Thursday, June 4, 2009

You Can't Tap Dance on Carpet

I took my dog to the groomer this morning. He always comes back soft and so fluffy. There is only one thing I don't enjoy about my groomer. I'm not sure if it is perfume or shampoo but it smells like those scented toilet paper rolls they used to make.

But, he didn't smell that way this time. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt she didn't realize how well she soak him in the the spray bottle. He jumped in the car, I shut the door and by the time I was inside I was completely overwhelmed with 1986 memories. That lady drench my dog in Polo, green bottle, Ralph Lauren. Does anyone remember how a little of that goes a longggg way. I had all four windows down in two blinks of Koko's eyes.

I'm writing it down, tell the groomer to perfume next time.

The scent of the cologne caused some feel good hormones to kick of in my system.

That phenomenon of sense causing a biological reaction in me is the same reason there are certain favorite foods are hard for me to eat a normal portion of or at all. One of the first things I ever made for myself was Kraft Mac/cheese. It was tasty, warm, comforting and there was a whole box of it to work on until those hormones kicked on and made me feel better. I will never understand how 4 whole servings are supposet to come from that little box. I just always made to incase someone else wanted some.

For me, the simple act of taking in noursishment has never been the same thing that people without food or weight issues deal with.

Right before I left my apartment in Dallas I was in a really dreadful place. I found a friend i had actually been through treatment with to go to my favorite Mexican joint. I of course ordered the monster platter for myself. I was talking with my friend Lori, stressing and the sat the little side plate with the cold stuff and a taco and then a hubcab sized plate that was just about one of the most spectacular sights i will ever see with the browns and golds and yellow heaped up.

All the sudden it was like someone had inject liquid valium into my veins , without even touching the food with a fork I was completely calmed, eased and peaced out.

I saw, for the very first time, clearly that food did for me what I couldn't. It made me feel safe. It made me feel centered and alive. Right before I started eating I had the moment of clarity some of my friends have had with other forms of self medicating. As the first queso covered bite of slid down my throat I heard that voice in my head say, "Clinton, you are screwed!

That was ten years ago. Food still does that for me. I can pick up the phone and fine someone to go get a bite with in 20 minutes, I could call for twenty days and would find no one to go drink with me. lol

First things first I've learned. Let's stop the behavior that is going to kill you, mame you or have you locked up. Done.

I'm left with this food thing now. I'm 41 and for 31 years this has been an issue. I ate before I ever drank, drugged or sexed my way to a faux peace.

Overeating for me is like one of the diseases that has to be managed daily like diabetes.

You know you have a bear on your ass but still when you look over your shoulder your reminded, DAMN! I've got a bear on my ass.