Thursday, September 30, 2010

Mix of emotions.

I have been really troubled by the young gay man that killed himself after his room mate at school turned a web cam on him will he was having sex. I hurt because he hadn't been on the planet long enough and seen that we get through the really bad times. Nothing is ever so devastating it can't be worked through.

Honestly I don't know why or how I managed to grow up different in an area not known for understanding and tolerance . It makes me marvel at how strong I was without even knowing it. I believed that there was somewhere out there that would make more sense , I knew in my heart that there had to be a place of acceptance even if my head could not put it into words at the time.

I think about the young me's out there. Bullied and demeaned not knowing any thing different. I found food and that helped cut the pain until alcohol came. Then much much later I just wanted to be comatosed

I'm just very sad, for the boy up north and for the boy that was bullied inside me still.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Hello My Friend Hello

I've been doing so much work on the weight loss board that I have forgotten to come here at all. I'm going to come back later tonight and put some stuff down on here.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The falsehood of "treating" yourself

TV commercials urge you to "indulge" yourself , promoting bath salts or chocolate we are made to feel like we have such a hectic life that is ok, if throw out self restraint "now and then".

I was really shocked when I looked up the actual definition.

Indulgence- an inability to resist the gratification of whims and desires

The feeling of "The devil may care" and the thrill of being "temporarily" naughty that I thought meant indulgence doesn't mean that at all.

When I would be on a trip, I would get a thrill out of ordering a breakfast so big I needed a table of my own because "I'm on vacation", and throw care out the window.

When something good or bad would happen, I'd eat everything in sight because I deserved to "indulge" as a reward or consolation.

The chemicals produced in my head when I throw caution to the wind is really what I am after. I am looking to INDULGE in something so my brain chemicals produced dope me up. Chocolate produces the same chemicals in your head that being in love does.

It's really dangerous for me when I feel like I am owed a celebration because celebration for me means taking something I like, throwing "Caution to the wind" and imbibing until I can't see straight.

So the word indulgence is about being NOT IN CONTROL of my own actions, thoughts and behaviors.

Seriously I am going to have to stay aware of that because my head is constantly telling me I am owed celebrations. Indulgence looks like insanity to me.

I will never look at an ad for chocolate or fine beverage that say go on and INDULGE. It's really prompting me to give in to the the insanity of not being in control of my own urges.

That sounds ugly to me. I get fat or arrested when I run on distorted instinct of how much and how come I deserve to partake in food or spirits.

For me, INDULGENCE is naughty fun, it is me being complete over taken with the insanity that I deserve the right to have as much of something as i can. My disease of addiction is writing checks that my body and spirit can't afford to cash.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Things to reconsider

I forget sometimes when I want to change something about myself or my perspective, just how important it is to expose myself to an array of NEW IDEAS. Hardly any of my old ideas were helpful anymore. It's so important to try something thing different or examine things from a different perspective. If I keep doing the same things over and over I never get anywhere.

Buy a book, watch a program, interview a friend are great ways for me to start building my new existence. Some work and stick, others don't work and fall away.

I just know that if this is my last moment on earth, I don't want to spend it frightened. I want peace more than anything else on the planet, and from the strength of that piece I can then address the issues that keep my fat and want me heavily self medicated. Something I am learning from my Bootcamp Buddies Weight Watchers is that all of us have things in common things like fear, self loathing and the desire to numb ourselves with food. It really was the first drug I found that made me not ache inside.

I'm kind of all over the place here so I am going to shut down and try again tomorrow. I am thankful for everything I have and will share what I have found with anyone who is interested.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The "Common Thread".

I am really grateful this morning. Grateful not just specifics but all levels. I like where I am and that is such a crazy foreign experience for me. I ran smack in the middle of one of my favorite foods to over eat last night when my mom and sister cooked meat sauce, spaghetti and garlic cheese bread. I know visually how much to put in a bowl and eat and still stay reasonable with the point count, but it would have knocked me out of a snack or two before bed. As good as it smelled, I passed and had my fav. chicken fajita thing instead because I didn't want to have to do without later. It's a big step forward for me to thing about the repercussions of my action BEFORE I eat.

I am so thankful to still be interested in learning new ways of dealing with the world and the things/people I come in contact with. It's easy to begin a change, but to keep feeding the desire to change is frankly difficult. Change can only take place in the present moment. If I keep stringing those moments together I will get to who I want to be. I've really been giving the fact that I need a compelling vision of who I want to be in order to get there. My identity in my head thankfully, doesn't match who I have become and who I still want to be. I don't smoke anymore, I don't eat xanax or somas to "Relax" my self from hideous hideous anxiety and I'm not a recluse anymore. I'm trying to visualize, what I dress like, what my hair looks like, how I stand.

I read a quote that, real change is almost impossible to sustain unless you have a "compelling vision". I see myself clearly, moving with focused attention, reaching my hand out , grabbing someone on a sinking ship and yanking them into safety. I believe that old saying that I have heard on Oprah for 20 years. If you get, you must give. if you learn, you must teach. I can't wait to get to the point of my recovery from a self centered, self driven life to being someone with a way out that is sharable to other people who have noticed they live in the dark but suspect there is more that available to them.

I just took a quick look around me and I own very few things. The things that are mine I am thankful for but not attached to. Maybe one day things will mean more to me because i have long suspected if you don't have the highest value on yourself, nothing you own will mean much. It's like how the moon doesn't have it's own source of illumination. It simply is lit my the light of the sun. My value for myself is like the light of the sun. If I don't have a bright light, then nothing can get "lit up" by me. It probably sounds grandiose, but I would love to light everyone I meet up like the sun light the moon.

So today I am going to treat myself as lovingly as possible and that includes what I tell myself in the form of thoughts. I will be kind and gentle and remember that mistakes are not failures and even if they were, failure isn't fatal. I will attend, I mean really be with the people I am with today. I will focus my full attention on them just like the attention I want to be given. Even though no one may be looking or watching, I am going to be the me that I believe I can be. I will make healthy choices, and look at my life as important, but not so important I can't find the humor in being human, which means, my flaws aren't fatal either. My intention is to bring hope, love and laughter to the people I encounter today and embody the best possible qualities with my one time shot at being human.

I look forward so much to all of you checking in with updates of your day and diet because even though I don't "know" you, I know you. It makes me feel good to have this tiny shared space together, no pun intended, but in this, our common "thread".