Sunday, December 2, 2012

I have never been in love in adult hood. One once I my life was I completely Gobsmacked by love. It was with I was 18 and 19 years old. The idea of that love is never far out of consciousness to me. Friday night i had a dream with him in it and it was as if no time had past when I woke up so I had to lose him all over again. Through a strange fluke I had to go to Oklahoma  and that meant I drove the route I drove to go to my freshmen year at college.. I have only been back 2 times in 26 years and I was nervous, excited and  flooded with feelings. Let me clarify that, i have been back to that town since recovery has opened my heart again. I stopped at a convenience store to get a coke and to use the restroom.  The smell of the store was the same and when I went into the bathroom, it smelled like wood and paint and it was exactly the same all this time later. I looked in the mirror and closed my eyes. I was in a town that may only lover had lived and I breathed in the smell of that paint and tried desperately as I squinted my eyes and half hoping to open them to 1986.  Rolling through old stomping grounds had my heart open and the size of my chest. As i passed Hastings and Belks, Bealls and the Victorian in I had never felt so empty. We went past the turn off to the big lake we caravaned to get drunk and the place I was forced to announce to our classmates and fellow thespians that John and I were together/couple.  I haven't had that kind of love in 26 years but there were the identical sites and landmarks that we ran amok in love there in Paris.

I also know sketchy details of your life now. I look for your face in every crowd I see. I never have stopped looking for you. If you only get one of these white hot all consuming burning loves in your life I'm not so sure if I wouldn't have skipped loving you because I am not in the place of being of knowing what is gone. What I am missing. Maybe that makes me super insecure and small. Maybe it makes me pathetic. I know we can't go back in time and we can't live in the past. I was hit it emotions so large and intense over 48 hours all I could do was live them out and now I am writing about them hoping they lose some power. I don't want to be a tragic fucking country song. I'm 45 and I haven't been in love since I was 19 years old. What is the fucking deal do really really only get just one.


I am in a weird spot. The key people I have gone to for program stuff or even just a good conversation have one by one lost touch. Fucking straight people and their god damn relationship crap.Since I was in grade school and even to now, my best girl friend disappears when they hook up and settle down. It sucks to have to grieve loses of people not because they died but they morphed into someone else and it's called a couple. I"m mad. I am really really mad. The moment there is trouble they run to me for support and then they get back together and what they said about the other person ceases to be an issue. I wish I could fall in love or some close facsimileing. How nice to be so involved that your friends don't matter and when you do make some time you are an empty version of yourself, like when you have a conversation on the phone with someone who is so not interested in your talk because they are doing something else. This sucks because I was the person that never needed anyone, now here I am, whining because my close friends have moved to another planet where playing house and family is the only language spoken. How do I start all over, there aren't a whole lot of people I find interesting. I've as HP with some guidance on this one because it sucks when the cell phone doesn't ring.