because some things will not work and that is fine. Part of a new idea can work and the other part may suck.

I tried for a lot of years to get a life in a 12 step group. Repeatedly I tried and because it never fully clicked for me I felt like a failure once again. BUT, I did get some great new ideas there and it helped me dump a lot of old ideas and stupid assumptions.

That 12 step group wasn't for me. I wasn't sicker or less sick than them , just broken in a different way. I have to create my own program for living.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I was taught to stuff it. So it was a big day for me to unload with words

I'm not apologizing, I don't think. It was just great to really let go of the frustration I had built up not speaking my mind.. My perspective is just as valid as yours, and holding in my thoughts and emotions do more harm than good.

I feel like this has been a senior project.

Nobel Nobility

American Idiots. Thes morons griping about The President recieving the Nobel Peace Prize act like his recieving it has denied them their shot at winning it. He isn't even keeping the prize money so what is with the chest beating and eye bulging. You Pussies weren't nominated!!! Like Cher says, I can put my tits on my back and its no ones business but mine. That Nobel Committee would have caught less crap if they had given one to Kim Jon Krazy Ass North Korean.

To make myself feel better I say I see this because of the area I live in which is East Texas. The south in general not real progressive and in fact large groups in the state want REgression and removal of the state from the union that just "doesn't get them".

It's not just the south though. If Bush would have won a giant award for bogus reasoning and military aggression the stupid stupids would be throwing block parties about how right they all were.

If you cannot notice the undertone of race or overtones of it that you are are incapable of being honest with yourself. INSERT HEAD IN SAND.

In a nation that claims to base itself on principles of Christianity which are love, service and tolerance you get a big Failing Grade.

My dad himself told me he was wrong to dislike Obama because he was black but he didn't care to feel any differently. He is at his church every time the door opens and volunteers for crappy work like mowing the yard in the Texas summer at 73 years old.

I know personally people that have never heard of the award are "up in arms" because it went to him- this black man they don't want as president. And in a remarkable feat of self delusion because they say he isn't their president, they don't recognize that he IS the president of the United States. If you admit what you won't see then your not dirty.

I never go political, but by masses of people saying he doesn't deserve this award, I see them saying because I don't fit the U.S. Standard of being important enough to matter, they are saying I don't deserve rights here either.

What affects one of us, affects all of us.

Clinton is now stepping down from his Ivory Soap Box.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I'm going to be very frank with you all......

Stupid people make life difficult for everyone on the planet. Spam would eventually cease if their weren't people still ordering wrinkle eraser, car warranties, fake pain pills and the like. The auto generated phone calls would dry up like a spring pond in the august heat of Texas.

Some one is still playing the idiot that believes herbs can make your penis hard for 32 hours or a cream can lengthen the length and widen your "manhood".

Infomercials would disappear from the best time of the night for insomniacs desperate for anything to watch other than "Sham WOW, that triangle shaped sandwich maker and that dead eyed lady and her "film" for people with anxiety and depression.

I absolutely know for sure it isn't anyone I know personally. When my mother bought the blanket with sleeves for lounging and reading she had know idea it was on tv, just at Tuesday Morning. Ok, my stepmother has the sandwich cooker with the triangles but she got it as a gift. She got it, loved it so much she ordered her girls one. The Mexican pharmaceuticals I am swamped with emails from would go the way of the dinosaur if everyone would just buy their black market Vicodin from Guam. They never send emails.

The pedi-paw and the pet-egg should be banished, though........ after a weekend of hard partying I accidentally ordered two of each. So, I was drunk that doesn't count but gee, my feet and my dogs paws have really never looked lovelier.

Well, it's all their in black and white. The sad truth is I am the idiot that keeps spam and infomercials alive. I'm weak, bored, and yes stupid.

As my mother used to say, "Do as I say not as I do",, so you sons of bitches stop ordering all that shit from TV and internet ads, even it if the one for the Acai Berry with a photo of Oprah next to it, which by the way doesn't do shit and she is suing because of the implication the picture of her and doc OZ has.

Oh, hell. Hope is so hard to come by if you can make me believe you have some in a bottle, a pan stick or a skelopedial pillow filled with Brazilian dung beetles that heal arthritis, just sent an email to the address above or buy some time on the Tyler, Texas ABC affiliate. Best hours for me between 2am and 9pm.

I would like to add....

I said I believed that some people came to earth with a huge amount of pain, I also believe those people are much less capable of finding healthy buffers for themselves, their pain and the world. Some bodies won't absorb iron and that is anemia. Some humans can't get rid of their deep soul pain.

I always have had a hard time feeling loved. On paper I can draw you a diagram of it but I don't feel it often. I understand it but I can't absorb it that well. I am a lucky one as far as the pain filled goes because it hasn't completely devastated by despair as other's I know and have known.

I can however, feel gratitude and I am grateful.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Your Life can only change once.

You life will only change when you die. Not when you fall in love or win the lottery. At best those things will alter aspects of your life but NOTHING WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE ONLY YOUR PERCEPTIONS ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

When my perspective was changed I viewed the things that fill up my life differently. In the past when my perspective wavered I hadn't had enough practice in waiting it out, I would think it was always going to be this way. Unmanageable parts of my life constituted my whole exisitence. I know better now.

What you do for work is not your life, who you love is not your life, even your kids are not your life-they leave with lives of their own.

The only way to get to a new perspective if you don't have some spiritual intervention is to expose yourself to really good ideas, as many and as often as you can.

My life hasn't changed much in five years, but I don't want to die anymore simply to stop the pain of living all because I work hard and am willing to see it all differently. The way I see it.

When I saw that more than twenty people had checked out this blog I really just felt in the mood to share the "meat and potatoes" of it.

I know that someone sometime will stumble across this if they are suppose to and I want you to know a few things that have tripped me up my whole life. Don't love anything that can't love you back, Spotting the train before it hits you doesn't make it hurt less or less dead. Worry is useless. No one is having a life exactly like yours. Perfect looking people kill themselves ever day, so ugly isn't a free pass to misery. Religion solves nothing. People aren't perfect. Damaged people damage other people and they never should have cancelled Knot's Landing.

You can pay several thousand dollars to experience what it is like to be weightless. How much would a dog pay to experience of having hands and fingers. It is a horrible shame to be here and not remember to experience it all.

My goal for this year was to live bigger, to be a bigger human and I have. Ebbish/flowish. I've made new friends, showed up in my life and said yes when things felt right if new things were presented to me.

I'll be 42 in two weeks and I have learned how to maneuver in heavy traffic and live to tell the tell.

I haven't driven over a bridge and wondered if it was big enough to die in in years. That is freedom.

This post was approved by Clinton gandy

You won't find what your looking for here.

I clicked on a link this morning and the error message said "You won't find what your looking for here"

I didn't.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

i am so excited, I feel like a kid waiting for christmas

My ticket came in the mail today. I need to buy a bag of good socks and a pair of jeans. I'm trying to take the minimum. There are people who have to have a lot of things in order to be happy and I find the less stuff I have the happier I am. I even prefer to live in very small spaces. I had a 300sf apt once that I loved so much because it was like a little cave.

