Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Just stirring the pot a bit regarding the idiocy of religion. What passes for logic is stunning.


After redoing my 9th Step 3 times, I was a little surprised at what what I thought I knew and what I knew.  When I was 4 years old, I was terrorized by nightmares and my older sister trying to frighten me. I walked around in a nervous fear for years to come. I read that chemically when the body produces the chemical it releases by the bucket when you are frightened (Cortisol)  that it actually seals your memories in much like a photo would be burned on to paper years ago.   I think about me in a much more caring manner now, I have a lot of admiration and compassion for the way I learned to survive. I watched a friend who has a new baby pick her up and comfort her child. I didn't have anywhere or anyone I could go to when I was frightened. No lap to crawl up in just to feel peace. My mom like to take the time to laugh hysterically when I was frightened, which I seem to always be. We pulled up in front of the "Modern Study Clubs Haunted House and this monster on break, reach in toward me and I lost my mind. I was trying to put the car in gear and my mom was laughing so hard she couldn't breath. Frustrated with the gear shift I made a dive into the floor board to put the gas peddle with my hand to get out of there. There was another issue with a clown at a rodeo along the same lines. If a kid (4 o 5 year old) and there is no one to run to for safety, what else could I do but try to cover up just  I was affected at all of the emotional neglect..  I don't know why my mother or father were unable to show up for me emotionally. All the other needs like food and home were more than taken care of. I keep thinking of a tale by a women who stood on a dock while talking to a friend. She noticed the little girl two docks down waving and splashing in the water. The lady waved and went back to her conversation. A moment later she glanced down the lake. The little girl had drown, and her silence, her not yelling for help, not letting on anything was wrong, cost her her life. It's only in adulthood that I have found out it is necessary for me to let people know when I am scared, know when I hurt and let folks know when I am NOT RIGHT.

I feel a lot of sorrow for the kid I was but one of the bittersweet truths of recovery is, if I hadn't learned what despair, fear, abandonment felt like, from the inside out, I wouldn't be able to love people in the same situation I grew up in. I can  help someone in fear now. It was my greatest lesson in humanity. Everyone gets frightened or lonely and feel like outcast/misfits. Lucky for me, those were my best subject in my major in HUMANITY

Even with all my big bad knowledge and experience, I would like to go back to that age and just hold that kid.

PS. My mother still brings that story up about the spook has and things is the funniest story in the world. No funny, 40 years later, still un-funny

It makes a lot of sense, how I how have floundered and struggled for 41 years. I didn't have the most basic components for growth and maturity.  I sometimes still feel like I'm looking at the door waiting for my mother to appear and spring me from kindergarten. More likely, I am waiting for my mother do jump out from behind a door to scare the fuck out me. Good times......good times.......

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I had no idea there were so many variations on lacing up my damn shoes. Bitch.

Monday, November 26, 2012

I"ve been looking back at this photo ever since I contacted a friend I lost during the period of this photo. It's frightening to think how easily I got into that shape. Not just fat, i've been fat on and off since 7th grade. I don't think I was anywhere near my highest in this photo. Inside I had just given up. To chicken to kill myself and to angry at myself to move forward. I didn't like to go out of the house because if someone I knew ran into me I was convinced I had MONSTER written across my face. Have you ever smelled something bad in the refrigerator and you couldn't find exactly where it was coming from. That was my existence. I knew something was rancid but I didn't have any tools to get rid of it.

I have suffered most all of my life with my tendency to get confused, overwhelmed and then finally I quit. Anyone can look at this photo and clearly see I was a man who had given up. The upsetting thing about this to me is , I'm not sure it won't happen to me again. There is so much I have power over and it could all start going wrong by having something come between me and the path of freedom. By not addressing people who hurt me, even if it is unintentional  I swallow a little pill of soul cancer. I was years away from getting better at this point. It really doesn't matter what you do or say, it's only important what I do or say to my self.

I've trekked back in time with several therapist and I see clearly that line where I gave up on being myself and focus on assimilating with my peers. I don't why I didn't put up more of a fight. I just believe  them, that I was wrong. Boys can't play with dolls and  they for sure don't play Wonder Woman.

I"ve got much freedom in my life today. My closest recovery pals are two men. Usually I have girl friends but  I've found a lot of healing in being friends with two straight men.  It's been a growth thing for me that I let my guard down around straight men and allow them to get close enough without the fear of fag hating prejudice popping up. I was terrible wrong all my life. Being gay wasn't the most noteworthy thing about myself but I believed for so long, it was the ONLY thing about me that made me interesting. I was wrong.

