Monday, July 16, 2012


I've gained so much weight. I had lost 40 and gained back 60 in a matter of a handful of months. There is a part of me that thinks I should harness that hatred as some sort of fucked up dieting fuel but I know it wouldn't work. The fact is when I look in the mirror , I see a reflection of someone I have warm feelings for and I don't want to punish myself as some sort of bullying mother figure who hates her kid is the fat boy of the class.

I know that I have found a way to use the 12 Step Group to stop using drugs and to love myself more, now I have to figure out how to plug over eating or eating to medicate moments I don't want to be here. It works on all addictions not just pills, booze, or sex. So, this food addiction, eating to make the brain chemicals that make me feel safe and worm is killing me and I have to stop before I reach 4 hundred pounds. So I have asked my Higher Power to release me from this bondage of hurting myself with food. One moment at a time and there is no fixing this for good, just a moment by moment bits of freedom that string together  a bridge out of this prison.