I think I am on top of everything leading up to North Carolina.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I bought my ticket

It's really happening. I have lined up a job a think. A pretty good one. I feel like a Volvo has been lifted off my shoulders.

Monday, September 28, 2009

glad to be me, glad to be at a high level than a few years ago.

I felt something shift inside while driving today. My trip to NC suddenly went from something I was planning to do , to something I felt certain I was doing.  I was later reminded that this mysterious universe has a way of making things happen for you when you do your part in the equation.  I don't have one specific thing I am compelled to want or to do in my future. I just know that I am a survivor. I am clever as the day is long and I have unique things to bring to the table that no one else can bring. I have told friends that I felt like a bear with a foot in a steel claw trap with regards to trying to grow and move on when those I love aren't interested in those things.  Turns out, I'm the only one with the key to the trap and its up to me to free myself.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sorting it out for yourself.

I go to a game room and it's a small place. All the players know each other. Lots of very different personalities. This one lady has caused a lot of trouble with starting untrue rumors and other antisocial stunts. I heard to ladies next to me talking about her and I was compelled to carefully inject my opinion into their talk. I told them that I agree the girl has been a nightmare, but when assessing her right to be on the planet I told them that I know when I am in fear I often do or say things I wish I could undo. The instigator lady has no kidney function and does the treatment 3 times a week.

One of them got my point, the other continued on with outrage and shock at the young woman.

The fact that I can recognize that there are underlying reasons why we do what we do makes me feel like I am getting somewhere in the whole being human thing. It also makes me handle myself more kindly when I do things to masc the trouble inside.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

What did I do to get this lucky? lol

I don't know what website sold me out but in the last 2 days I have won at least 30 million dollars I didn't even buy a ticket or a chance to win. lol I have never gotten much spam since I divorced Aol years ago but I have had an influx of very clever emails informing me that, well, I am so rich I could pay someone to type this out now.

I feel very fit emotionally today. I don't really understand how nothing has to change in order to for something to click and feel better but sometimes it just does. I even got a few things up on Ebay this morning to earn some extra money for my quest next month.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Words that I cringe at

First of all, the word "organic" is driving me crazy. I have friends that mention they only buy "organic" and I just want to laugh in their face. It is a bigger fad than pet rocks and in five or ten years it will be just as big a joke, BUT, if they need organic to feel like they have some control over pesticides in their life I guess I'm glad its work.

The other word I am in dislike with is "TRUTH". Even if it is for real for them, I don't know how actors talk about acting and looking for "THE TRUTH", without doubling over in embarrassment. I just got an email for a lady who is sort of a spiritualist. I visited her page a couple of times and her message for the month was all about "Truths" to her. When that word is used it just sounds like people are trying to make what they say have sound more important to others.

I absolutely know, in terms of recognizing something that is real or works for me, when I hear or see it. My perspective and understanding varies on where I am in life and frankly where I am at that day.

I'm not really sure why I was compelled to mention this. I just know, I won't use the word organic because I'm sick to death of it. If I use the word "Truth", I'll just have to make sure there isn't a word in the out there that could substitue for it. What I have seen of "The Truth" from others is often frightening. People seem to get opinion and truth confused.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Getting out of the hotseat

I've always done best when I know longer have a choice about something. Sometimes it is situational and some time pain forces me to do things. A couple of months ago I realized that I felt like October 31 was going to be the day I shot for with regards to where I live. After the meltdown this weekend I finally made up my mind that yes, that date is indeed the "make a change" day.

You know that old saying "Leap of Faith", well I haven't leaped I have been pushed.

Living with frustration is abusurd. I really can't believe I have been in this loop for so long. I have such an overwhelming fear of not being perfect that I get paralyzed pretty easily.

I also can't believe I would rather seriously live under a bridge than stay with anyone who tries to micro manage me. I can't bear to explain myself any more. As miserable as all this has felt it is such a great to outgrow your shell. I have never heard if it is painful for crabs and snails when they leave the old shell while the new one grows but I am molting as I type.

At this point, 4 weeks from my 42nd birthday, I really feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain-like a real life.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Sometimes I wonder what is fixable and what isn't

On a long drive home tonight I was thinking about how there isn't much if anything I am attached to. I don't have one single thing that if taken away would bother me for long. Years ago I figured out that in order to value anything you have to first have self value.

I also don't think I've ever had anything possession wise that I felt I couldn't or would rather not do without. At one time my tv would have been one thing but I'm not attached to any programs like I used to be.

I'm sure once I thought it was a way of not getting hurt or not being vulnerable. A friend of mine was mortified a few years ago when my dog just "up and died" and I didn't grieve the way he thought I should. I've lost a lot of crap, pawned a lot of crap I never went back for and had many acquaintances that left over night and never missed them for more than a fleeting moment.

I just wonder if people who hoard know something I don't?

I want the full human experience and I wonder am I missing something and if so is it fixable.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Thank god it's almost friday.

What a rough week. The reason I have felt like the greek myth man who pushed the stone up the hill everyday only to have it roll back down is I just haven't been centered emotionally and spiritually.

Frankly everyone and everything has annoyed me this week and that just isn't like me. I'm the mellow go with the flow guy. It isn't easy to maintain that even keel when everywhere I look people are such giant idiots and asses.

I guess I'll sound whacky when I say this but it looks like the country is just about as stressed out as it can be. Something has to give. Politics are killing us, just so much poison being spread and so many fearful people to accept it and pass it on.

Intolerance and hate are eating our internal organs. I live in Texas and it is worse here than most of the other states.

But I can't fix that. I just have to concentrate on being OK and feeling safe in the world regardless of the mood of the worlds population.

Another thing that has thrown me this week in the headaches from my messed up neck. If you have a headache long enough everything will piss you off too. lol

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I don't think I will be climbing the clock tower with an assault rife anytime soon so perhaps I will find some peace again.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Shaking it off.

I haven't been doing very well shaking off frustrations of daily life. I took medicare transport yesterday to have an injection in my neck because I wasn't suppose to drive afterward. I finished at 2:30 and was in that transportation van until 6pm. I was climbing the walls. The hold up was we had to wait on 2 kids who were in a clinic with their mother. I was trying to meditate, think calming thoughts but I wanted to scream.

Then when they emerged my heart broke for the overwhelmed young black girl that had them. She had the look of "broken" on her face and I felt terrible about being anxious to go home. When she got in she explained that even though she had a 2:30 appointment they weren't prioritized as important. They had squeezed in sick kids ahead of her. The kids hadn't eaten and they were beautiful little boys under 8.

I felt like a real schmuck. Did I mention she and the boys live in a shelter? Yes, I got over myself.

Today though I am so irked at the idiots in this country. So what, Obama called Kanya a jackass. Bush and Cheney both said worse things when they thought their mic was off. These teaparty people are nuts. I applaud that some people want a change and formed this group, but many of them are racist nuts who are using this Teaparty thing as a cover up. Did you read any of the signs they held on there march. They were racist and even worse, they were clever or spelled right.