Becoming ourselves is hard. It is often slow and painful, and messy and funny and sad and mean and sucky.

I just can't live another day being a sad version of what you want me to be. I guess I had to experience dying  of hunger before I could experience the phenomenon of being full. Go fucking figure, a food analogy.

I'll lay it down right now, I can't pretend or be anything but the soul I came to the planet being. I  just never would have guessed that I had all I needed inside me. I just need teachers and directors and everyone is an example, one way or the other.

Friday, November 23, 2012

no matter what...........

I have been reminded of something I that new, but forgot. I was not an addict that used every day. Mostly I had a couple prescriptions and when I had them, I would use them up and not use until they were refilled. During the last year especially I have been made aware by witnessing someone who is not doing well at the continuous abstinence that my recover program asks of us.  All those times I thought when the buzz was going I was no longer affected. Seeing this in other people makes it clear that the stupor last for days and days regardless of the buzz length. Paranoia , crazy thoughts and behaviors are there in the addict even when we can't feel the effects.

I spent months not knowing that  in between refills I was like a hamster on the wheel. My life, my comments my every thought was warped, perverted and diluted. I didn't stay off pills long enough for my mind and spirit to return to human levels.

For a time, before I went back to 12 steps. I was in a great place, I was growing spiritually and hope was returning for my life. I got a script for muscle relaxers and I made the decision to take 3 instead of one. The bottle was gone and I could no longer feel connection to spirit, to nature. It took nearly a month for me to get reconnected and then, it was at full level. Just enough time had passed to start to feel alive again, then refill time hit.

I missed feeling connected to the nature and the world of spirit, but I kept refilling the script. Then I was laying in bed and I had a huge understanding shift. I sat up and said, "oh my god it's the drugs". No joke, it hit me that I wasn't going to be able to feel connect and part of nature if I take any drugs. It makes me have amnesia. I forget who I am, and I forget I am human.  I think I may have had one more round of refills  before I went to the "Hospital".

I am changed, everything about me the moment I put a drug into my body. It removes all possibility of hope and connected-ness.

All this time, I thought the drug was done when I felt no more stupor from it. No I see , often and close to home how peoples thinking is muddled for weeks after taking drugs. I know I was lucky that I went to a facility that could wake up my soul and revive my humanity. I love being a part of life and the planet, and if nothing else, I can remind myself what I lose if I choose to swallow a pill and give my humanity away to Walgreens or CVS. The thing I would lose the fastest is the thing I love the most, my right to be on the planet and try some little way to make a difference in someone life, other than my own. To have been filled with spirit, and experience purpose only to willingly give it away for a high I won't achieve is something I"m not down for today.  I love the saying we have in NA  "No matter what".  With a clear head and a full heart, I know i have to much to lose. I had to people in my contact list on my phone when I got clean, I now have an embarrassment of listings there now. I don't want to give those up, even if the pain gets grim. Don't give up , Don't pick up no matter what.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Holy Hell it's been a long time since I just put a regular post into the mix. As of today, I have lost 63 pounds using the old Weight Watcher Point system.  I've joined a gym and have went every single day. The only thing I have ignored there are some sit up/ crunch things that I think I don't know how to do correctly. A lady showed me and it confused me more. It's awful that when I am uncertain about something I am to shamed to ask for more direction. Tomorrow I will find the dude and ask him to show me again. The weight stuff is actually the easiest thing there. Getting on a treadmill and knowing you have to stay on their for X number of minutes is hard. Boredom for me causes me to want to run and hide or come undone. I don't know if I am ever going to be ok with doing nothing for long periods of time without panicking   Again, it is my inability to live in the present moment that trips me up. I kept trying to center and breath today and the time went much easier on the walker. Be HERE NOW. Fully embody the moment I am in.

messages from the other side of the brink of certain disaster

IT's the strangest phenomenon when I encounter people I have mistakenly thought them enlightened free thinkers, turn out to be ignorant hillbillies full of fear. Just last night on the phone I was blindsided by yet another acquaintance showing me who they really are. I subscribe to Maya Angelou's notion that when people show you who they are, Believe them the FIrst time. Something made me think of Mike Tague the other day and what a kick he would have gotten out of the democrat getting term 2. He had a bunch of pictures with he and John Kerry. (go figure) and he was pro democrat several years before he died. Of course what would and aged queen with a bad face-lift do in Fort Dodge anyway. Wow, that felt weird to type in my head he's still in Iowa and I just haven't talked to him. ha..

