Saturday, October 30, 2010

I learned some things tonight and I am ok with them

I will never enjoy group activities like dances and jamboree weekends. I tried it and really thought something was wrong with me for not liking them. The truth is, I am not horny and i am not under 30 and I don't like loud music of any kind and I don't dance. What I found out tonight was dances aren't my thing and that is fine. What is my thing is gloriously person and intimate sharing of experience strength and hope. I love to hear about your spiritual exploration or you adventures in being human. I probably could sit and listen to 20 enlightened people talk until dawn. I got a chance to talk with a couple people i know there are sort of in sober living and it was the only time I felt like myself. I drank and did downers because I wanting to feel mushy and talk on the phone, not join others.

I'm very glad I got this straightened out for myself. I am over feeling the guilt produced by not fitting in activities I wasn't interested in to start with. Monsters are created between my ears every hour. Most of the time they don't stay and I don't by into them.

One other thing I was bummed about tonight was I saw my photo in my costume and I look like an old man with double chin and jowls. It was disappointed my weight loss hasn't made much difference and I look washed and old. It is just the way I feel at the moment. Reality, sometimes jarring and unpleasant. lol Suddenly, I who have not been in love since I was a teenager, am suddenly concerned about being ugly and unlovable and dying alone. What a mess.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Just a thankful day.

Six and a half months ago when I entered the Narcotics Anonymous program I couldn't even dream of feeling as at home as I do most of the time now. A fairly new person was concerned the hall wasn't open this morning and I used the key to open it. My friend who was suppose to chair the noon meeting was ill and I filled in for him as chairperson. I remembered new peoples name and I interacted with people who now have an interest in my recovery and vice versa. One of the biggest gifts of the program is how we invest in the recovery of others. If you can make it too the door someone will let you know we are glad to see you.

I have not had to wrestle with wanting to use pills in some time, therefore, I have had ample time to focus on recovery. Getting better from the inside out takes time. Getting to the point you feel comfortable in any new group is AWKWARD,

All I have really every wanted was to just be myself and have some good feedback from the people I am with. You can't really grow if your riddled with fear. Fear tell lies and bullies you into believe them, even about yourself.

Monday, October 25, 2010

surprising compasion.

I am completely astounded at how recovery works when you let it. I got completely crossways with a lady a few months ago in my recovery group. The thought of her made my teeth hurt. I consciously chose to let it go and to see her as someone with a big personality and a mouth to match sometimes. I was steadfast that I could not dislike her because in that room of recovery we depend on each other and she might be the only one that could help me one day.

There was some drama that played out at the group yesterday for which I was not there and was not privy too. She was confronted from what I understand with breaking the traditions which keep the group safe. She responded as a big personality and ego would.

The thing that suprises me and solidifies the merits of the program is I felt compelled to reach out to her and tell her I believed in the integrity of her recovery. She may or may not have broken a tradition, I don't know and frankly don't care. I do care that it was handled very poorly and that she may feel stunned or ashamed as well as majorly pissed.

Being open made my heart open up and relate to the human part of her and I was completely floored when I couldn't not reach out to her.

Compassion surprises and thrills every single time I am flooded with it. It's makes me feel grateful to be alive and grateful I get to make a connection to someones soul for a brief moment.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Hello again , Hello

I've been putting so much focus on Weight Watcher's I have mostly been sharing there. I'm going to try to come here tomorrow and sort some things out.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Thanks for the resentment.

edited. lol

Monday, October 4, 2010

Do you know you"re free and do you know how to make the most of it.

In 1997 I worked for a very short time for an old lady with a 40 year son who had severe CP. It was a miracle that he made it to a teenager and the only reason he did was because of his mother, Melinda. Melinda was a big woman, 6 foot tall and stout, strong stout , not like the "big" ladies clothing store they called a "stout shop". Any way..................

Melinda had dementia. People were always "breaking in the house trying to steal her things" or "Stealing her shoes and clothes and replacing them with ugly ones". At the end of the first couple of weeks I walked around in the yard and saw that she had a dog in a cage. Frail, friendly, so skinny. She had forgotten she had a dog for a while and he was emaciated. I was over come with the desire to set him free while she wasn't in the house. I opened the gate and he didn't know what to do do. I found out later he had spent his entire inside that cage, I got him out and set him on the green fluffy grass and he was like a statue. He went back to his cage and I knew I had to get back in to work. After work, I went straight to the cage , got the dog, put it in my car and brought it home with me. I have a big fence in back yard and I figure I could figure out what to do with the dog while I fattened him up.
Before 2 weeks had past, she had been screwed by every male dog in the tri county.

The reason I was thinking of the story is because I need lessons in how best to utilize my freedom. The freedom that comes from being clean and sober, not being in trouble with the law, and the freedom of being a 42 year old white male in America.

Asking for help is one thing that is hard for me. I have always rather try to figure it out for myself and if it failed, I told no one.

I am so grateful to have a few close friends who get the fact that I need help navigating the waters of freedom, and I am thankful I have two doctors and a Weight Watchers support forum for me to access, poll and utilize.

Do you know that you are free? I love the 3rd or 7th step prayer from AA. I don't like prewritten prayers usually but this one pertains to "Relieving the bondage of self". The pray is a prayer for freedom.

I found a home for the dog and she had two babies.

I am thankful for my training wheels and the people intrusted to help me make most out of being release from the insanity of addiction, just for today.