I know for a face here in East Texas there are members of the moment who are hoping it will help Texas remove itself from the U.S. and be an independant country. Those freaks scare me because they border on white supremacy. I called a local ad about firewood once and this guy had a 4 minute outgoing message for "The Republic of Texas". I didn't by the wood.

I mentioned before that I really do understand the pendulum affect of life. In order to become the best we have to become the worst. A wound is neccessary to have a healing.

I just have took to much in the last couple of weeks and it has caught up with me. I need a clense or a purge and this entry was my first step.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

oh Yeah, Human!

Sometimes, the funniest things remind me that I am human. A friend of mine has a small business and she has been putting out food for several weeks for the long haired silver cat she calls Farrah. She showed up the week Farrah Fawcett died. We had a very rainy day all day yesterday and right before my friend left her shop Farrah showed up with a baby in her mouth. The weather was dreadful so my friend made a bed in a box and the cat dropped her baby off there. She disappeared and showed up with another baby and then another.

The kittens were very well taken care of and their eyes were bright and inquisitive. I looked one of them in the face today and looked into its giant eyes and felt that rush of compassion that reminds me what life is all about and at the same time scares me because it means I am vulnerable. When I started to leave today the Farrah was laying in the box feeding her 3 babies. It never fails when I am a little disconnected that if I look to nature I find my heart again. She is such a good mommy and she does it by just following her instincts. Obviously where ever she had hidden those babies thus far suddenly became to dangerous for her to leave her babies there.

The whole experience made me want to rush home and hold me dog. lol

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

sitting down, getting still

As much as I try to watch out for the things outside my control I get exposed to, sometimes things get in. I am picking up a lot of frustration from tv and people I am in contact with. Last night the mere sound of a couple of peoples voices and a particularly bright overhead light irked me. That isn't who I am. I am much more mellow than that. So today I focus on getting centered and finding my level of peace and comfort. Dogs bark, period.

I want to leave Texas. Specifically I am going to Alaska to see the Northern Lights, the mountains, the snow and the water. I just can't figure out how to get there from here.

I've been stalled out for a good portion of my life because I just don't know how to get from , idea to initiated idea. In other words I don't know how to "START". lol

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I got online tonight and there was a facebook invite from a girl I grew up with. I looked at the photo and though it had been 20 plus years since I had seen her, I knew her instantly. I was struck by the big brown eyes of her photo. The had such depth in them I never noticed it when I went to school with her. The chat box popped up and it was her. I wanted to know if she was happy. Then I told her I was sorry I hadn't been nicer to her and that I wish I had been nicer to a lot of people. She said I was always nice and that she remembered how very funny I was. It was great to catch up to her.

I do wish I had been nicer to some people. I wish I would have asked them how they were doing and really listened when they answered. I didn't realize that they were needing the same thing I needed, for someone to be on their side, to really see them and to listen when they speak. Also it would have been great to know sometimes you need to read between the lines.

My body is so warm and fuzzy right now. To meet someone with honest in the moment is an unearthly experience to me. I feel like I am vibrating with love. Love for myself and for others who have spent time in the dark.

Monday, August 31, 2009


I watched the 2 hour docu on Woodstock Sat. night and I can't stop thinking about it. I never really understood what the big deal was and I hate that kind of music and never had interest in LSD, but for the first time I really get what a big deal that was and what a time in history that was. I really hate I was only 2 and didn't drive yet. lol 1968 was so aweful by '69 the country was having their boys slaughtered in a useless war, the death of the civil rights leader Dr. King and Bobby Kennedy and 300,000 young people gathered in a field for three days and just lived the moment. The Pig Farmers and others providing food for thousands of strangers, the guy who owned the land(the most unhippy regular middle aged man) fighting for the kids rights to have the festival was so inspiring to me.

I guess more than anything I have always wanted to just be drowned in acceptance. I saw that in the History Channel Program. Those people were touched by the magic of what the universe has to offer when people don't fuck it up with their own ideas.

Interviews with people that were there ran the gammit of those still a bit hippy to professors and community leaders. They all spoke of the event like it was a still unearthly to them.

I want that! I would prefer to find it without all the mud and brown rice but I would jump right in.

Seriously, can you believe I have managed not to become a cult member growing onions in Idaho by now. I can see how it could happen, luckily I am just jaded enough to pass those offers by.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

If I didn't believe..................

If nature hadn't taught me that everything has a cycle to run I would be frightened right now. Fearful people are snatching up all the guns and bullets they can because they don't think they will be able to get more. Greed in the business sector has derailed the economy and people who spread nothing but illness are given carte blanche on cable channels to scare the hell out of already terrified people.

BUT, the rain always breaks the drought and life is just set up on a binge and purge cycle. Purging what doesn't strength us and retaining that which makes us stronger. Even the forest fires we see are a part of nature doing its thing by burning off the old so new growth can begin.

If you want something new in your life you have to make room for it by purging the baggage that doesn't serve you anymore. We get so attached to crap, MY crap that we forget that life is flow and baggage is blockage.

I've heard from several great people from my past lately and I say great because they are the rare people I have ran into that just want the best for me. It's hard to find friends without motives. Some want you to do well just not better than them. I think if you have one person in your life that loves you without condition then you have experience the best life has to offer. I have been disappointed for some of my friends but never disappointed in them.

So if I didn't believe their was a cycle to life, to the planet and to being, it would be miserable, if I didn't believe.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Letting it go

Post coming this weekend.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Good day to be a Surface dweller.

Around midnight last night I looked at the clock and figured I had at least four hours before sleep might creep in. I went out to the garage to get a 2liter Diet Coke and I had the thought, why not try to experience the next for hours like it was the last four hours before I left on a space ship, or a long trip.

I felt the pressing Texas night heat on my face and I heard the chirp of the bucks. I noticed the way that the trees and cars were slightly illuminated and I heard dogs barking from every direction in the distance.

I made extra effort to experience the smell, the feel and touch of everything as if it were my first and last time to encounter them.

I've had some great stuff unfolding for me emotionally and spiritually but I haven't deciphered what information is just for me and what might do some good for someone else.

I do want to say that the growing rumble of a Tsunami of Fear in the country doesn't look good. I see a lot of people trying to use it for their own nefarious agendas. "I AM NOT SAFE' is one of the oldest memes or programs I have. I never had anyone purposely use it against me that I know of.

When the market crashed in the 1920's men jumped out of the high rises rather than see what was just being their terror of being broke and shamed. Then on the opposite in of the spectrum when the concentration camps were liberated they found small poems and butterflies caved in some of the walls.

Do I jump or do I try to create or find some beauty in whatever my situation is, bleak or fancy.

Life doesn't change. My perspective may make it appear it does, but life doesn't change.

The earth, the host, the original living thing has been kind that is as put up with our (human) stuff as long as it has. If you have never noticed WE, HUMAN"S of the planet are parasites. The parasites won't stop until it kills its host with it never ending desire to consume.