The first time I was in Rusk State Hospital I was sort of the well'Ist" fellow on the floor. These poor men couldn't hold a conversation. I finally sat next to a white guy and started having conversation.. I was thrill , at last someone to talk to. Imagine my surprise when he began to tell me how he was Ronald Reagan's exact blood time and he was held prisoner for his blood for 8 years . Then he jumped into his certainty the George Bush Jr was rearranging all the satellites in the sky because he had to send cable network feeds to other planets that were monitoring us......
I was really disappointed when he turn left on me but his certainty of his point of view made my body react with goose bumps as if it were plausible.
I hate it when my liberal guard fails me and Bush drone sneaks in.
I had 9 years of being completely off the radar. Agoraphobic and abusing every psych med and benzo i could find, but when it was time to return to life. I blocked out ever news channel, every Court TV, every murder dramatization. I suddenly started shielding myself from all the dark ick, that is available if I invite in. I have certainty that marinating yourself in terrifying world news will drive you mad. Mad to the point of no return. I watched endless loops of Court tV Murders and Dominic Dunne. GRIM. lol

Changes are necessary for ongoing spriritual growth and the understanding of how self will can derail Me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

my dear friend

It is within my contact with you that I am able to grasp the concept of "Bittersweet". How do you want your children to thrive without succumbing to the urge of holding onto them to tightly. Without reservation, I can state the gratitude is a gift of the spirit. When I am truly grateful for what I have , it signals God and the universe that I am ready to receive more. I hope I never return to an ungrateful way of life. When it's real and when it burst out of you core like a raging river, it's a higher high than anything I ever took for recreational purposes. I've been choosing to believe that every single thing I went through growing up. Marinating in hundred forms of fear. No place to crawl up in someone's lap and know I was safe I have to consciously made the decision to believe the pain taught me how to love misfits and outcast in my grown up recovered life. It was my own form of training in the school of Humanity., I can't tell how much I enjoy the feeling in my chest when I see you have sent a note. I'm one of your biggest fans. lol Have you heard this old song called "If I could" it moves me to tears everytime I pull it up on Yourtube.

note to friend

I worked out fully for the first time yesterday and I cannot impart to you the pain simply moved my fingers to type this note. lol It's really not as bad as I figured it was going to be. You know, there are a few things that I always assumed were try about me and my life. First, that I would never be able to really stick up for myself because it is incontinent to those I am around. The second is i'll always be weak. The guy that put my work out program together was giving just one goal. I want to be able to do a pull up sometime in the next year. I'd also like to have a go and the monkey bars again. ha Just slow realizations that I don't have to feel as powerless in the universe as I always have. I'm in the beginning stages of thinking it would be cool to know I could run a mile if I had to. You know, if Ma or Pa Engalls sent to to run for doc Baker and Laura should i find myself loose on prairie.

note to old friend

years ago Stephanie mentions to me in sort of a reflective moment, "I wish when I did my last back handspring, I would have known it was the last one". It stuck with me, and when a good acquiescence passed away, I said, " OH wow, the last time I saw Larry will be the last time I saw Larry". So here is my life lesson out of those two thinks. When I am present really really present in my life (it happens Occasionally) I can fully embody a moment so thoroughly that if it is "the last time I see Larry", I"m here and breathing in every glorious minute of it. IT's completely opposite of how I have operated. If i avoided investing in the moment then the emotionally pain didn't touch me or it did't hurt as much as it would if i acknowledged me in the moment.. The kicker is,, its a good way to live only if you are willing to trade 90 percent of the good stuff that would have came your way just to not feel 35 percent of the pain. It excites me to no end to live delicious moments as they are unfurling all around me. I hate I missed so much whether it was substance abuse related or the copying mechanism that really probably saved my life growing up but was taking my life after I crossed a point. This is going to make me sound pitiful but I haven't been very attached to the idea of being alive on the planet in my time here. I think if I admitted something was important to me than the pain of losing it or not getting in was to great for me. In the last 6 years I have really worked on letting myself enjoy the trip. Other than me doing a pull up or running a mile without stopping, my real goal/hope/desire is that when it's time for me to leave this planet, I would fight to the death for just one hour longer. I'm no where near that point but it seems to be the direction I am headed for. I went from wishing I was never born as a kid, to killing my feelings with food and drink as teen and shortly there after it longer was I wish I had never been born, I took it end to my hands to do something about leaving myself. The idea that I would fight to stay for another hour is very satisfying because I just didn't care one way or another in my history. 
I was at some function outside a couple of weeks ago and I really thought about doing a front handspring. Then I remembered the quadriplegic young man I helped get to school for a semester and I thought better of it.