Saturday, October 30, 2010

I learned some things tonight and I am ok with them

I will never enjoy group activities like dances and jamboree weekends. I tried it and really thought something was wrong with me for not liking them. The truth is, I am not horny and i am not under 30 and I don't like loud music of any kind and I don't dance. What I found out tonight was dances aren't my thing and that is fine. What is my thing is gloriously person and intimate sharing of experience strength and hope. I love to hear about your spiritual exploration or you adventures in being human. I probably could sit and listen to 20 enlightened people talk until dawn. I got a chance to talk with a couple people i know there are sort of in sober living and it was the only time I felt like myself. I drank and did downers because I wanting to feel mushy and talk on the phone, not join others.

I'm very glad I got this straightened out for myself. I am over feeling the guilt produced by not fitting in activities I wasn't interested in to start with. Monsters are created between my ears every hour. Most of the time they don't stay and I don't by into them.

One other thing I was bummed about tonight was I saw my photo in my costume and I look like an old man with double chin and jowls. It was disappointed my weight loss hasn't made much difference and I look washed and old. It is just the way I feel at the moment. Reality, sometimes jarring and unpleasant. lol Suddenly, I who have not been in love since I was a teenager, am suddenly concerned about being ugly and unlovable and dying alone. What a mess.