Tuesday, November 13, 2012

my dear friend

It is within my contact with you that I am able to grasp the concept of "Bittersweet". How do you want your children to thrive without succumbing to the urge of holding onto them to tightly. Without reservation, I can state the gratitude is a gift of the spirit. When I am truly grateful for what I have , it signals God and the universe that I am ready to receive more. I hope I never return to an ungrateful way of life. When it's real and when it burst out of you core like a raging river, it's a higher high than anything I ever took for recreational purposes. I've been choosing to believe that every single thing I went through growing up. Marinating in hundred forms of fear. No place to crawl up in someone's lap and know I was safe I have to consciously made the decision to believe the pain taught me how to love misfits and outcast in my grown up recovered life. It was my own form of training in the school of Humanity., I can't tell how much I enjoy the feeling in my chest when I see you have sent a note. I'm one of your biggest fans. lol Have you heard this old song called "If I could" it moves me to tears everytime I pull it up on Yourtube. 


note to friend

I worked out fully for the first time yesterday and I cannot impart to you the pain simply moved my fingers to type this note. lol It's really not as bad as I figured it was going to be. You know, there are a few things that I always assumed were try about me and my life. First, that I would never be able to really stick up for myself because it is incontinent to those I am around. The second is i'll always be weak. The guy that put my work out program together was giving just one goal. I want to be able to do a pull up sometime in the next year. I'd also like to have a go and the monkey bars again. ha Just slow realizations that I don't have to feel as powerless in the universe as I always have. I'm in the beginning stages of thinking it would be cool to know I could run a mile if I had to. You know, if Ma or Pa Engalls sent to to run for doc Baker and Laura should i find myself loose on prairie.

note to old friend

years ago Stephanie mentions to me in sort of a reflective moment, "I wish when I did my last back handspring, I would have known it was the last one". It stuck with me, and when a good acquiescence passed away, I said, " OH wow, the last time I saw Larry will be the last time I saw Larry". So here is my life lesson out of those two thinks. When I am present really really present in my life (it happens Occasionally) I can fully embody a moment so thoroughly that if it is "the last time I see Larry", I"m here and breathing in every glorious minute of it. IT's completely opposite of how I have operated. If i avoided investing in the moment then the emotionally pain didn't touch me or it did't hurt as much as it would if i acknowledged me in the moment.. The kicker is,, its a good way to live only if you are willing to trade 90 percent of the good stuff that would have came your way just to not feel 35 percent of the pain. It excites me to no end to live delicious moments as they are unfurling all around me. I hate I missed so much whether it was substance abuse related or the copying mechanism that really probably saved my life growing up but was taking my life after I crossed a point. This is going to make me sound pitiful but I haven't been very attached to the idea of being alive on the planet in my time here. I think if I admitted something was important to me than the pain of losing it or not getting in was to great for me. In the last 6 years I have really worked on letting myself enjoy the trip. Other than me doing a pull up or running a mile without stopping, my real goal/hope/desire is that when it's time for me to leave this planet, I would fight to the death for just one hour longer. I'm no where near that point but it seems to be the direction I am headed for. I went from wishing I was never born as a kid, to killing my feelings with food and drink as teen and shortly there after it longer was I wish I had never been born, I took it end to my hands to do something about leaving myself. The idea that I would fight to stay for another hour is very satisfying because I just didn't care one way or another in my history. 
I was at some function outside a couple of weeks ago and I really thought about doing a front handspring. Then I remembered the quadriplegic young man I helped get to school for a semester and I thought better of it.