I planted some Zinnia's a few years ago and the seed was about the size of a piece of paper confetti. It grew, it bloomed, it died. I ran it cycle. It left seeds behind. It fullfilled it's purpose in the scheme of things. It didn't get sidetracked about what color it was or distracted by it's size or shape. It just did what the universe programed it to do and it was spectacular.

Everything I do in my life, makes it harder for me to successfully run my cycle productively. Half my life is over, or more. Physically, my body is way past its peak. But for the next minute, month or decade, I really want to clear the crap away and I want to grow, bloom and die. I want to leave some of my best seeds of creation behind and I want to have been spectacular.

In my darkest times, I hope I have to peace of mind to scratch my own butterfly on a wall and attempt to scratch a hopeful thought.

Don't let the fear rob you of you life.


Monday, August 17, 2009

Thank god for dogs and doctors.

Something I've known about for a long time and have tried to work on is it isn't easy for me to feel loved. It is super hard for me to receive. I saw that very clearly today in my mother. No matter how clever the tactic to sneak in under her radar and get her to feel loved or appreciated it runs into a block someone. It makes my chest heavy that she is just as unreachable to me as I am by her.

I hope before I leave the planet I can feel love. I know it's possible because when my dog jumps up into my lap he no reservations that his affection might not be accepted and he is completely at ease walking on top of my chest and trying to smell my mouth to see what I have eaten lately..

As kids we are much more open to that or most are. I wasn't I was already guarded by age 3. I like myself sooo much better than I used to. That is step one in feeling love from others. I'm headed in the right direction I just had to stop and gather thoughts. Thank god for dogs and doctors.

Wow, am I in synch or what.

The very article I blogged about yesterday on O magazine was sent to me in an email today from

Personal power, finding out you indeed have unlimited untapped amounts of strength and guts is the most awesome discovery I have ever made. Well, that and what an orgasm is. lol

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Stronger than I thought for sure

I saw an article title on the New Oprah Magazine at the checkout and it said "You are stronger than you think". As I was checking out was like yeah, I know I am. With the help of paid professionals I went through my life and figured out I am definately a survivor. I was raised up with the belief that some huge catastrophe, somethin hideous and gigantic was coming and when it happened complete devastion and then I would be eliminated. Sort of a horrific Kodak moment.

If it were true that humans folded into a useless blobs when the "worst thing imaginageable" happens, we would have to turn a land space the size of Europe to drop the idiots off to let the finish withering away. Kind of like Australia was in it's beginning when England sent their troublesome people there.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Check in

I watched some people on TV last week crushed because they had lost they place in the class system in the U.S. I thought it was ridiculous. It hadn't crossed my mind since grade school as to what class I was. Poor people don't worry about those things. For me it is way more important to have a clear sense of myself as myself then try to filter it through the financial group I belong to. I'm not a big "thing" person. as long as my very basics are met I'm good to go. I am very very thankful for my lack of desire for things and toys. Of all the things that try to get me down "What class am I" isn't one of them.

I am just happy to be an invited guest at the party.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I would like to add this to the previous post regarding fear

I don't have kids, and I would never pretend to understand the level and depth on fear and concern where your kids envolved. But I do think when you feed your fears, they get bigger and they draw in what your most frightened of.

I loved the story of the man in ancient times, in the market place where he was told that death was coming for him this day. He took off running and ran from town all day till he collapsed on a mountain top. Just as he raised up from collapsing the realized death was standing in front of him on this mountain miles from the old mans home.

"how", how did you find me here".

Death said ," Well when I was told where I was going to have to meet you and take you I wondered how you would ever find your way here."

So many times we run toward what we are most afraid of thinking we are running from it.

That is priceless.

Breathing Possibility.

I had a brief encounter via email with an old friend who I think is pretty fantastic. She had sent me some of those forwarded emails from some fearful people and I wrote back they weren't really my thing because I don't live in fear and I don't generate it like I used to. I also shared that saying about whatever you focus on expands. I am so glad that I have that down for the moment. Because thought is energy when you obsess on a thought or a fear, your feeding it real live measurable energy.

I also got to tell her that I didn't worry about Medicare/Medicaid going away because I am a survivor and I'll get me needs met when and if the time comes for me to have to do that. It's fun in a way because since I am not there yet, neither are the tools to help me. We sort of get there at the same time.

I bought a really small Tolle book today at a discount store. I hope to read it this week like I would take a round of antibiotics to get rid of any diseased thought bacteria I am not aware of in this moment.

I was cracking up on a song Bette sings in Bathhouse Bettie called "I'm beautiful" which she repeats and repeats and ends with DAMMIT. I'm beautiful dammit. I am.

In the world of hunting for partners/lovers or just sex, you get the feeling that the world is filled with nothing but supermodels looking for supermodels. At the store when it was so jam packed at the registers, I mentioned how sad and tired people looked.

They also looked terribly normal and not a supermodel in the bunch. Same thing at Walmart today. It was so freaking fantastic to stand will or mill about and know that comfort comes in size Average.

I read the craigslist and another dating sight and I almost started to believe that because I couldn't win an amateur tighty whitey contest that finding a partner for anything was not going to happen. The thing I came away with today is, god bless those singles who are looking only for low BMI's and killer abs/guns. There aren't enough of those to go around. lol

I never thought I would be ok with my looks and my body but I am pretty damn close. I'm Beautiful dammit.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Touching base with like minded people really inspires me.

I've gotten to have a chat with a friend who never fails to inspire be to really dig in and and use the information I've gathered to have a better moment. I feel the possibilities today. I have been extremely creative over the last two days and that always makes me feel good to know that I am generating that energy that flows from me to the planet. I'm very clear on that today and I am making plans to be more creative. I have met one or two new people that I am extremely interested in seeing if we have the stuff to build a real friendship.

The term "hope" has never really rang my bell. It seemed like pinning yourself to a Disney version of a fairy, like Tinkerbell. Possibility is way more than hope because I can see how something could actually come together. Being mentally and spirituality ready to pounce when possibility presents itself if such a better way of living for me. One big thing for me is to remember when I get to the point I can see things aren't going to work out the way I saw them in my mind, to cut my loses and move on with without visiting the Wailing Wall.

Life seems to me at the moment a string of experiences that the goal in each one is to find peace with them and be ready to move on to the next one. The universal flow of live is constant, things are always moving, constant entrances and exits. It isn't pleasant when I start trying to direct the flow because I lack the power. I am 42, I expect to have 25 or 30 years on the planet more. I think in order to truly honor the fact that I am here, alive, I need to focus on what experiences I want to have in my time left. This life well, its very personal. I think of people in my east Texas living area who have never seen the ocean. We live 6 or 7 hours from the beach at Galveston and yet they have never bothered to take a drive. I don't want to be a person who chooses not to experience something that is easily attainable simply because I didn't put forth the effort.

