Monday, April 30, 2012

Things I am suprised at , at 44 years old

I'm surprised that sometimes love isn't enough to keep us together. I'm surprised that the person i need to love and believe in most is myself. I'm surprised that the house you live in means nothing with the ones you love inside. I'm surprised how horribly we treat one another yet claim the lie of religion. I'm surprised that all the people that follow Jesus, forget the most fundamental things of his teaching:   love, compassion and service to others. I'm surprised parents don't know best, it's 50 percent teaching and 50 percent hail Mary pass that the kids can find a way to identify themselves on their own terms. I'm surprised that knowing who you are dictates so much. I'm surprised that people who have it all can crash and burn just as fantastically as they lived they died. I'm surprised that NOTHING I thought about in younger days seems to matter much at all. I'm surprised I can say that my opinion of me matters more that your opinion of me. I'm surprised how much you can hate someone and love them at the same time and the same coin I'm surprised how you cane be disappointed for someone but not IN someone. I'm surprised this is what mid-40's feels like and I am surprised how the body responds slower and with more pain way more often. I'm really surprised at how good it feels to have done your best, acknowledge the flaws but being so thrilled you made the effort. Hell, I'm 44 and I'm surprised.

I'm surprised I lived to see a female and a black man run or president seriously and one of them actually win and I am still soo disappointed that skin color and sexual identity makes a difference. Finally, I am surprised at 44 years on the planet  that people who are in so much fear just end up being mean ole doodooheads.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

some friends from last night that came to hear me sing

note to friends

A note to my friends. The words "thank you" are terribly small and ineffective when it comes to telling you how moved I was that you came out to support me at the Opry in Gladewater. The loveliest fact about it was you were all part of the reason I was healed enough to do it one more time. The last time I had sang in a show was at that Opry. I melted down in rehearsals, had a big panic attack and left before I was finished and never returned again or even apologized for not showing up. I never in a million years felt that I would do that again. Bit by bit you have either brought out in me or handed me elements of my spirit that had been lost along my way. You saw me alive last night and I wouldn't be there without what you have given to me. How you brought a dead man back to life and got him to sing on stage is a modern day miracle. I can't thank you all enough but I promise you this, I will pay it forward from now on and do for someone else what you have done for me. Last night coincided with the exact date that I was institutionalized the last time and it was 2 years to the hour.  I do not claim the 14th as my clean date because I didn't decide to join NA until 4 days after but, it was when the fog was beginning to life. To get from institutionalize to performing clean and sober at an Opry being fully present and right-minded is the stuff our books are filled with. You have all made me feel special, very special and my hope is to do the same for you some day soon. Auditions are Saturdays at 4:00.