Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I've got leavin' on my mind

I haven't spent any time out of Texas in almost five years. I leave in the morning and am excited to be striking out on my own. I have know idea what I will do with that ridiculously long lay over in Atlanta.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Leaving Wednesday for a while

It is such an odd feeling to be going somewhere with no plans or expections. I keep telling people I just have to get there and start from there. I don't have any set notions of how this trip is suppose to turn out I am just going with the flow and trusting.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My favorite Time of the night

The house has settle to the just the hum of the air purifier, my sleep meds are dissolving in my stomach and I am looking forward to sleep. Sleep has been so hard for me all my life when I get in a loop of sleeping well for a few hours I feel like i won the lottery.

Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday. I can't believe I've had that many of them. Unlike a lot of years, I've made real progress in being a human being this last year. I haven't spent 365 days afraid.

I leave next weds. at 10am for North Carolina. It's so odd to have the freedom to try another town or state if that one doesn't suit me. I'm loving the sense of understanding my freedom. All that freedom hinges on me understanding that I will be OK no matter what. When you know you are a survivor it really does cut out a lot of self created fear.

I still have so much stuff to get together before my trip. I am going to have to take my list and systematically start getting it cut down. Haircut, is near top of the list.

Once I was in the "Hospital" or "exhaustion" clinic if I were a celebrity, the bed was so uncomfortable all I could think for two weeks a cushiony bed and a real pillow. The pillow they gave me was a card board box sealed in plastic, thick tarp material. It crinkled so loudly when you moved it would wake you up.

Almost every night since then, I really do have a wave of gratitude was over me when I lay down at night and I arrange my three pillows for my big head. lol

Sunday, October 18, 2009

singing clip, first time I sang in over 6 years

I wasn't as good as when I left off, but i was pleasantly surprised at myself. The biggest thing was that I felt like singing again.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

It's great to change your mind at 42

Sometimes it seems that i came from the most inflexible family in the whole world. I never had a person around me that made thoughtful reflective decisions. I really really never had family or many friends around that would change their decision after it was made.

Over the last year especially I have changed my mind about a lot of things. Some very trivial things like deciding I do like Leanne Rymes after all, to changing my mind and re accessing what is possible in my life, I, can change my mind.

There is a lot of freedom in changing your mind about something. Life flows, it has movement and direction, therefore keeping an open mind to even things I have put a judgment on is vital to keep the flow going forward.

Three of the people I changed my mind about this year I found useless and denied their right to exist. Then, I got enough back story and some them in a human light and suddenly tapped into my compassion for them. They went from a flat image to a fully formed humans all because I saw them in a different light, a light filtered through my experiences, successes and failures while being human. To deny their value was suddenly denying my own. I have a level of respect for them now that is on par with the level of compassion and respect that all humans deserve.

By giving them a break, I gave myself a break too. When I forgive you for screwing up it is easy to forgive myself for screwing up, and vice versa.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Thinking in Moderation

One of the things that started my turn around was a read a paragraph in a book called "Undoing Depression" that stated people with depression have a real problem with thinking too much. An excessive amount of thoughts in depressed people make everything seem more impossible.

I was so relieved when I read this. It was like a giant missing puzzle piece had been given to me. My brain is busier than a main street in Tokyo when works leave to go home multiplied by a billion. I have had my thinking exhaust me.

You feel like lead, your body heave and yet your brain is constantly turning things around and around as if you can think your way out of the darkness. The past, hurts and pain are in thoughts as fresh as if they happened yesterday.

Depression in chemical. It is organic and of the body. I'm not talking about grief or extended grief from an occurrence in someones life like a death or end of job/marriage. I have seen people that couldn't move past the those things that eventually lead to a real prolonged battle with depression.

Isn't that something though, the fact that our brain churning out too much thought can actually keep us stuck in depression? I grew up "thinking" I could think my way to a solution or out of a problem. When I was young and played old school 45rpm records on a player, if there was a scratch or spot on the record the needle would get stuck and it would repeat a line of the sentence being sung, over and over until you moved the needle. Getting past the "over thinking" thing is a lot like that needle sticking.

