Monday, June 6, 2011

At over 40 I am still figuring out how I feel.

I've had three days in a row where I have been completely unable to articulate what I am feeling. No sadness or depression just rather flat and tired. I feel the way I always thought mononucleosis would make me feel. So what have I done, I've meditated, read, talked with recovery buds, went to meetings, talked with my sponsor and just waited for me to feel my way past whatever is going on. Even if I felt this way forever it is still miles better than what pre-recovery Clinton felt like.  I like the the fireworks and bells+whistles, so the lower end of the spectrum of feelings kind of freak me out. I finally weight today and was very happy with 17 pounds lost,, plus I had on my big earth sandals that weight over 3 pounds. I just didn't want to seem desperate by taking my shoes off to see the scale go down three more pounds. It's still a very long way to go but I feel like i have made a good start. Don't forget I gained 40 pounds in my first year of recovery. I want my relationship with food normalized and I am using my recovery program to get to where I want to be. Food nor drugs have power over me today and I find I am learning stuff in the food area that directly relates to my drug addiction. I told the story of the mini-Hershey bar story today at noon. If I didn't eat the one mini-bar, I wouldn't eat the whole bag then hate myself for doing it.