Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Grateful, Lucky Lucky Bastard.

Why is it that humans, specifically this human are so god damn resistant to change. Stuff that doesn't change eventually dies away so it's really a matter of accept it now on my terms or accept it later when there is no choice.

Today is my very last visit with the psych doctor who has treated me for nearly 15 years. Financially it isn't possible to continue and more than that I feel like he has opened every door for me, at least a crack for me to do the work and push them open then walk right through them. He hasn't been the only source of open  doors for me but consistently he has been the most, well, consistent. It's cool what happens when willingness meets instruction and opportunity. I have gone from a depressed bipolar mess who insisted on trying the next newest miracle pill to someone who has to fight the urge to tell depressive friends, "That new pill your excited about isn't going to do for you what you want it to".  I'm actually kind of anti-meds now. I'm especially anti-meds when I hear someone who thinks the pill alone will heal their life.  Make no bones about it, if the day comes the pill comes out that will fix all my brokenness , I will be the first in line. lol  All those meds can do is adjust the intricate chemicals and juices in the head that put me on even ground enough to have a fighting chance and making better choices and to un-knot the knots of my diseased thinking and backwards feelings.

I've got a lot of medical and spiritual tools in my bag that are traceable back to my monthly meeting DFM.  He never asked me to be anywhere but in the moment and really examine what was happening as it was happening. For people like me who are depressive and living in the past or fearful or catapulting into the future,  Momentarianism- the land of living presently with thought is the perfect to built a house of wellness.

People make entrances and exits in our lives daily, some for a reason and some for a season. The fact that I have had a consistent agent of compassion and change in my medical life and my life of spirit for a decade and a half puts me in the "Lucky Bastard" category and also in the category of "Grateful Bastard".