Wednesday, July 29, 2009

How a civilation treats it's sick and needy defines the Civilation's right to exist on the planet of life

I hope the dumbasses that voted for this dumbass feel the pain they have inflicted on others, either in this life or the existence beyond.

With Line-Item Vetoes, Schwarzenegger Wipes Out CA AIDS Services
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a revised budget in the amount of $85 million after "additional cuts to child welfare programs, health care for the poor and AIDS prevention efforts."
Rex Wockner says the Governator "decimated" AIDS services. He explains:
"Although the cuts curtailed state funding for HIV-related education (an 80% cut), prevention (80% cut), counseling (70% cut), testing (70%), primary medical care (50%), home care (50%) and housing (20%), one cut stood out in particular: the termination of all funding for the Office of AIDS' Therapeutic Monitoring Program. For some 35,000 working- and middle-class Californians whose HIV care is paid for by the state, that program pays for viral-load testing and drug-resistance testing. Viral-load testing is mandatory in HIV care, as it is the only way to determine if a particular HIV drug cocktail is working in a given patient. Drug-resistance testing comes into play when a drug cocktail that had been working stops working in a given patient. The two types of testing together guide a doctor in getting a patient on a new drug cocktail so the patient's viral load again becomes undetectable. Patients whose viral load is undetectable are very unlikely to develop deadly HIV-related opportunistic infections, and they are dramatically less infectious than those whose virus is not suppressed."

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Learning to live again after dying.

From the time I was 15 or 16 until six years ago I was a singer, a country singer. One day I went to rehearsal with a band I was singing with and the rehearsal leader told me I could perform so many slow songs. Truth is I am a balladeer. I only learned 3 or 4 up tempo songs in my 20 year career. They don't have any emotion punch to them. So I left rehearsal and never sang again.

Partly because I was burnt out but mainly because the kind of music I felt like singing did not fit into the available venues. Plus being a gay man in the country western genre was hard. I put on this character that I felt they could get into and tried to be someone I wasn't singing songs I could feel connected too and getting through the God aweful uptempo songs I had to do to play their reindeer games.

A dear friend has politely pressured me to sing again for my friends and families enjoyment. I agreed and next tuesday I will make noise into a microphone for the first time in years. This time I am just going to be me singing songs that move me. I am also going to the recording studio sometime soon and record myself singing the songs I've always been moved to sing. I love old cabaret standards like "Moonlight in Vermont" and "That's all" and I may even do my tribute to some Broadway ballads and show stoppers.

I wish I had the self esteem and enlightment to do it before. But you know, sometimes things just take a while to get ripe.

Simply making the decision to do it made me feel freedom from old ideas, in this one istance I know that what I think about me is more important than what others think about me. I was so many things to so many people I walked around expecting to be called out an imposter at any moment. It is a miserable way not to live a life. I guess I really felt that I was so inherently wrong I need to hide behind a character I thought would be more likeable than my own.

I am very exciting I got to this point and I will let you know how it all turns out.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Figuring this out on with no manual

I just figured out something that everyone else may already no, but it is amazing to me. When a person makes a decision based on their intuition, it suddenly takes results or outcome out of the picture. When a person is ok with their decision, if it doesn't work out ideally there is little to no regret.

I have always been paralyzed when faced with making a decision because I was certain I would be devastated when the remorse or regret came.

This is applicable in every area of my life at the moment. I didn't know it was possible to be this ok with choosing to roll the dice and let what ever happens happen. I feel very empowered by this phenomenon.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

To be or not to be...............

I am at the spot where it is time to commit to change and roll with it or get used to the teeth of the trap around my ankle that keeps me bound here. When your dealing with the compulsion to do it perfect, real progress is hard because it rarely goes smooth and you often end up on your ass. I know that my inability to make a move in live is affecting the only two people I love and that doesn't feel good at all. Change is constant, possible and eminent.

I wish I had volumes to write tonight. I wish I was in the loop where I just "get stuff". I'm not though. It will be back just not tonight. Goodnight.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

lighter side.

There is some magic that happens betweent the moment I pay for something online whether it be Ebay or a phone store. In the 7 to 14 days it takes to get my purchase it stops being a purchase all together and I find myself stalking the road side mailbox through the living room curtains for PRESENTS in the mail. Gifts, presents, loot, call it what you will they aren't items I paid for anymore. Sometimes fabulosity intervenes and more than one thing arrives on the same day at the same delivery time. Frankly, it beats any Christmas I remember from being a kid. Even one of the items is utilitarian and has no fun value, it still releases those feel good hormones when the postman lingers to long and starts the walk to the garage. If I could just get him to have sex and bring me a pizza along with my Chi hair straightener(for my stepmom), random computer item and 240 pair of slightly flawed cottonlike athletic socks made in Pakistan my life would be pretty damn good.

It is both fun and necessary for me to plant seeds of possible happiness/enjoyment. Sending something goofy to a friend in a letter or package makes me happy whether they enjoy it or not. My favorite is when they get a kick out of it and pass it on to someone they know would get a kick out it too.

I have real stuff to get down on the blog but I am going in search of saturday fun.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Damn Reality, its so well,,,,well real.

So I am cruising along thinking I'm all spiritual and near walking on water and levitating and reality gobsmacks me. Whether you made the decision to stuff frustration or do it subconsciously it will, with out a doubt demand attention at some point.

After a mini-meltdown and a major family blow up sparked by me I am left with the questions, how do I strain these experiences and get useful info out of it to live a more balanced life, and how to cut a brake line so it looks like normal wear.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Please Wait, Processing lol

I remember when home computers were new and every so often you would get a prompt pop up saying "Please Wait, Processing". That is what I am doing. I should have something worth sharing with the blogasphere in a couple of days.