I learned growing up that I had no personal power or choice and I was submissive in all choices that affected me. Making a decision based solely on what I feel moved to do is so foreign but I am doing it daily. When my exit comes I don't won't the regret of I didn't do it the way I wanted to.

I made the online purchase of Virus of The Mind dealing with Memes and how they wreck our lives. So look for info from the book popping up here if any of it rings true to my life.

Monday, August 3, 2009

How I got this way

I was doing some laundry earlier today and it triggered one of those full body flashbacks that if termed a memory, is sadly understated. I was folding a towel and I was 6 years old again. Hoping to surprise my mother I folded the basket full of towels. Instead of the response I was hoping for she said I folded them wrong. I was really disappointed. The same thing happened when I tried to do dishes. Instead of acknowledging what I had tried to do for her, she washed them again herself. Without saying the words "your not capable", i was imprinted with my house keeping and activities of daily living were not good enough. I was sub-par and flawed. I never do dishes at her house because she will wash them again anyway.

Her eye goes to the flaw, the fly in the ointment automatically. I responded to that critical eye with sort of giving up. Soon that "I am not good enough" filtered in to most every part of my life. I have only been in real love once, and that was very early in my 20's. I have all these walls built up in my head that want to me believe and stay unlovable because I am so flawed.

It is a meme, or several stacked on top of each other.

Would I be a different person in a different place, probably not. Would it be easier to push past the border if I weren't around the people that prefer me broken and submissive, yes.

I have told several family members I am "this" close to moving in with the street people because I am so frustrated me trying to change and family not. I don't know if they thought I was serious or not but I am. I saw a friend show up to group one night in Dallas with his suitcase. He couldn't take his partner any more and he said, I will live on the street before I spend another night with you.

I understand now.

I haven't had the experience of euphoria in a long time. That "God, I am so happy to be alive in this moment" I've tried to manufacture it if various ways but no avail.

I'm bored, frustrated and needing a jolt of life at the moment. This too shall pass. Meanwhile I'll be eating and acting as if.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Showing up

I saw a quote by the Julie of "Julie and Julia" and she said the Julia child presented her with unknown doors of possibility. What a great thing to say about someone. I forget how much I love possibilities because my head wants to say, "oh, you have seen this before and this is how it will turn out." I don't use the word miracles much because it is so steeped in religious crap but I have noticed that people who experience one, are looking for it.

I've been sort of half living lately and I am stuck in between wanting different and not figuring out the first step to make it happen. I am going to alaska to see the lights and the dark. I don't expect to be anyone else once I get there, I just want to experience those natural phenoms in more than a tourist way.

I walked past a mirror today and my arm and my elbow caught my attemtion. It was was on of those "YOU R HERE", moments because I actually looked at my arm and thought this is your arm. I've often wondered if I was shown a picture of peoples backs would I reckognize mine. If the hair was covered I 'm not so sure I would recognize myself. I want to be more connected and that begins by paying more attention to my being.

I know some people don't have this "significance" to self and they do great. Sometimes I wish I was one of the folks who don't look for the meaning beneath the chaos, then I think, Jesus Christ that person is boring.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

How a civilation treats it's sick and needy defines the Civilation's right to exist on the planet of life

I hope the dumbasses that voted for this dumbass feel the pain they have inflicted on others, either in this life or the existence beyond.

With Line-Item Vetoes, Schwarzenegger Wipes Out CA AIDS Services
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a revised budget in the amount of $85 million after "additional cuts to child welfare programs, health care for the poor and AIDS prevention efforts."
Rex Wockner says the Governator "decimated" AIDS services. He explains:
"Although the cuts curtailed state funding for HIV-related education (an 80% cut), prevention (80% cut), counseling (70% cut), testing (70%), primary medical care (50%), home care (50%) and housing (20%), one cut stood out in particular: the termination of all funding for the Office of AIDS' Therapeutic Monitoring Program. For some 35,000 working- and middle-class Californians whose HIV care is paid for by the state, that program pays for viral-load testing and drug-resistance testing. Viral-load testing is mandatory in HIV care, as it is the only way to determine if a particular HIV drug cocktail is working in a given patient. Drug-resistance testing comes into play when a drug cocktail that had been working stops working in a given patient. The two types of testing together guide a doctor in getting a patient on a new drug cocktail so the patient's viral load again becomes undetectable. Patients whose viral load is undetectable are very unlikely to develop deadly HIV-related opportunistic infections, and they are dramatically less infectious than those whose virus is not suppressed."

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Learning to live again after dying.

From the time I was 15 or 16 until six years ago I was a singer, a country singer. One day I went to rehearsal with a band I was singing with and the rehearsal leader told me I could perform so many slow songs. Truth is I am a balladeer. I only learned 3 or 4 up tempo songs in my 20 year career. They don't have any emotion punch to them. So I left rehearsal and never sang again.

Partly because I was burnt out but mainly because the kind of music I felt like singing did not fit into the available venues. Plus being a gay man in the country western genre was hard. I put on this character that I felt they could get into and tried to be someone I wasn't singing songs I could feel connected too and getting through the God aweful uptempo songs I had to do to play their reindeer games.

A dear friend has politely pressured me to sing again for my friends and families enjoyment. I agreed and next tuesday I will make noise into a microphone for the first time in years. This time I am just going to be me singing songs that move me. I am also going to the recording studio sometime soon and record myself singing the songs I've always been moved to sing. I love old cabaret standards like "Moonlight in Vermont" and "That's all" and I may even do my tribute to some Broadway ballads and show stoppers.

I wish I had the self esteem and enlightment to do it before. But you know, sometimes things just take a while to get ripe.

Simply making the decision to do it made me feel freedom from old ideas, in this one istance I know that what I think about me is more important than what others think about me. I was so many things to so many people I walked around expecting to be called out an imposter at any moment. It is a miserable way not to live a life. I guess I really felt that I was so inherently wrong I need to hide behind a character I thought would be more likeable than my own.

I am very exciting I got to this point and I will let you know how it all turns out.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Figuring this out on with no manual

I just figured out something that everyone else may already no, but it is amazing to me. When a person makes a decision based on their intuition, it suddenly takes results or outcome out of the picture. When a person is ok with their decision, if it doesn't work out ideally there is little to no regret.

I have always been paralyzed when faced with making a decision because I was certain I would be devastated when the remorse or regret came.

This is applicable in every area of my life at the moment. I didn't know it was possible to be this ok with choosing to roll the dice and let what ever happens happen. I feel very empowered by this phenomenon.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

To be or not to be...............

I am at the spot where it is time to commit to change and roll with it or get used to the teeth of the trap around my ankle that keeps me bound here. When your dealing with the compulsion to do it perfect, real progress is hard because it rarely goes smooth and you often end up on your ass. I know that my inability to make a move in live is affecting the only two people I love and that doesn't feel good at all. Change is constant, possible and eminent.

I wish I had volumes to write tonight. I wish I was in the loop where I just "get stuff". I'm not though. It will be back just not tonight. Goodnight.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

lighter side.

