Friday, January 4, 2013

Weird. I was talking with my therapist yesterday about how my perception of my physical self is messed up. I thought I was fat all the way through high school  until my senior year. I was doing a project that had me going through the annuals for the four years I was in school. I was kind of shocked because I was not fat at all in high school and I was even thinner my senior year when I stuck with my FIRST hideously dangerous starvation diet plan.  This weekend when I went for jeans and ended up two sizes smaller than what I grabbed , I realized I have no idea physically how much space I take up. I've been taking a lot of photos lately mostly so i can study myself in them and get a more accurate self image. I tried a side by side comparison wearing the same shirt in the same spot a couple days ago. Fat definitely fills the wrinkles in and I look now like a game show host a bit, but I am trying to develop or redevelop that imagine of self in my head and try to be fair, but accurate- less distorted. IN the photo I am a grown man, a 45 year old man and it flies in the face the idea that I am in in Kindergarten and just waiting for my mommy to pick me up. lol Funny thing about step work and living a life based on self discovery and behavior modification, it forces you to strip away the lies and misunderstands and makes you look at the truth about yourself. Am I suffering because I am in some delusion or allusion that can be exposed as fantasy or am judging reality with sound thinking and clear vision? Time will tell. I know for a fact this stuff doesn't heal or fix itself, so I have some fucking work to do to.