glad to be me, glad to be at a high level than a few years ago.

I felt something shift inside while driving today. My trip to NC suddenly went from something I was planning to do , to something I felt certain I was doing.  I was later reminded that this mysterious universe has a way of making things happen for you when you do your part in the equation.  I don't have one specific thing I am compelled to want or to do in my future. I just know that I am a survivor. I am clever as the day is long and I have unique things to bring to the table that no one else can bring. I have told friends that I felt like a bear with a foot in a steel claw trap with regards to trying to grow and move on when those I love aren't interested in those things.  Turns out, I'm the only one with the key to the trap and its up to me to free myself.

Sorting it out for yourself.

I go to a game room and it's a small place. All the players know each other. Lots of very different personalities. This one lady has caused a lot of trouble with starting untrue rumors and other antisocial stunts. I heard to ladies next to me talking about her and I was compelled to carefully inject my opinion into their talk. I told them that I agree the girl has been a nightmare, but when assessing her right to be on the planet I told them that I know when I am in fear I often do or say things I wish I could undo. The instigator lady has no kidney function and does the treatment 3 times a week.

One of them got my point, the other continued on with outrage and shock at the young woman.

The fact that I can recognize that there are underlying reasons why we do what we do makes me feel like I am getting somewhere in the whole being human thing. It also makes me handle myself more kindly when I do things to masc the trouble inside.

What did I do to get this lucky? lol

I don't know what website sold me out but in the last 2 days I have won at least 30 million dollars I didn't even buy a ticket or a chance to win. lol I have never gotten much spam since I divorced Aol years ago but I have had an influx of very clever emails informing me that, well, I am so rich I could pay someone to type this out now.

I feel very fit emotionally today. I don't really understand how nothing has to change in order to for something to click and feel better but sometimes it just does. I even got a few things up on Ebay this morning to earn some extra money for my quest next month.

Words that I cringe at

First of all, the word "organic" is driving me crazy. I have friends that mention they only buy "organic" and I just want to laugh in their face. It is a bigger fad than pet rocks and in five or ten years it will be just as big a joke, BUT, if they need organic to feel like they have some control over pesticides in their life I guess I'm glad its work.

The other word I am in dislike with is "TRUTH". Even if it is for real for them, I don't know how actors talk about acting and looking for "THE TRUTH", without doubling over in embarrassment. I just got an email for a lady who is sort of a spiritualist. I visited her page a couple of times and her message for the month was all about "Truths" to her. When that word is used it just sounds like people are trying to make what they say have sound more important to others.

I absolutely know, in terms of recognizing something that is real or works for me, when I hear or see it. My perspective and understanding varies on where I am in life and frankly where I am at that day.

I'm not really sure why I was compelled to mention this. I just know, I won't use the word organic because I'm sick to death of it. If I use the word "Truth", I'll just have to make sure there isn't a word in the out there that could substitue for it. What I have seen of "The Truth" from others is often frightening. People seem to get opinion and truth confused.

Getting out of the hotseat

I've always done best when I know longer have a choice about something. Sometimes it is situational and some time pain forces me to do things. A couple of months ago I realized that I felt like October 31 was going to be the day I shot for with regards to where I live. After the meltdown this weekend I finally made up my mind that yes, that date is indeed the "make a change" day.

You know that old saying "Leap of Faith", well I haven't leaped I have been pushed.

Living with frustration is abusurd. I really can't believe I have been in this loop for so long. I have such an overwhelming fear of not being perfect that I get paralyzed pretty easily.

I also can't believe I would rather seriously live under a bridge than stay with anyone who tries to micro manage me. I can't bear to explain myself any more. As miserable as all this has felt it is such a great to outgrow your shell. I have never heard if it is painful for crabs and snails when they leave the old shell while the new one grows but I am molting as I type.

At this point, 4 weeks from my 42nd birthday, I really feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain-like a real life.

Sometimes I wonder what is fixable and what isn't

On a long drive home tonight I was thinking about how there isn't much if anything I am attached to. I don't have one single thing that if taken away would bother me for long. Years ago I figured out that in order to value anything you have to first have self value.

I also don't think I've ever had anything possession wise that I felt I couldn't or would rather not do without. At one time my tv would have been one thing but I'm not attached to any programs like I used to be.

I'm sure once I thought it was a way of not getting hurt or not being vulnerable. A friend of mine was mortified a few years ago when my dog just "up and died" and I didn't grieve the way he thought I should. I've lost a lot of crap, pawned a lot of crap I never went back for and had many acquaintances that left over night and never missed them for more than a fleeting moment.

I just wonder if people who hoard know something I don't?

I want the full human experience and I wonder am I missing something and if so is it fixable.

Thank god it's almost friday.

What a rough week. The reason I have felt like the greek myth man who pushed the stone up the hill everyday only to have it roll back down is I just haven't been centered emotionally and spiritually.