There is some magic that happens betweent the moment I pay for something online whether it be Ebay or a phone store. In the 7 to 14 days it takes to get my purchase it stops being a purchase all together and I find myself stalking the road side mailbox through the living room curtains for PRESENTS in the mail. Gifts, presents, loot, call it what you will they aren't items I paid for anymore. Sometimes fabulosity intervenes and more than one thing arrives on the same day at the same delivery time. Frankly, it beats any Christmas I remember from being a kid. Even one of the items is utilitarian and has no fun value, it still releases those feel good hormones when the postman lingers to long and starts the walk to the garage. If I could just get him to have sex and bring me a pizza along with my Chi hair straightener(for my stepmom), random computer item and 240 pair of slightly flawed cottonlike athletic socks made in Pakistan my life would be pretty damn good.

It is both fun and necessary for me to plant seeds of possible happiness/enjoyment. Sending something goofy to a friend in a letter or package makes me happy whether they enjoy it or not. My favorite is when they get a kick out of it and pass it on to someone they know would get a kick out it too.

I have real stuff to get down on the blog but I am going in search of saturday fun.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Damn Reality, its so well,,,,well real.

So I am cruising along thinking I'm all spiritual and near walking on water and levitating and reality gobsmacks me. Whether you made the decision to stuff frustration or do it subconsciously it will, with out a doubt demand attention at some point.

After a mini-meltdown and a major family blow up sparked by me I am left with the questions, how do I strain these experiences and get useful info out of it to live a more balanced life, and how to cut a brake line so it looks like normal wear.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Please Wait, Processing lol

I remember when home computers were new and every so often you would get a prompt pop up saying "Please Wait, Processing". That is what I am doing. I should have something worth sharing with the blogasphere in a couple of days.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Big Ideas Coming in Steadily from The Eastern Front.

I so so happy last month to find out a name for the messages in my head that keep me from fully realizing the moment. Memes to simplify the meaning, are messages that were imprinted on our brains as children that taunt us and cause the meme infected person to replay the coaching prompting messages/memes to spread and sabotage being successful at being present.

I was driving this morning and had one of those little shifts in thought and consciousness when I saw the importantance of not letting fear fill so much space up in both my mind and spirit. For new stuff to be installed you have to let go of the crap that is filling up that space now. An Eastern truth I read is that a bowl is only useful when it is empty and can be filled.

It wasn't talking about one thorough emptying and filling but constantly making room for more life to fill me.

I saw this cactus picture of just a regular prickly cactus covered in fantastical blossoms. It is in the desert and no one tends it and it is existing just as it should because I don't think it thinks or has memes or "tapes" to cause it to question itself about it's ability to push those delicate flowers out of itself. It's atoms just bounce around unobstructed and fullfills the preset function of operation.
This is what can happen if we clean out the memes and other peoples ideas of what our 70 years are suppose to be like here on "The Big Blue"
As soon as I finish here I am going to email a friend and seek like me to thank him for presenting the first alternative that felt right that started to chip away at someone elses idea of spirituality that had been imprinted on me. The book was by Betty J. Eadie and it wasn't so much what it contained word wise, but it gave me my real first taste of "they might be wrong", and that possibility probably saved me from dying from religion.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Another one bites the dust.

I've had a friend for about 13 years who lives not too far from. He is really my only telephone buddy especially late night. A year and a half ago he lost his must beloved mother then later his only sister. In such a short time I have seen him move people in that he wouldn't have spoken to if they were on the street. He is such a snob but his pain and him not knowing what to do with it has cost him everything. One of the hustlers introduced him to the joys of crack cocaine and he has spent thousands and thousands on street trash and crack.

I made him promise if he didn't have food to let me know. He called and I brought him some food and I was shocked and devasted at his appearance. I didn't know a living human could turn that color of dark moss green and he has lost so much weight I seriously would not have recognized him out in the store or somewhere other than his apt. I didn't stay but a moment he had a "guest" in his bedroom and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Yesterday him phone was cut off.

He is the fourth friend, who in the 50's found the time to become a crack addict. All four of them also thought they were "in love" with the 20 something that brought the crack into their world.

I can safely say it will never be me because I don't like any stimulant. I won't even take the daytime cold stuff because i hate the amped up feeling. Now, I totally could see me getting hooked on some heavy downer at that age, but I love to sleep now.

The common thread among my friends is that they were so desperately lonely they lowered their standards to find someone anyone to love them.

The friend that lives close to me is the most tender hearted person I ever met though his acid tounge would lead you to believe differently. We all find ways to cover our vulnerability though.

I don't have any nice little wrap up for this post except for it hurts to love a trainweck and that damaged people damage other people, whether they mean to or not.

Friday, June 19, 2009


When I was little I was fascinated with the maps that Six Flags and Malls displayed behind glass that had big arrows saying "YOU ARE HERE!" In some ways I guess it was comforting to be able to tell where I was fitting in on the broad canvas representing a location that was large enough to get lost in.

In my adulthood, or later adulthood, I still like to have those moments when I realize, "I am here!" I have many different things that can do that for me that I would call my "go to" touchtones. Things that get me out of my head and off the hamster wheel of thought can let me restart an entire day as far as I how I feel. I can interact with my dog and it brings me back to center. It is completely my choice if I let the chatter start back up afterwards. Sometimes it doesn't stick on the first try. I have read that some people will smell their kids heads to bring themselves into reality and let them stop fighting the monsters of fear, guilt or anger in their heads. The catch is you have to be willing to make the switch.

I read a figure this morning that the average human life has 25,000 mornings. That is 25,000 chances to start all over again if we can let yesterday be yesterday and tomorrow be tomorrow.

I really want that! I'm made some progress but there are still things that pop into my head to feel remorse or contempt over. A great piece of powerful advice I was given once is, " Clinton, your are not responsible for the thoughts that pop into your head, but you don't have to pour them a drink and entertain them".

One of the hardest things I have had to learn is to become an observer of what chatter is being broadcast in my head. The second hardest thing for me to learn is how to stop them or jump tracks so I don't give all my energy to them.

A thought has measureable energy. Anything I spend time "thinking" about I am providing the thing real live detectible energy. My doc likes what Oprah said about this phenomenon, "What you focus on expands". So if I focus on fearful things they get bigger, if I focus on anger, it enlarges til it consumes me. I am also pulling into my life things that reflect what I focus on.

The very cool numbers on a human life I found this morning we.

We live an average of 657,000 thousand hours.

We have 25,000 mornings to wake up.

155,000 people die on an average day in the world.

Normally, I don't pay attention to stats or numbers. Maybe if they were sequinned or colored I would care more, but either way you look at the first two sets of numbers, I am half way done.

I really am focusing on what experience I would like to have in my remaining roughly 14,000 hours. The one thing I am deadly sure of is I don't want to spend those hours feeling guilty of stuff that happened so long ago that I am the only one who even remembers it and I don't want to live my life collecting resentment and nursing contempt or anger. I want to live this portion freely and compassionately.