We get an interruption in the flow of our life, chemicals get wonky, we don't have enough of them for the brain to function properly, depression results and we start thinking, and thinking and thinking.

I found, for me, I knew I was above average smarts and the fact that I couldn't figure out how to pull a rabbit out of my hat and make a success of my life, actually drove me crazy. I had to find a place somewhere inside me that could hold and retain some peace. I just wanted to be peaceful- to not always be forecasting my future or running a diagnostic on my past. I was being pulled into and the very thoughts my brain created were serving as the opposing forces of pull.

It really does feel good when it stops hurting.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

99.9% of Ideas out there don't fit me.

Only .1 percent of the the new ideas we are exposed to are going to work. "Work" meaning they can be applied to our lives and they will prove beneficial to our progress of as humans, friends, lovers, brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers.

The real trouble for a lot of us comes when a big idea working in others lives doesn't work for us. The times I have tried to align myself with a cause or religion or way of thought because it seemed to work so well for others can't be calculated it is so large.

When you are like the way I have spent most of my life, and you have no real sense of self, it took longer than it could have to ultimately reject those failing ideas. I thought I was the failure. It didn't dawn on me that the idea failed in my life. If there was failure, I took it on as mine. Always.

As humans we are such individuals that it is impossible for one idea or movement, political group or religion to work for all of us. One size doesn't fit all and it either takes a world of pain to propel us further along or really great inspiration.

I thought I was getting hit on hard once. I grooved to everything they were saying. Then instead of going out a date I was asked to an Amway meeting. I knew enough about the organization to know it was for me and most importantly I was right for them. I didn't know very much about myself then but I did know basic rudimentary things like I didn't like most vegetable, excessive heat or getting up early.

We have to get to know ourselves in order to recognize the breadcrumbs to follow to the new ideas.

The way I began to get to know myself better was I had to learn to distinguish the voice prompts , "old tapes" that played in my head and then I had to question them, or stop them.

Once I found that inner directive I started using it and telling it yes. When I would leave town to drive home and realized I had had an urge to take the other way home than usual, I did it. The more I honored my inner guide voice, the strong it was and it became way more organic.

Being myself is very hard for me. First it leaves me fearful and vulnerable when I don't have defenses up and I'm just being me. BUT, preparing for a punch can be much worse than the punch most of the times.

I felt bad when i went to a drinking support group for many reasons. First I didn't have a token amount of sober time early on to feel like I had any cache' and I didn't have anything to offer that would be valued.

Then when I had several years time there in the support group I felt set apart because frankly I didn't really care if I lived or died. I was doing all that was ask and I just didn't feel like a human.

I spent way to much time trying to make that whole program/group work for me when it was never going to work for me like others. Funny enough one of their favorite sayings "keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" applied to me with that sober movement.

When you are born different and you realized that you don't fit in to the world around you, protective mechanisms are formed quickly, quickly.

I thought it was best to ignore who I was and assimilate to them. I lost myself before I even knew it. I would try to act like I was suppose to then be me in secret. I actually did spend time in the closet growing up. I was playing. Dress up.

If one of my good friends asked me, how to start to turn it around to have a life that is justified to themselves I was advise. Start getting rid of what isn't you.(books, clothes, friends, movies). Start listening to what your thought voice is saying. Learn to distinguish your directive voice and the dangerous ones that make you hurt and feel worthless. I don't mean audio hallucination voices!

The MOST important thing is start exposing yourself to all the new ideas about love, life, spirit, creativity that you can. 99.9% won't apply to you but it only takes .1 to be a happy spirit on the planet.

One reason kids are so happy is they live in a world of color and creativity. Do something creative everyday. Write a funny email, paint a picture, style a wig, plant some flowers. As long as you are bringing forth some measure of beauty into the world that wasn't there before. You create creative energy when you do that which empowers you and then goes into the universe. Lord knows it needs all the good energy we can create.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

"Old ideas availed us nothing"

I used to hear that a lot and i thought I understood but putting some thoughts together this weekend made it really hit home for me. I have had several years now of not having to deal with wanting to die daily. There has been other things that have put me through the ringer but I can pass over a bridge without wanting to veer hard to the right or left into the guard rail.

