Sunday, May 19, 2013

grinding down

Had a headache since I woke up, it's now roughly 18 hours later. I was afraid that I caught a virus from a guy who had it last night. I guess it's more effects of quitting smoking 6 almost 7 days ago. I've been tapering on the the "gum". Detox I reckon'. Trying to to attach myself to the dull feelings. This to shall pass.

My circle, inner circle of recovery folks has shrunk like crazy and I am frustrated my phone isn't ringing and there is no one to call who is into the quest as I am. I ask my HP to put some people in my life who have open minds and a real desire to grow in spirit.

My sponsor is in the throws of disease and he isn't available and worse, even when I do talk to him, HE ISN"T there it's some ungrounded poor version of himself. It makes me mad as fuck, he keeps taking that mess of a girl back and completely regress into someone he claims he doesn't want to be.

I hope I never have that situation in my life.

Friday, May 17, 2013

I'm oddly lonesome tonight. Myfriend that I have talked nightly to for over a year has taken this chick back in. Even when I talk to him, I am not talking to my friend, I am talking to a less real version of him.  Being the one who has been terminally single except for 2 years in the 80's, I hate when close friends "hook up" and suddenly they aren't available to me. I've had 50 good girlfriends get their man and family they hunted for. This is the first male that has done this. He's the first real male friend I've had. Definately the closest straight male I ever had. I feel compassion for him. It doesn't look like to me that this is going to be the thing he is looking for but that is my judgment. I'm going to work on being less judgmental about everything. 

I had a good day of being IN my body.  I was fully present all day and went to the gym twice in order to get both weight and cardio done. I left after weights to catch a meeting at noon. It was a fantastic meeting and it really brought a simple idea to me. In step do, I actually come to meetings so I can believe. I literally come to believe.

Working Sat and Sun and looking forward to seeing what that boys in the treatment center are doing this weekend. I hope I have something to give them.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Respsonse to a girl lost inside her mind.

It seems like your thoughts and thinking are completely distorted. What you think you know for sure isn't true. Your thoughts and feelings can lie, and I think you are being lied to be them and you don't hear anyone around you telling you what you are perceiving isn't real. Your worth as a spirit on the planet has nothing to do with performance at school or at work. Your here and you matter , end of story. You have to find a way to stop being obsessed with thoughts of yourself and realize there is a whole world out there and be a part of it. I just lost another friend to suicide, a gruesome bloodletting act, it was a waste because when he wasn't consumed with himself, he connected to people easier than anyone I guess I have known. When what your trying to do continually falls short, it may not be you, it may very well be you are trying to portray the life you "think" your suppose to be living instead of living the live you were created by "Creative Intention" to live. When I gave up artistic direction and stepped into the flow rather that fight it out my way, I quit wanting to die, found real compassion for others and mostly I found compassion for myself. It was a profound experience to find out children have to be taught how to be human and I had in essence been trying to create and live an elaborate lie and showing the world who i "THOUGHT i was and was suppose to be".  You don't have to spend the rest of your life fighting this hard to go no where. There is ease and flow available. I was happy yesterday from the moment I woke up until I went to bed. I feel like the luckiest bastard in the world most days. I haven't been in a hospital or facility in 3 years, I'm completely off antidepressants for two years and some odd months. I haven't used or drank and everyday I try to challenge myself with new ideas. "An new idea can't be grafted on a closed mind", so I hang with people who are like me, have open minds, new ideas and most importantly I don't sit around and pick out reasons why I am pitiful anymore.  "All rivers lead to the Sea".  Just find YOUR river and I will meet you at the sea.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

My recovery kindred is lost to himself again. This broken street woman appears and he aquieces. One again she is in his house and has free access to treat him like he thinks he deserves, vile and heartless words fly from her and then she turns the page to soft neediness which makes him feel big. I often think he is dancing with destruction then I think he is not dancing with it, his darkness is reeling her in like a prize. I have told him repeatedly that I see disaster, he agrees and nods. I want to scream in his ear to "WAKE UP" My old psych. used to use a term he read in a book that said most adults quit living by the time we were 7, so the world is full of dead children who don't know they are dead.  I was snooping on a strangers Facebook page and saw that in September she had included the sentence," I have been happy since I woke up today", and i had a guttural reaction to it. I almost sobbed because I have been happy since I woke up but I didn't know how to articulate it. She did it is has never been truer. Since I finished the last "person" on my 9th step list and a day or two later, the torment I had held onto for 15 years was completely removed, I have been happy like a child is happy.  After 20 plus years mostly IN the recovery world, I had no idea that this could really happen. The moment the room was made inside my spirit from the removal of the hurt and anger, I was filled with fizzy lifting liquid. lol I fucking effervesce in water. lol Not really, I don't release bubbles from my skin but I do sparkle. I'm am so free . Free Free Free. I have moved past the lie of religion, I found my own freeway that gave me action to the flow and I have nothing that I am holding on to to impede the ride. Now let's get this spirit party started............

Sunday, May 12, 2013

It appears I have lost my shell, or as I think of it as an undelicious non candy coating, meant to keep my heart same and you and a safe enough distance I can't get hurt.  A popular item on seafood restaurants in the south of 'soft shell Crab".  The reason they are referred to that way is the one time a year they crawl out from there shell, if they are captured and eaten before the new shell has had time to harden eating them is a breeze. So when they leave their shell they are the most vulnerable they will ever be until the next time this happens in their life cycle.