When the day comes to exit to wherever, I just want to know that I have fully researched how great it is to be a human on the blue planet, embracing the spectrum of all the pain and the bliss.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

A note from my friend Angela this afternoon

Will You Dance With Me?
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you? How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living- room carpet... We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit. 'When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.. My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy. Now...goon and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you. Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi? When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over. It's National Friendship Week..Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. To those I have sent this to.. I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do. 'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Test post from my email

Seeing iff I am even close to figure this out.

Committing without Fear.

Back in the 90's I was obsessed with figure skating. I was a fan before the Kerrigan/Harding kerfuffle but it certainly increased my attention afterwards. I was playing softball with a bunch of other gay men my age and we decided we would take ice skating lessons at the Plaza of The America's. We found enough guys from the team to form our own class so it was just the people I knew on the ice with me.

I had never skated before but I had no doubt at all that I would be "sit spinning" and "triple lutzing" in no time. While the others were hanging on to the rails I was skating along and even figured out how to skate backwards. The tedious instruction of the basic principles board me to death. When the teacher told us to take the ice and practice what we just learned, I saw this as my chance to get going real fast and try a big ole jump. I picked up speed, the cold air rushed across my face. I was Michelle Kwan. I was Scott Hamiliton. I pushed off with my legs and landed like a Roadmast Buick flat on my chest. It completely knocked the air out of my lungs and miraculously I managed to keep my chin from being opened wide up by the hard cold ice.

After that on ice catastrophe I was so filled with the fear of pain on the ice I found myself joining my friends practically still holding the side rails. I started to dread the lesson and I quit.

There have been countless things in my life where I have excelled in before I knew to be afraid.

I have lost 100 pounds twice, 70 lbs twice and 40 pounds more times than I could could. It just never occured to me that is was suppose to freak me out with such a large number to lose. It never occured to me that I couldn't do it. Losing for me is way easy compared to keeping it off.

In most sports, racing and even rodeoing, to pause because of a flash of fear can actually be deadly. My mother will start to pull out on the highway and then stop abruptly many times putting her (and ME!) in danger of being hit.

All these things just drive home the point to me of committing and not second guessing myself into the loonie bend. Ordering anything that I had to choose from a menu was torture, fearing it would not be enough, it wouldn't be as good as the other choices or that I would end up wishing I had ordered what someone else ordered.

Today, after 15 or more years of looking inward and fucking up plenty, I'm learning more and more to commit and let go of the results or make peace with the possible consequence. Commit with out fear. I am flinging myself at life on earth and I will deal with results as they happen because anticipating the worst just puts me out of play for another day.

Today I would ice skate again without crazy fear of falling. BUT BUT BUT, I wouldn't try any crazy jumps because it looked so cool on tv. (Unless I relapsed on alcohol or xanax) But that is another entry for another day.

I have one or two folks in my life who aren't going anywhere, that if I give them opportunity they will let me know why something is a bad idea or how I will fail. I love them and that is just the way they are, but what I think trumps what everyone else things. Start looking and you will see people all around that are succeeding at things just because it never crossed their mind they wouldn't. Toddlers just get up and walk one day, some crawl first and some just get up and get on about it. Because they weren't made aware that failure was a viable option. lol

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Seeing Myself

I was on a backroad of sorts. It was a highway but not traveled that often. I passed a run down, rusted out , falling apart home place and there was a puppy about to leave the driveway and get on the highway. Thin would be an uderstatement. He was very clearly a puppy but to old to be counting on mother for food. He was black and filthy. He was the sort of dog that would be given bad odds at the dog shelter because he wasn't "cute".

I felt my heart breaking as I passed. The clear thought when my eyes went back to the road was. "I hope he finds someone to love. I hope he finds someone to love who can feel how good it is to have the unflappable love a dog can offer. Someone to see all the wonder and funny quirks he was born with.

It wasn't my own dog I was seeing on the roadside in my mind. It was myself I saw. It was me, with battle wounds and scars and knowing no stretch of the imagination would I be considered pretty enough to go in the front part of the dog pound.

Sometimes, when I get an extremely strong and moving example of what is capable for us to experience as humans and we don't, it really feels like a punch in the stomach. I have a full body, spirit and mind encounter with humanity about 6 or 7 times a year. They are very profound when they happen. When without trying I can experience the way things are for someone else from their point of view it is really overwhelming. When I see the now/truth without filter it scares me. I've done my best not to let feelings overwhelm me in my life because I thought they made you weak. Feelings give us humanity. I really do like "feeling" like I am part of the human race because for so long I thought I was denied at birth.

Even though I am a dirty, skinny puppy on the side of a backroad in front of a shack, I have had a taste of what is possible and that gives me hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. Sometimes the least likley to leave the pound is the first to get a home. So I stay open, don't make things worse, and look for as many new ideas as possible.

My January goal for 2009 was living bigger. Bigger ideas and bigger possibilities, because trying to stay small and inconspicuous hurt alot and nearly killed me.


Don't Pick At IT, You will get it infected.

I'm thinking of wounds this morning for some reason. I had a surgery on my toe recently and I had to go through a process every night to make sure the wound didn't heal on the surface before the underneath did. The doctor said if the top heals first I could have a devil of a time with the unhealed underneath. At one visit he took what I called the tiny silver crochet hook and completely removed the new growth of skin on the top to get air back to the injury, which hurt like I couldn't believe.

For someone that was raised by a family and a peer group that was "all about the surface appearance" the problem of healing on top and ingoring the festering wound just sounded normal, frankly. I always practiced the belief that you "SAVE your face and your ass will follow". I can report here, THAT school of thought is a monstrous failure for me.

I spent a lot of time treating the symptoms of having a terribly wounded spirit. I'm toying with the connection of my toe surgery instructions to resist the appearance of progress/healing on the surface and continue to treat the source injury.

Real healing comes from the inside out not vice versa. The outside stuff comes the easiest because it requires the least amount of effort. It is most uncomfortable once you find some sort of treatment for the deep part of the wound because you just have to acknowledge it, be with it and let it take the time it needs to take in order for it to become complete again.

More than anything, I would love to move through my life on the planet without effects of a dry socketed wound of spirit leaving me to fully engaged in experiencing the experience of being a human for 70 or so years.

That is what I am thinking about at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday in Texas, in the body of a 41 year old white male, on the third rock from the sun.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Finding Center

I haven't been myself and I have not been centered. I really missed my self centeredness. Glad I'm back. I have been people watching tonight. It was a small social crowd and I just sat back and observed. I have a good aquaintance that was with us tonight. I say this without really condemning her for it, but she has a hard time being happy for other people. So I took that observation and tried it on myself. I am really glad and very happy that for all the backwards stuff I learned growing 41, that disliking the face that good has come to someone I know isn't one of those backwards things.

I had to let a friendship go with someone recently because he just couldn't be happy for people getting things, even things they earned. I believe there is plenty in the universe, and that's what i see and look for.

A huge red flag for me to check myself is when I can't be peaceful about someone else good fortune. When you start to lose weight some people go by the wayside because they can't bear the fact that you have done something great for yourself because they a haven't themselves.

