Wednesday, April 20, 2011

perspecitives ---shifting

Yesterday I heard my mom come through the door and she caught me off guard with a really stupid fear based question and it caught me so off guard I just looked at her and tried to figure out a way to a dress my blinding anger and balance my personal growth knowing full well her fear based thoughts are her shit. But it activitated the tiny invisible noose she has around my spirit and it gave a quick jerk to cut of my air. I have my fiftieth birthday within I site and she wants to question me like a teenager about something she has made up in her mind??!! LOL, I think think NOT.

I've never felt the safety a kid should feel when dealing with a parent. Every time I see her there is a part of me that recognizes possible danger ahead and my self esteem retreats. I would love to feel free enough to have friends around when my mom is there too. I thought for a while it's so I wouldn't have to listen to her harsh judgements and attempts to find out the lurid stories on them in their addiction history, but I realized today. I don't want to bring my friends around because I don't want her to hurt their feelings with thoughtless fear based comments.

A few weeks ago I had weekend plans out of town and they were cancelled. When mom heard I wasn't going she said "Oh thank God".  This was just a weekend trip to Dallas for some meetings and she would rather keep me crippled than watch me grow. I can't fix her but it makes me more determined than ever to carve out something that is just mine in the life and never make people that I love feel unsafe with thoughtless comments that hurt peoples self esteem and fragile spirits.