Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I wished I still smoked today.

Part of being clean and sober and rightly medicated is showing up for the people in your life when they need help. One such person needed my help today and I got to practice patience and tolerance WHILE, not stuffing the aggravation. I seriously wished I hadn't quit smoking.

I've been looking at fear in my life , in the STates and in the world. It causes the best of people to be assholes and cause pain for others. It enables people to manipulate entire groups of people who share common fears that they aren't going to get enough or will lose something they cherrish.

When I look honestly at my life which as been completed submerged in fear, I realize what a waste of time its all been and how many people, were hurt. I am number one on that list.

Most of the stuff I was fearful of never happened and the few things that did come true weren't minimized or lessened by the length of time I spent in fear over it.

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. This is not real. lol

Sunday, June 27, 2010

At the core of my issues is fear

I never felt safe as a child, as a kid or as a young adult or even an adult for that matter. Never. I never had a place or a person that I could go to and feel like I wasn't in jeopardy. The odd thing about that is had both parents and they were always there but I never could just tell them I was afraid. Everything in my little world was overwhelming. Picturing in my mind now, a tiny shouldered dark haired boy hypersensitive and alone makes me sad.

When I started school, I was picked on and I wasn't safe there. I was around all these people who were suppose to take care of me and none of them could tell that I was drowning. The pisser about drowning is from a distance you can't tell if someone is splashing about and having fun in the water or if they are struggling. The are struggling to stay a float, struggling for air and struggling for life.

Everyone I knew assumed I was "playing in the water" because at the same time I was struggling, i couldn't be a bother with my feelings.

The first time I got drunk on bootleg malt liquor in the 8th grade was the first time, that even for a moment I felt not so exposed, vulnerable or scared.

Actually I experience the euphoria and fineness of alcohol at a fancy dinner before that. The hideous wine made me feel warm from the inside out. Warm and cozy. It was the first time I had alcohol and I tried to get as much as I could at the dinner without anyone noticing. Walking outside in the Newport street , with the warm breeze blowing, I felt great. I felt in the flow, I felt drunk. It was good.

Honestly it quit doing that for me a long time ago. I used it for awkward social gigs, dates I didn't want to go on and to relax enough to have really nasty dirty sex.

I could give list after list of specifics of when I was scared, had no one and couldn't verbalize me fear. I'm not sure that each individual episode are important, because it was just more of the same.

I was like a turtle with no shell, crossing a multilane freeway. I was scare, alone and I was to exposed and certain the attack was imminent.

Monday, June 21, 2010

what if everyone didn't have to like me.

I heard someone speak today and as they were speaking I realized they were free of the overwhelming desire that everyone like and except them. It was liberating for me because it happened to be someone I think i admired to start with. How freeing would that be if you were so centered with your true self that everyone else could like you or not and your fine with.

I would love to be myself, for myself, by myself or with others. Just happy being me the flawed and the fabulous.

It was a good day. Lot's of new ideas to sort through and see what sticks. The only entrance to the road of new life is in the meeting hall. I got to go there for a nooner. Huge ass meeting today, maybe 2 empty chairs.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Almost friday

I'm just a couple hours away from friday. I went to a meeting and noon and shared. I don't think anything I wanted to say came out right. Thankfully, inside a meeting of NA is the place you want to be went you go all "stupid", we just take turns there.

I got frustrated for a moment tonight when my mom gave me the umpteenth "little tip" or suggestion on how I can possible live my life better. But you can't really get mad that your vcr won't play a cd can you.

I'm clean and sober 2 months. I can't believe how the time has moved on by so quickly It's been much easier than I thought it would be let go of the recovery program I was basically in for 18 years and learn a brand new one. AA and NA couldn't be more different.

I am slowly making friends and trying hard to give back more than I take. I have a new book I need to get into and of course reading in the program literature.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

a new done and another chance.

It's morning, not too early. I woke up this a.m. and I had the idea that a whole new day lay ahead of me and with it brought opportunities for me to do stuff differently. Yesterday was uncomfortable tto me regarding my weight and I have a chance to start eating less today, because I woke up in awareness of it.

All my life I have felt like nobody saw the real me, and right now because of using food as a sub for anxiety medication, hell even I can barely recognize the real me.

It's time. It's time for me to start living the life I haven't even allowed my self to hope was possible. I have hope and belief that it really is in the realm of possibility, I just need to bring it fully into myself and do it it.

It has almost been two months since I had any sort of pill for pain or anxiety. There aren't many illnesses where you have to treat so many symptoms before you can attack the illness.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I'm a little crazed.

For the first time in almost two months I had a really fitful night of sleep. It was fall asleep for five minutes, jerk awake, look at the clock, flip and flip and repeat and repeat. I didn't get to go to the noon meeting yesterday or today because of the pouring rain and it really takes a toll on my mood when I miss a day, let alone two. I had just started getting ready for the 8pm meeting when my sister called from the car on her way back from a business trip letting me know I needed to take her truck to her work out in BFE and that messed up the 8 oclock plan of mine.

Some days I fill like I am just 2 inches of to the left of center and I just can't get back in the groove. I hate that feeling. All week long I've been medicating something with peanut M&M's. Seriously, I think I ate 7 pounds of them if a family size bag is a pound. That embarassed me so bad when I just saw that in print that I almost deleted it. But I hope there is no shame in telling the truth. I can't absorb any more pain or shame. lol Once a sponge absorbs is capacity it's useless. I don't want to be useless.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I spent an hour on the phone with some one like me. Suddenly any shame I had about relapsing on drugs while sober from alcohol was the bridge I needed to get me out of myself and there in the moment for a really cool person. Real experience beats theory IMO every time. Truth is what makes me strong. The truth about myself, the fear and the funny, the beauty and the scar.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

It's 11pm, I've done my family duties and I am kind of lonely now.

I spent the day "showing" up for my family. Driving one person here and another one there. It was 97 degrees and I got in tonight to late to go to a meeting. I am sort of lonesome at the moment. It probably is magnifying the tiredness. I'm in a good spot, nothing is wrong just a little blue. I have the opportunity to make many meetings this week and I hope my clarity continues to increase with each one. I really do have a lot of hope that I can have a life that is better than I ever imagined for myself. Just focus on the moment I'm living in and let the rest take care of the rest.