The single biggest thing I did to get my ass out of the hole of misery was I started trying new ideas on. I watch programs, listened harder to people when they spoke, I read on the net and books. If an idea was/is in it I am willing to at least listen or look at it.

When you get some practice at it you can tell by how your body and spirit respond if it is even close to the the truth of your life.

It is impossible to be a perfectionist when you are trying new things out fighting for a new life because some things will not work and that is fine. Part of a new idea can work and the other part may suck.

I tried for a lot of years to get a life in a 12 step group. Repeatedly I tried and because it never fully clicked for me I felt like a failure once again. BUT, I did get some great new ideas there and it helped me dump a lot of old ideas and stupid assumptions.

That 12 step group wasn't for me. I wasn't sicker or less sick than them , just broken in a different way. I have to create my own program for living.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I was taught to stuff it. So it was a big day for me to unload with words

I'm not apologizing, I don't think. It was just great to really let go of the frustration I had built up not speaking my mind.. My perspective is just as valid as yours, and holding in my thoughts and emotions do more harm than good.

I feel like this has been a senior project.

Nobel Nobility

American Idiots. Thes morons griping about The President recieving the Nobel Peace Prize act like his recieving it has denied them their shot at winning it. He isn't even keeping the prize money so what is with the chest beating and eye bulging. You Pussies weren't nominated!!! Like Cher says, I can put my tits on my back and its no ones business but mine. That Nobel Committee would have caught less crap if they had given one to Kim Jon Krazy Ass North Korean.

To make myself feel better I say I see this because of the area I live in which is East Texas. The south in general not real progressive and in fact large groups in the state want REgression and removal of the state from the union that just "doesn't get them".

It's not just the south though. If Bush would have won a giant award for bogus reasoning and military aggression the stupid stupids would be throwing block parties about how right they all were.

If you cannot notice the undertone of race or overtones of it that you are are incapable of being honest with yourself. INSERT HEAD IN SAND.

In a nation that claims to base itself on principles of Christianity which are love, service and tolerance you get a big Failing Grade.

My dad himself told me he was wrong to dislike Obama because he was black but he didn't care to feel any differently. He is at his church every time the door opens and volunteers for crappy work like mowing the yard in the Texas summer at 73 years old.

I know personally people that have never heard of the award are "up in arms" because it went to him- this black man they don't want as president. And in a remarkable feat of self delusion because they say he isn't their president, they don't recognize that he IS the president of the United States. If you admit what you won't see then your not dirty.

I never go political, but by masses of people saying he doesn't deserve this award, I see them saying because I don't fit the U.S. Standard of being important enough to matter, they are saying I don't deserve rights here either.

What affects one of us, affects all of us.

Clinton is now stepping down from his Ivory Soap Box.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I'm going to be very frank with you all......

Stupid people make life difficult for everyone on the planet. Spam would eventually cease if their weren't people still ordering wrinkle eraser, car warranties, fake pain pills and the like. The auto generated phone calls would dry up like a spring pond in the august heat of Texas.

Some one is still playing the idiot that believes herbs can make your penis hard for 32 hours or a cream can lengthen the length and widen your "manhood".

Infomercials would disappear from the best time of the night for insomniacs desperate for anything to watch other than "Sham WOW, that triangle shaped sandwich maker and that dead eyed lady and her "film" for people with anxiety and depression.

I absolutely know for sure it isn't anyone I know personally. When my mother bought the blanket with sleeves for lounging and reading she had know idea it was on tv, just at Tuesday Morning. Ok, my stepmother has the sandwich cooker with the triangles but she got it as a gift. She got it, loved it so much she ordered her girls one. The Mexican pharmaceuticals I am swamped with emails from would go the way of the dinosaur if everyone would just buy their black market Vicodin from Guam. They never send emails.

