Thursday, January 12, 2012

Why do we do the things we do?

Why do we attach stories to things and dates? Is it because we are afraid we will forget and the things we attach to some how make the memory or story more tangible? Dates, the odd dates I hear mentioned in meetings that have had sad and painful things attached to that keep the person forever looped into losing or hurting the thing the story tells.

Why is a death date important? Why do I see so many rear windows with decals of faceless storiliess strangers birth  and death date on it. I heard a parent say once, regarding their dead child that they lose their daughter/son every morning when they first wake up and then they remember their child is dead. What function does decal window displays to total strangers play in the process of grieving and healing from a death of a loved one. I hear you, I am sorry for your loss, but get that fucking decal off you window or you will be lost in pain forever.

In recovery meetings I hear people say this is the 4 months death of a relationship, my dad was diagnosed with cancer on this date 4 years ago, I was dumped 7 months ago today. It's endless the tragedy and pain that can be tracked by attaching a meaning to a fucking date on the calender.

Is it part of how we humans are driven to pick at the scabs of our wounds. Does it makes us feel more alive to constantly resurrect the bloodiness of personal disasters?  My thinking is they would feel some freedom if they let go of attaching a story to the date and not give a random number on the calender power to emotionally level them.

People get so freaked out over holidays. A story has been attached to a "random date on the calender" and we suddenly are compelled to have big feelings over it. Scholars say The Jesus was born in the summer, so why get so bent out of shape over a "dummy" birth date in December. Thanksgivings, seriously, have more stories been attatched in America to them than any other Calendar date. It's full face family and no presents to act as a buffer from the insanity we bring as we "gather together".

Feel free to tell me why you pay attention to odd and useless dates in your life. Enlighten me. Tell me why reliving a painful story is so tantalizing you must  celebrate loss on a monthly date, every month. Do you ever quit noting and feeling the date you were dumped by someone who clearly didn't know what they were throwing away.

I don't need any reason manufactured by myself to feel bad. It is the most natural feeling in the world to me. If I don't actively choose to feel good and look for reasons to feel good, I fall into a hopeless state of mind and body and no bottom is low enough to satisfy my desire for destruction.

I have learned that I can feel a feeling, let's say ,,"Sad". I don't have to attach a tale to the feeling I can simply notice I am sad and function through it. If I tag dates on a fucking calendar of especially hard or painful moments I am stacking the deck against myself.

Don't attach a story from your history on your current moment. You never taste freedom that way.

I say this with love, Mary, it's time to let that shit go.