I was born way more sensitive than most people i know. From the earliest of times it seemed as if any emotion in the wind could give me a crushing bruise. So I stayed alive long enough for my shell to form. It has remained untouched since 1986 when a talented blue eyed damaged boy hit me between the eyes with love. It was the first time and only time I was in love and it nearly killed me. We were two children playing house in a world that we had no coping skills, no living skills to be in. He liked the pot as much as I liked the drink so it was a couple of years of "go away , no wait a minute" that ended in 1989 and in the year 2013 , he is still the only person I ever felt that "Fourth of July" explosion at the sight, thought or mention of . He was perhaps even more broken and fragile than I was but we were kids.  We were children ill equipped for life in grown up bodies and certainly had no business setting up a house.

He was the last person I was interesting in that way and he was the last person I let get that close.

So I have lived behind the Great Wall . I've seen every couple I have ever known spare one, maybe two, fail, crash and burn. I haven't put my heart out there in a long time and frankly I'm not sure it exist for me.

So, as part of my recovery plan I have to attempt at amending people I have damaged or hurt.  When my mother's friend married my dad, I was consumed with rage. Part of the rage came from my personal long history with the woman who had been a mother figure to me my whole life. She threw her best friend under the bus to get my mothers husband. There has been a thousand different faces but on the rage I had for them was white hot but in order to live the program I try hard to live i had to address the scathing letters I would fire off to her while highly medicated with benzo's or muscle relaxers.

It took three years but I faced her and let her have the time to respond to my face for the chaos and pain , at times, I had made my life's purpose about heaping on her and my father. She railed and railed at me, the pain I had caused, the standing in the town I had taken from her with my gossip I spread. I knew what it was like to dread going into the store and facing someone, anyone who wanted to sling rumors and judgments so she said she had nothing left in her in her late 70's to fight with.

I saw a broken woman in front of me , steeped in depression, regret, anger, and emotional pain and I found myself awash with pure heartbreaking compassion for her. When she paused I was stunned to find myself with the mouth open asking her the question, "Bobbie, do you have any joy in your life, is there anything that gives you pleasure to do"?

She matter of factly and in complete contrast to what she had said earlier said , "I like taking care of your father, it makes me happy".

I haven't been on the same page with her in many many years but I found myself bonding with her because I love taking care of people, I know what joy that can bring.

So several days later I am playing with this interaction, looking at it from all sides. Then, the paradigm changed. Suddenly I knew it would be ok, I knew that it would be entirely possible for there to be someone on the planet that doing things for me would make them happy. It was the first time I believed it might be ok for someone to be in my life that finds pleasure out of taking care of me. I hadn't expected that perspective shift. I knew as you began to make right the wrongs of addictions that long forgotten rooms would reopen, but I was stunned, stunned and thrilled to believe there might be someone on the planet that might fight happiness doing things for me, the things we do for people we love.

So I woke up this morning in a brand new world of possibility and that excites me to my core. I fucking love possibility. It's a better buzz than hope and I am standing in the middle of the biggest field of gold , feeling very worthy of someone loving.  Vulnerability, can I really have a joyous life without with out it? I don't think so. I think I am here to enjoy the experience of being human and I am here for a good time..

Saturday, May 11, 2013

I've got a lot of emotion about a quarter inch from the surface today. It almost gets freed but still it remains trapped in a bubble. I finally told my sister I thought she was the most selfish person on earth and that she was a mean mean person. That's as ugly as it got but I didn't see how I could not say anything any longer as she blames my mother for everything going wrong in her life. She thinks it was mother, not 5 years of taking a day off at a time to do drugs, sometimes 5 days in a row.

I finished up with the ammends to my stepmother and I swear, I feel freedom from it already. Today on the way to Longview, right before sunset, I noticed that the tops of trees were drenched in gold from the sun. It made me think of the time I sat at the sonic and watched a field of cane whip in circles because of the wind. I had this sense If I were leaving earth and could view just 10 things to take with me as my last memories on earth. The golden tip tops of the trees washed in the resolve of the sun as it prepared to duck out of sight and those cane I saw dancing in the wind , rhythmically like tall tall thin dancers.

I was struck with the idea that I have looked in the night sky for lights and movement like comets, something to marvel and be in awe and it dawned on me that the stars were enough all their own, they don't have to have a glittering tail blazing across the sky. Today, the stars are enough.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Some of were talking about Rusty's suicide after the meeting at noon today and I shared with them that it has been my obsveration that it is completely possible for a human to get so lost, the kindest thing the universe can do is allow them an exit. I've known people who tried to kill themselves, serious tries a half a dozen times and failed, then one more try and they make exit.  My understanding is the universe is ultimately so compassionate that it knows when a human has reached the point where they are unable to dig themselves out of the chaos and pain. I think Rusty was granted one of those exit spots.   Something that happened to me that never happened to Rusty was I had opportunity to remember who I was. When I caught a glimpse of who I came to the earth being, it was harder to hold onto the painful misconceptions I was fed or misgathered myself. This kid's pic moves me to pieces. The tiny clasp hands and the dazed look on his face that says, I'm just going to have to depend on you to help me out".  I still have him inside me, and it's ok not to know, it's ok to trust others to help. I'd love to hold that kid and kiss him a big one on his head. He looks like the runt of the litter and I am and have always been drawn to the runt. I am at my best, my god centered best in the company of misfits and outcast. Those that have fallen through the cracks are my people.

These start off near black and turn a red color that looks like it has a spot light on certain parts.