The pedi-paw and the pet-egg should be banished, though........ after a weekend of hard partying I accidentally ordered two of each. So, I was drunk that doesn't count but gee, my feet and my dogs paws have really never looked lovelier.

Well, it's all their in black and white. The sad truth is I am the idiot that keeps spam and infomercials alive. I'm weak, bored, and yes stupid.

As my mother used to say, "Do as I say not as I do",, so you sons of bitches stop ordering all that shit from TV and internet ads, even it if the one for the Acai Berry with a photo of Oprah next to it, which by the way doesn't do shit and she is suing because of the implication the picture of her and doc OZ has.

Oh, hell. Hope is so hard to come by if you can make me believe you have some in a bottle, a pan stick or a skelopedial pillow filled with Brazilian dung beetles that heal arthritis, just sent an email to the address above or buy some time on the Tyler, Texas ABC affiliate. Best hours for me between 2am and 9pm.

I would like to add....

I said I believed that some people came to earth with a huge amount of pain, I also believe those people are much less capable of finding healthy buffers for themselves, their pain and the world. Some bodies won't absorb iron and that is anemia. Some humans can't get rid of their deep soul pain.

I always have had a hard time feeling loved. On paper I can draw you a diagram of it but I don't feel it often. I understand it but I can't absorb it that well. I am a lucky one as far as the pain filled goes because it hasn't completely devastated by despair as other's I know and have known.

I can however, feel gratitude and I am grateful.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Your Life can only change once.

You life will only change when you die. Not when you fall in love or win the lottery. At best those things will alter aspects of your life but NOTHING WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE ONLY YOUR PERCEPTIONS ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

When my perspective was changed I viewed the things that fill up my life differently. In the past when my perspective wavered I hadn't had enough practice in waiting it out, I would think it was always going to be this way. Unmanageable parts of my life constituted my whole exisitence. I know better now.

What you do for work is not your life, who you love is not your life, even your kids are not your life-they leave with lives of their own.

The only way to get to a new perspective if you don't have some spiritual intervention is to expose yourself to really good ideas, as many and as often as you can.

My life hasn't changed much in five years, but I don't want to die anymore simply to stop the pain of living all because I work hard and am willing to see it all differently. The way I see it.

When I saw that more than twenty people had checked out this blog I really just felt in the mood to share the "meat and potatoes" of it.

I know that someone sometime will stumble across this if they are suppose to and I want you to know a few things that have tripped me up my whole life. Don't love anything that can't love you back, Spotting the train before it hits you doesn't make it hurt less or less dead. Worry is useless. No one is having a life exactly like yours. Perfect looking people kill themselves ever day, so ugly isn't a free pass to misery. Religion solves nothing. People aren't perfect. Damaged people damage other people and they never should have cancelled Knot's Landing.

You can pay several thousand dollars to experience what it is like to be weightless. How much would a dog pay to experience of having hands and fingers. It is a horrible shame to be here and not remember to experience it all.

My goal for this year was to live bigger, to be a bigger human and I have. Ebbish/flowish. I've made new friends, showed up in my life and said yes when things felt right if new things were presented to me.

I'll be 42 in two weeks and I have learned how to maneuver in heavy traffic and live to tell the tell.

I haven't driven over a bridge and wondered if it was big enough to die in in years. That is freedom.

This post was approved by Clinton gandy

You won't find what your looking for here.

I clicked on a link this morning and the error message said "You won't find what your looking for here"

I didn't.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

i am so excited, I feel like a kid waiting for christmas

My ticket came in the mail today. I need to buy a bag of good socks and a pair of jeans. I'm trying to take the minimum. There are people who have to have a lot of things in order to be happy and I find the less stuff I have the happier I am. I even prefer to live in very small spaces. I had a 300sf apt once that I loved so much because it was like a little cave.

I think I am on top of everything leading up to North Carolina.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I bought my ticket

It's really happening. I have lined up a job a think. A pretty good one. I feel like a Volvo has been lifted off my shoulders.