Wednesday, October 26, 2011


I've been hearing that little prompt from deep inside my brain urging me to indulge, "treat myself". When I took the drugs out of the equation, food and buying things stepped up to the batters box. I get some sort of chemical boost in my brain when I act out on something and the fact that there may be consequences is totally ignored. Spend now, PAY later, literally. I am going to the doctor's this morning for my three month blood work to make sure my Lithium isn't cooking my kidneys, and that means I have to step on the scale. After a two week food plan hiatus, the weight gain will be luck a punch in the stomach but  possibly even a worse outcome would be I consumed like a starving person and it didn't add up that badly. That would give me a reservation that I had wiggle room which I would be tempted to take advantage of like a crazy person.  The very fact that my inner disease of addiction could tell me anything and I would believe it in a weak moment makes me very frustrated with myself. I know, I can't use anything to make me feel or not feel and get away with it long. So the theory of Indulgence is just that, an unprovable idea. Give me an inch and the disease takes a mile. So maybe today I will just be and feel whatever is happening in the moment and not believe the voice of disease when it tells me "Go ahead, just this once, spend some money, eat a pizza, you deserve it". 

Just not going to shoot myself in the foot regarding recovering from this illness of thoughts and feelings.