Monday, August 31, 2009


I watched the 2 hour docu on Woodstock Sat. night and I can't stop thinking about it. I never really understood what the big deal was and I hate that kind of music and never had interest in LSD, but for the first time I really get what a big deal that was and what a time in history that was. I really hate I was only 2 and didn't drive yet. lol 1968 was so aweful by '69 the country was having their boys slaughtered in a useless war, the death of the civil rights leader Dr. King and Bobby Kennedy and 300,000 young people gathered in a field for three days and just lived the moment. The Pig Farmers and others providing food for thousands of strangers, the guy who owned the land(the most unhippy regular middle aged man) fighting for the kids rights to have the festival was so inspiring to me.

I guess more than anything I have always wanted to just be drowned in acceptance. I saw that in the History Channel Program. Those people were touched by the magic of what the universe has to offer when people don't fuck it up with their own ideas.

Interviews with people that were there ran the gammit of those still a bit hippy to professors and community leaders. They all spoke of the event like it was a still unearthly to them.

I want that! I would prefer to find it without all the mud and brown rice but I would jump right in.

Seriously, can you believe I have managed not to become a cult member growing onions in Idaho by now. I can see how it could happen, luckily I am just jaded enough to pass those offers by.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

If I didn't believe..................

If nature hadn't taught me that everything has a cycle to run I would be frightened right now. Fearful people are snatching up all the guns and bullets they can because they don't think they will be able to get more. Greed in the business sector has derailed the economy and people who spread nothing but illness are given carte blanche on cable channels to scare the hell out of already terrified people.

BUT, the rain always breaks the drought and life is just set up on a binge and purge cycle. Purging what doesn't strength us and retaining that which makes us stronger. Even the forest fires we see are a part of nature doing its thing by burning off the old so new growth can begin.

If you want something new in your life you have to make room for it by purging the baggage that doesn't serve you anymore. We get so attached to crap, MY crap that we forget that life is flow and baggage is blockage.

I've heard from several great people from my past lately and I say great because they are the rare people I have ran into that just want the best for me. It's hard to find friends without motives. Some want you to do well just not better than them. I think if you have one person in your life that loves you without condition then you have experience the best life has to offer. I have been disappointed for some of my friends but never disappointed in them.

So if I didn't believe their was a cycle to life, to the planet and to being, it would be miserable, if I didn't believe.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Letting it go

Post coming this weekend.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Good day to be a Surface dweller.

Around midnight last night I looked at the clock and figured I had at least four hours before sleep might creep in. I went out to the garage to get a 2liter Diet Coke and I had the thought, why not try to experience the next for hours like it was the last four hours before I left on a space ship, or a long trip.

I felt the pressing Texas night heat on my face and I heard the chirp of the bucks. I noticed the way that the trees and cars were slightly illuminated and I heard dogs barking from every direction in the distance.

I made extra effort to experience the smell, the feel and touch of everything as if it were my first and last time to encounter them.

I've had some great stuff unfolding for me emotionally and spiritually but I haven't deciphered what information is just for me and what might do some good for someone else.

I do want to say that the growing rumble of a Tsunami of Fear in the country doesn't look good. I see a lot of people trying to use it for their own nefarious agendas. "I AM NOT SAFE' is one of the oldest memes or programs I have. I never had anyone purposely use it against me that I know of.

When the market crashed in the 1920's men jumped out of the high rises rather than see what was just being their terror of being broke and shamed. Then on the opposite in of the spectrum when the concentration camps were liberated they found small poems and butterflies caved in some of the walls.

Do I jump or do I try to create or find some beauty in whatever my situation is, bleak or fancy.

Life doesn't change. My perspective may make it appear it does, but life doesn't change.

The earth, the host, the original living thing has been kind that is as put up with our (human) stuff as long as it has. If you have never noticed WE, HUMAN"S of the planet are parasites. The parasites won't stop until it kills its host with it never ending desire to consume.

I planted some Zinnia's a few years ago and the seed was about the size of a piece of paper confetti. It grew, it bloomed, it died. I ran it cycle. It left seeds behind. It fullfilled it's purpose in the scheme of things. It didn't get sidetracked about what color it was or distracted by it's size or shape. It just did what the universe programed it to do and it was spectacular.

Everything I do in my life, makes it harder for me to successfully run my cycle productively. Half my life is over, or more. Physically, my body is way past its peak. But for the next minute, month or decade, I really want to clear the crap away and I want to grow, bloom and die. I want to leave some of my best seeds of creation behind and I want to have been spectacular.

In my darkest times, I hope I have to peace of mind to scratch my own butterfly on a wall and attempt to scratch a hopeful thought.

