Friday, November 23, 2012

no matter what...........

I have been reminded of something I that new, but forgot. I was not an addict that used every day. Mostly I had a couple prescriptions and when I had them, I would use them up and not use until they were refilled. During the last year especially I have been made aware by witnessing someone who is not doing well at the continuous abstinence that my recover program asks of us.  All those times I thought when the buzz was going I was no longer affected. Seeing this in other people makes it clear that the stupor last for days and days regardless of the buzz length. Paranoia , crazy thoughts and behaviors are there in the addict even when we can't feel the effects.

I spent months not knowing that  in between refills I was like a hamster on the wheel. My life, my comments my every thought was warped, perverted and diluted. I didn't stay off pills long enough for my mind and spirit to return to human levels.

For a time, before I went back to 12 steps. I was in a great place, I was growing spiritually and hope was returning for my life. I got a script for muscle relaxers and I made the decision to take 3 instead of one. The bottle was gone and I could no longer feel connection to spirit, to nature. It took nearly a month for me to get reconnected and then, it was at full level. Just enough time had passed to start to feel alive again, then refill time hit.

I missed feeling connected to the nature and the world of spirit, but I kept refilling the script. Then I was laying in bed and I had a huge understanding shift. I sat up and said, "oh my god it's the drugs". No joke, it hit me that I wasn't going to be able to feel connect and part of nature if I take any drugs. It makes me have amnesia. I forget who I am, and I forget I am human.  I think I may have had one more round of refills  before I went to the "Hospital".

I am changed, everything about me the moment I put a drug into my body. It removes all possibility of hope and connected-ness.

All this time, I thought the drug was done when I felt no more stupor from it. No I see , often and close to home how peoples thinking is muddled for weeks after taking drugs. I know I was lucky that I went to a facility that could wake up my soul and revive my humanity. I love being a part of life and the planet, and if nothing else, I can remind myself what I lose if I choose to swallow a pill and give my humanity away to Walgreens or CVS. The thing I would lose the fastest is the thing I love the most, my right to be on the planet and try some little way to make a difference in someone life, other than my own. To have been filled with spirit, and experience purpose only to willingly give it away for a high I won't achieve is something I"m not down for today.  I love the saying we have in NA  "No matter what".  With a clear head and a full heart, I know i have to much to lose. I had to people in my contact list on my phone when I got clean, I now have an embarrassment of listings there now. I don't want to give those up, even if the pain gets grim. Don't give up , Don't pick up no matter what.