I rewatched the E! True Story of Lottery Winners last week and all those people lost family and friends and spouses because their friends couldn't be happy for them with getting a piece of it themselves.

Like I said, no condemnation just oberservation. I am holding that mirror up to myself for sure.

I have the impulse where food is concerned that there is not going to be enough for me. So I buy platters that could feed an army just to make sure.

I've never been denied food and the fact I feel this way doesn't make me all that happy. I'm aware of it, which is key. I'm working on it.

The other acquaintence is in so much emotional pain that me the hypersensitive empathic codependant would really like to ask her about it. She is such a lovely person but she is clearly tormented. She engages with me and is so so likeable. I will just continue to send her good thoughts and stay open with regards to letting some of it go.

I was in love once in my life. It ended badly and I had no one to speak about it with because I didn't know anything about opening up. It took me 15 years to get over that break up because I didn't have a soul I could talk it through about without feeling like a bother.

I still have a hard time talking about the inside details but I have some direction with what to do with it now. I have not a problem listening to others go on and on, beating the dead horse of hurt but I'm not there yet taking my turn.

That's why the net is so great. You can practice with strangers.

I really like who I am. I have more cool components that pain in the ass ones. God, if you knew what progress that was you would rethink world peace and might believe it could really happen sooner than later.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

This is a great email from an old college friend from 1986

Reposting email from my friend Angela.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, but not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggyeyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother/father!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and lesscritical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon ? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken... How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become .. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be... And I shall eat dessert every single day. ( If I feel like it). MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRA IGHT FROM THE HEART! MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Putting it all together.

I recently was talking with a friend of mine who was looking for a drastic change. I told him my experience was when I got sick enough of myself i started exposing myself to as many new ideas as possible. Some ideas stuck and some were great for other people, just not me. Then I figured out to apply those things to my life and not just approach them as nice theories.

Being reprogrammed is such a long tedious experience.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Are you there god? It's me again Margret.

I've been back on Weight Watchers a while now. In my 25 year dieting history I haven't been so good to my body when I focus on removing weight. Frankly I was always very successful at the long term starvation ones. I slept late late late today had some lunch to get the calorie burning in high gear and then have been out and busy since lunch. I got home just moments ago and realized I had eaten since lunch. First instinct was to go to bed and really conserve those cals for today. Then the directive thought that has really changed my being over the last few years spoke up. I really do like my self and this body enough to prepare a meal and eat it. Not because I want it, but because a human body needs food for fuel. Isn't that a trip. When you have no self esteem you don't think thoughts like that. It's still new enough for me to log on and write it down. Look ma! No hands!

I spent some time with a very diverse group and a friend who is very hooked up with small town histories would share about about the other people while I sat next to her. There were two people that I have really come to like and I am aware that both of them have been through alot in their lives.

One lost a child fairly recently and I started to think, "Oh, I can't imagine what that it like". Then I remembered something I had said in a meeting years ago that "Pain is Pain and it Demands Respect". I'm not sure why I thought of that when I said it because on a scale of depth from 1 to 10 I was at most a 4. Because pain, emotional and physical have introduced themselves personally to me, all I have to do is see it on someone else and I have a connection that you can't fake your way into.

I think one day I will just demand that all future friends must have had immense internal emotional pain or the physical kind can also do. For those that live it and live through it, it just adds so much sparkle to how interesting I think someone is.

Now, given a redo I might be a small enough human to say "skip it" if I was magically given the choice. People who have lived a life are so much more interesting than the prom queen who got everything.

There is definately a place for all of us. If you want to sit next to me though a darkside expressed through humor is divine.

When I started listening to my inner voice, even on the smallest of things (Like which way to go to the dollar store, I got the most suprising pay off. I began to think of myself as a whole human being. It became a lot easier, a LOT easier to make decisions because I had listened to myself. The outcome became secondary to being a fully realized human being.

This is the stuff I have waited my whole like to "Get".

I am really thankful to be single, never married and no kids. I don't see how anyone can research life and keep up with all those responsibilities.

I read an article that computers and video games were stunting kids ability to learn compassion and empathy.

That was scary to me because compassion has always been my SUPERPOWER and when I couldn't muster up any caring for myself, I could always, always feel for another and try my best to make their way better. Even if it was just for a moment.


It's really hard for me to go back and proof read anything I have written because I then start deleting sentence that make me feel exposed. So hope you can decipher this, my brain goes so fast sometimes that my hands just cannot keep up.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

You Can't Tap Dance on Carpet

I took my dog to the groomer this morning. He always comes back soft and so fluffy. There is only one thing I don't enjoy about my groomer. I'm not sure if it is perfume or shampoo but it smells like those scented toilet paper rolls they used to make.

But, he didn't smell that way this time. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt she didn't realize how well she soak him in the the spray bottle. He jumped in the car, I shut the door and by the time I was inside I was completely overwhelmed with 1986 memories. That lady drench my dog in Polo, green bottle, Ralph Lauren. Does anyone remember how a little of that goes a longggg way. I had all four windows down in two blinks of Koko's eyes.

I'm writing it down, tell the groomer to perfume next time.

The scent of the cologne caused some feel good hormones to kick of in my system.

That phenomenon of sense causing a biological reaction in me is the same reason there are certain favorite foods are hard for me to eat a normal portion of or at all. One of the first things I ever made for myself was Kraft Mac/cheese. It was tasty, warm, comforting and there was a whole box of it to work on until those hormones kicked on and made me feel better. I will never understand how 4 whole servings are supposet to come from that little box. I just always made to incase someone else wanted some.

For me, the simple act of taking in noursishment has never been the same thing that people without food or weight issues deal with.

Right before I left my apartment in Dallas I was in a really dreadful place. I found a friend i had actually been through treatment with to go to my favorite Mexican joint. I of course ordered the monster platter for myself. I was talking with my friend Lori, stressing and the sat the little side plate with the cold stuff and a taco and then a hubcab sized plate that was just about one of the most spectacular sights i will ever see with the browns and golds and yellow heaped up.

All the sudden it was like someone had inject liquid valium into my veins , without even touching the food with a fork I was completely calmed, eased and peaced out.

I saw, for the very first time, clearly that food did for me what I couldn't. It made me feel safe. It made me feel centered and alive. Right before I started eating I had the moment of clarity some of my friends have had with other forms of self medicating. As the first queso covered bite of slid down my throat I heard that voice in my head say, "Clinton, you are screwed!

That was ten years ago. Food still does that for me. I can pick up the phone and fine someone to go get a bite with in 20 minutes, I could call for twenty days and would find no one to go drink with me. lol

First things first I've learned. Let's stop the behavior that is going to kill you, mame you or have you locked up. Done.

I'm left with this food thing now. I'm 41 and for 31 years this has been an issue. I ate before I ever drank, drugged or sexed my way to a faux peace.

Overeating for me is like one of the diseases that has to be managed daily like diabetes.

You know you have a bear on your ass but still when you look over your shoulder your reminded, DAMN! I've got a bear on my ass.