Don't let the fear rob you of you life.


Monday, August 17, 2009

Thank god for dogs and doctors.

Something I've known about for a long time and have tried to work on is it isn't easy for me to feel loved. It is super hard for me to receive. I saw that very clearly today in my mother. No matter how clever the tactic to sneak in under her radar and get her to feel loved or appreciated it runs into a block someone. It makes my chest heavy that she is just as unreachable to me as I am by her.

I hope before I leave the planet I can feel love. I know it's possible because when my dog jumps up into my lap he no reservations that his affection might not be accepted and he is completely at ease walking on top of my chest and trying to smell my mouth to see what I have eaten lately..

As kids we are much more open to that or most are. I wasn't I was already guarded by age 3. I like myself sooo much better than I used to. That is step one in feeling love from others. I'm headed in the right direction I just had to stop and gather thoughts. Thank god for dogs and doctors.

Wow, am I in synch or what.

The very article I blogged about yesterday on O magazine was sent to me in an email today from

Personal power, finding out you indeed have unlimited untapped amounts of strength and guts is the most awesome discovery I have ever made. Well, that and what an orgasm is. lol

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Stronger than I thought for sure

I saw an article title on the New Oprah Magazine at the checkout and it said "You are stronger than you think". As I was checking out was like yeah, I know I am. With the help of paid professionals I went through my life and figured out I am definately a survivor. I was raised up with the belief that some huge catastrophe, somethin hideous and gigantic was coming and when it happened complete devastion and then I would be eliminated. Sort of a horrific Kodak moment.

If it were true that humans folded into a useless blobs when the "worst thing imaginageable" happens, we would have to turn a land space the size of Europe to drop the idiots off to let the finish withering away. Kind of like Australia was in it's beginning when England sent their troublesome people there.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Check in

I watched some people on TV last week crushed because they had lost they place in the class system in the U.S. I thought it was ridiculous. It hadn't crossed my mind since grade school as to what class I was. Poor people don't worry about those things. For me it is way more important to have a clear sense of myself as myself then try to filter it through the financial group I belong to. I'm not a big "thing" person. as long as my very basics are met I'm good to go. I am very very thankful for my lack of desire for things and toys. Of all the things that try to get me down "What class am I" isn't one of them.

I am just happy to be an invited guest at the party.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I would like to add this to the previous post regarding fear

I don't have kids, and I would never pretend to understand the level and depth on fear and concern where your kids envolved. But I do think when you feed your fears, they get bigger and they draw in what your most frightened of.

I loved the story of the man in ancient times, in the market place where he was told that death was coming for him this day. He took off running and ran from town all day till he collapsed on a mountain top. Just as he raised up from collapsing the realized death was standing in front of him on this mountain miles from the old mans home.

"how", how did you find me here".

Death said ," Well when I was told where I was going to have to meet you and take you I wondered how you would ever find your way here."

So many times we run toward what we are most afraid of thinking we are running from it.

That is priceless.

Breathing Possibility.

I had a brief encounter via email with an old friend who I think is pretty fantastic. She had sent me some of those forwarded emails from some fearful people and I wrote back they weren't really my thing because I don't live in fear and I don't generate it like I used to. I also shared that saying about whatever you focus on expands. I am so glad that I have that down for the moment. Because thought is energy when you obsess on a thought or a fear, your feeding it real live measurable energy.

I also got to tell her that I didn't worry about Medicare/Medicaid going away because I am a survivor and I'll get me needs met when and if the time comes for me to have to do that. It's fun in a way because since I am not there yet, neither are the tools to help me. We sort of get there at the same time.

I bought a really small Tolle book today at a discount store. I hope to read it this week like I would take a round of antibiotics to get rid of any diseased thought bacteria I am not aware of in this moment.

I was cracking up on a song Bette sings in Bathhouse Bettie called "I'm beautiful" which she repeats and repeats and ends with DAMMIT. I'm beautiful dammit. I am.

In the world of hunting for partners/lovers or just sex, you get the feeling that the world is filled with nothing but supermodels looking for supermodels. At the store when it was so jam packed at the registers, I mentioned how sad and tired people looked.

They also looked terribly normal and not a supermodel in the bunch. Same thing at Walmart today. It was so freaking fantastic to stand will or mill about and know that comfort comes in size Average.

I read the craigslist and another dating sight and I almost started to believe that because I couldn't win an amateur tighty whitey contest that finding a partner for anything was not going to happen. The thing I came away with today is, god bless those singles who are looking only for low BMI's and killer abs/guns. There aren't enough of those to go around. lol

I never thought I would be ok with my looks and my body but I am pretty damn close. I'm Beautiful dammit.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Touching base with like minded people really inspires me.