Frankly everyone and everything has annoyed me this week and that just isn't like me. I'm the mellow go with the flow guy. It isn't easy to maintain that even keel when everywhere I look people are such giant idiots and asses.

I guess I'll sound whacky when I say this but it looks like the country is just about as stressed out as it can be. Something has to give. Politics are killing us, just so much poison being spread and so many fearful people to accept it and pass it on.

Intolerance and hate are eating our internal organs. I live in Texas and it is worse here than most of the other states.

But I can't fix that. I just have to concentrate on being OK and feeling safe in the world regardless of the mood of the worlds population.

Another thing that has thrown me this week in the headaches from my messed up neck. If you have a headache long enough everything will piss you off too. lol

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I don't think I will be climbing the clock tower with an assault rife anytime soon so perhaps I will find some peace again.

Shaking it off.

I haven't been doing very well shaking off frustrations of daily life. I took medicare transport yesterday to have an injection in my neck because I wasn't suppose to drive afterward. I finished at 2:30 and was in that transportation van until 6pm. I was climbing the walls. The hold up was we had to wait on 2 kids who were in a clinic with their mother. I was trying to meditate, think calming thoughts but I wanted to scream.

Then when they emerged my heart broke for the overwhelmed young black girl that had them. She had the look of "broken" on her face and I felt terrible about being anxious to go home. When she got in she explained that even though she had a 2:30 appointment they weren't prioritized as important. They had squeezed in sick kids ahead of her. The kids hadn't eaten and they were beautiful little boys under 8.

I felt like a real schmuck. Did I mention she and the boys live in a shelter? Yes, I got over myself.

Today though I am so irked at the idiots in this country. So what, Obama called Kanya a jackass. Bush and Cheney both said worse things when they thought their mic was off. These teaparty people are nuts. I applaud that some people want a change and formed this group, but many of them are racist nuts who are using this Teaparty thing as a cover up. Did you read any of the signs they held on there march. They were racist and even worse, they were clever or spelled right.

I know for a face here in East Texas there are members of the moment who are hoping it will help Texas remove itself from the U.S. and be an independant country. Those freaks scare me because they border on white supremacy. I called a local ad about firewood once and this guy had a 4 minute outgoing message for "The Republic of Texas". I didn't by the wood.

I mentioned before that I really do understand the pendulum affect of life. In order to become the best we have to become the worst. A wound is neccessary to have a healing.

I just have took to much in the last couple of weeks and it has caught up with me. I need a clense or a purge and this entry was my first step.

oh Yeah, Human!

Sometimes, the funniest things remind me that I am human. A friend of mine has a small business and she has been putting out food for several weeks for the long haired silver cat she calls Farrah. She showed up the week Farrah Fawcett died. We had a very rainy day all day yesterday and right before my friend left her shop Farrah showed up with a baby in her mouth. The weather was dreadful so my friend made a bed in a box and the cat dropped her baby off there. She disappeared and showed up with another baby and then another.

The kittens were very well taken care of and their eyes were bright and inquisitive. I looked one of them in the face today and looked into its giant eyes and felt that rush of compassion that reminds me what life is all about and at the same time scares me because it means I am vulnerable. When I started to leave today the Farrah was laying in the box feeding her 3 babies. It never fails when I am a little disconnected that if I look to nature I find my heart again. She is such a good mommy and she does it by just following her instincts. Obviously where ever she had hidden those babies thus far suddenly became to dangerous for her to leave her babies there.

The whole experience made me want to rush home and hold me dog. lol

sitting down, getting still

As much as I try to watch out for the things outside my control I get exposed to, sometimes things get in. I am picking up a lot of frustration from tv and people I am in contact with. Last night the mere sound of a couple of peoples voices and a particularly bright overhead light irked me. That isn't who I am. I am much more mellow than that. So today I focus on getting centered and finding my level of peace and comfort. Dogs bark, period.

I want to leave Texas. Specifically I am going to Alaska to see the Northern Lights, the mountains, the snow and the water. I just can't figure out how to get there from here.

I've been stalled out for a good portion of my life because I just don't know how to get from , idea to initiated idea. In other words I don't know how to "START". lol

I got online tonight and there was a facebook invite from a girl I grew up with. I looked at the photo and though it had been 20 plus years since I had seen her, I knew her instantly. I was struck by the big brown eyes of her photo. The had such depth in them I never noticed it when I went to school with her. The chat box popped up and it was her. I wanted to know if she was happy. Then I told her I was sorry I hadn't been nicer to her and that I wish I had been nicer to a lot of people. She said I was always nice and that she remembered how very funny I was. It was great to catch up to her.

I do wish I had been nicer to some people. I wish I would have asked them how they were doing and really listened when they answered. I didn't realize that they were needing the same thing I needed, for someone to be on their side, to really see them and to listen when they speak. Also it would have been great to know sometimes you need to read between the lines.

My body is so warm and fuzzy right now. To meet someone with honest in the moment is an unearthly experience to me. I feel like I am vibrating with love. Love for myself and for others who have spent time in the dark.