Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It's a good night

I have a huge sense of peace at this moment. I reached out to people and made a real connection. I chaired a meeting and I extended a kindness. I am at the point where I know it is ok to follow my instinct and if it seems at the time I am giving away something I might need, I know that more and better will come if my intention in right.

For all these people who looked at me , the people I had exhausted and who never thought that I would quit fighting long enough to find some happiness can rest easy. I have peace at this moment and that is something I always craved and never thought I would have. Now if I can relax and feel people loving me I will be the most successful man on the planet.

I know that something powerful has transformed me because I an change my mind today. I watched President Bush on Oprah and I was struck by his sincerity and he's truthfulness about his alcoholism and decisions he made that turned out not to be good ones. The measure of a person's integrity to me is when he speaks honestly and without "spin" on the subject of his life. I wouldn't vote for him at this point , but I am not eaten up with judgement for him anymore.

The fact that I can have a change of heart lets me know I am going in the right direction.

Responding To an Old Love

Someone I loved and hurt a long time ago was honest about his feeling this morning. I honor his right to feel however he needs to feel. This is my response and it was written with love and respond for an old love.

Clinton Rolen Gandy November 9 at 9:59am
It was a seriously fucked up time for sure. Damaged people damage other people whether they intend to do so or not. I'm not convinced I will ever be able to let someone really love me or really know me. I hope I don't leave the planet without experiencing that. I barely remember singing that song your talking about. I've had so many intrusive thoughts that have lived in my head since then. I absolutely handled everything wrong between you and I. The fact is I didn't have anything substantial to offer you. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know you as a real live grownup since you have been in White Settlement. You can say anything to me if it pertains to you and your well being. I hope you have gotten to the place where you can forgive my thoughtlessness from 15 years ago. I think I am to the place where I have forgiven myself , mostly, on a good day, after a meeting, after I meal, I feel ok. lol I hope you will find the love of your life and I hope for your sake he isn't 22 years old. lol I have 4 friends who were all knocked on their asses by falling for young hotties with problems and I know I will use your collective experiences to turn away from the pretty troubled ones if they ever show up and if ever I think one of them is "special"

I think the singing is gone for good. I sang at an NA function when they had Karaoke. It just doesn't make the feel good hormones kick off anymore. I have other creative things that are far more fulfilling. But I am open to it, I am a work in progress and I have no idea what I will think is important tomorrow or next week or next year.

The drag thing was merely a costume that let a part of me act silly and be apart of the things I love with all my heart. Sequins, rhinestones, high hair and cute shoes. I was completely grossed out by the guy who wanted to have sex with me in drag. It wasn't about that for me at all. I thought it was just fun but I learned to be ok with several things about myself because of it. I never liked being tall, and If I had the choice I would be much smaller because that is what i think is sexy. But with tall hair, heels and my height I was 7 foot tall and a circus side show. It was fun because I not only was in on the joke, I instigated. it. Those days are gone for keeps too, although I did keep a pair of shoes as a memento.

In my grown up life I hope to be more fearless in explorer things that interest me, whether family and friends like it or not. I'm sure my mother will dislike what ever it is I try next.

I have a list, just for me of what did not work. I can't be so afraid to try something and fail because the failed attempts are just as important as the successful ones.

I'm in a place I never thought I would be. I have lot more contemplative thoughts that whims of fantasy. I'm closer now to being an interesting evolving human that I ever dreamed I could be. It's find to like someone and tell them they mean something to you. It's find to not like something someone said and let them know you have another opinion.

The best thing about being 43 is not being 23. I love becoming more myself and finding my own unique place in humanity.

I love you and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I wouldn't do that again today. I'd love to see someone love you like you want to be loved. I know that is important to you so its important to me. Your doing so well, I still can't believe how you got it all together from the time you were in the "House". I draw courage from that.

I do not know what the magic is in working some sort of program, but I know things happen for good when I am in a program. There is a life for me here on the planet that surpasses all my expectations and the only way I can get their is though NA. It is my own little passage to "india". I'm not question it, just trying to make it happen in all aspects of my life.

I love that you can be honest in these messages on the Facebook. I'll always want to know what you have going on in your head. I'm not afraid to stand here and love you. (or sit here as the case may be)