I've gotten to have a chat with a friend who never fails to inspire be to really dig in and and use the information I've gathered to have a better moment. I feel the possibilities today. I have been extremely creative over the last two days and that always makes me feel good to know that I am generating that energy that flows from me to the planet. I'm very clear on that today and I am making plans to be more creative. I have met one or two new people that I am extremely interested in seeing if we have the stuff to build a real friendship.

The term "hope" has never really rang my bell. It seemed like pinning yourself to a Disney version of a fairy, like Tinkerbell. Possibility is way more than hope because I can see how something could actually come together. Being mentally and spirituality ready to pounce when possibility presents itself if such a better way of living for me. One big thing for me is to remember when I get to the point I can see things aren't going to work out the way I saw them in my mind, to cut my loses and move on with without visiting the Wailing Wall.

Life seems to me at the moment a string of experiences that the goal in each one is to find peace with them and be ready to move on to the next one. The universal flow of live is constant, things are always moving, constant entrances and exits. It isn't pleasant when I start trying to direct the flow because I lack the power. I am 42, I expect to have 25 or 30 years on the planet more. I think in order to truly honor the fact that I am here, alive, I need to focus on what experiences I want to have in my time left. This life well, its very personal. I think of people in my east Texas living area who have never seen the ocean. We live 6 or 7 hours from the beach at Galveston and yet they have never bothered to take a drive. I don't want to be a person who chooses not to experience something that is easily attainable simply because I didn't put forth the effort.

I learned growing up that I had no personal power or choice and I was submissive in all choices that affected me. Making a decision based solely on what I feel moved to do is so foreign but I am doing it daily. When my exit comes I don't won't the regret of I didn't do it the way I wanted to.

I made the online purchase of Virus of The Mind dealing with Memes and how they wreck our lives. So look for info from the book popping up here if any of it rings true to my life.

Monday, August 3, 2009

How I got this way

I was doing some laundry earlier today and it triggered one of those full body flashbacks that if termed a memory, is sadly understated. I was folding a towel and I was 6 years old again. Hoping to surprise my mother I folded the basket full of towels. Instead of the response I was hoping for she said I folded them wrong. I was really disappointed. The same thing happened when I tried to do dishes. Instead of acknowledging what I had tried to do for her, she washed them again herself. Without saying the words "your not capable", i was imprinted with my house keeping and activities of daily living were not good enough. I was sub-par and flawed. I never do dishes at her house because she will wash them again anyway.

Her eye goes to the flaw, the fly in the ointment automatically. I responded to that critical eye with sort of giving up. Soon that "I am not good enough" filtered in to most every part of my life. I have only been in real love once, and that was very early in my 20's. I have all these walls built up in my head that want to me believe and stay unlovable because I am so flawed.

It is a meme, or several stacked on top of each other.

Would I be a different person in a different place, probably not. Would it be easier to push past the border if I weren't around the people that prefer me broken and submissive, yes.

I have told several family members I am "this" close to moving in with the street people because I am so frustrated me trying to change and family not. I don't know if they thought I was serious or not but I am. I saw a friend show up to group one night in Dallas with his suitcase. He couldn't take his partner any more and he said, I will live on the street before I spend another night with you.

I understand now.

I haven't had the experience of euphoria in a long time. That "God, I am so happy to be alive in this moment" I've tried to manufacture it if various ways but no avail.

I'm bored, frustrated and needing a jolt of life at the moment. This too shall pass. Meanwhile I'll be eating and acting as if.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Showing up

I saw a quote by the Julie of "Julie and Julia" and she said the Julia child presented her with unknown doors of possibility. What a great thing to say about someone. I forget how much I love possibilities because my head wants to say, "oh, you have seen this before and this is how it will turn out." I don't use the word miracles much because it is so steeped in religious crap but I have noticed that people who experience one, are looking for it.

I've been sort of half living lately and I am stuck in between wanting different and not figuring out the first step to make it happen. I am going to alaska to see the lights and the dark. I don't expect to be anyone else once I get there, I just want to experience those natural phenoms in more than a tourist way.

I walked past a mirror today and my arm and my elbow caught my attemtion. It was was on of those "YOU R HERE", moments because I actually looked at my arm and thought this is your arm. I've often wondered if I was shown a picture of peoples backs would I reckognize mine. If the hair was covered I 'm not so sure I would recognize myself. I want to be more connected and that begins by paying more attention to my being.

I know some people don't have this "significance" to self and they do great. Sometimes I wish I was one of the folks who don't look for the meaning beneath the chaos, then I think, Jesus Christ that person is boring.