Thursday, July 26, 2012

A lady wrote in favor of my letter. yeah!

Regarding Clinton Gandy’s commentary (Saturday Forum, Saturday):
Thank you so much for thought-provoking and intelligent commentary on “Obamacare.”
Many of my friends and I have discussed some of the same points you have written about so well. There are many of us who feel the way you do but have not known how to find our voices. I believe there are many compassionate, caring people who need to hear more about this point of view. Could this article be sent out to every church leader and every government official? Could this viewpoint be broadcast on local and national TV? I will be sending this to the producers of national TV shows who may be interested in presenting these ideas to a larger audience.
Thank you Longview News-Journal, and thank you, Mr. Gandy.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The paper printed my letter

I got a call from a stranger thanking me for putting into words what he couldn't. I put two and two together and figured out they ran my letter to the editor. I was washed with fear instantly , the same feeling when someone tried to tell me what I did in a black out. I was sober for the letter though, and I hope it makes sense to other's besides me.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Changes are popping up everywhere.

I've taken some sort of spiritual or psychic upgrade and I see my life completely different than just two days ago. To a certain exctent I have been acting like there are thinks about my circumstances that can't be changed. So I try to find peace inside these to bumper rails. This isn't it, there is more to come and suddenly changes do not seem as impossible. Do you or I , understand that there are very few things that can't be changed, and those can be adapted.  I caught the briefest , quickest glimpse at my possibility and I want more. lol It's a story that has never been told the way my life can tell it. I saw a friend who is quite sick, and their face had the tell tale signs of approaching an exit from this plane, and I was so caught off guard and I was filled with panic, and even my instinct said retreat, I felt my arm reaching forward to caress their face. Even as I type this I have goose bumps. The human side freaked out but my spirit reached to love that face. That is is the crazy part of being a human being. When I had my spiritual experience and my spirit separated from my ego, the spirit directs me most of the time unless I think I am going lose something I have or not get something I want. The human side may get caught up in the awkwardness of fear, but I know what spirit sounds like, and he doesn't sound the same as fear. I love it when I feel god working through me.  I used to love the prayer when I was a big AA going, that asked "Make me a vessel".  I realize fully today, I'm a spirit having a human experience and I'm grateful that our found my way to to the Source.
The part that reached  for my sick friends face, that little connection of spirit, was the thing I tried so hard to kill off. It remained and  as hard as I tried, I couldn't break free of it. I couldn't ignore it, I couldn't drink or drug it away. It was my connection to a power greater than me and now I am grateful I didn't get my way.

Monday, July 16, 2012


I've gained so much weight. I had lost 40 and gained back 60 in a matter of a handful of months. There is a part of me that thinks I should harness that hatred as some sort of fucked up dieting fuel but I know it wouldn't work. The fact is when I look in the mirror , I see a reflection of someone I have warm feelings for and I don't want to punish myself as some sort of bullying mother figure who hates her kid is the fat boy of the class.

I know that I have found a way to use the 12 Step Group to stop using drugs and to love myself more, now I have to figure out how to plug over eating or eating to medicate moments I don't want to be here. It works on all addictions not just pills, booze, or sex. So, this food addiction, eating to make the brain chemicals that make me feel safe and worm is killing me and I have to stop before I reach 4 hundred pounds. So I have asked my Higher Power to release me from this bondage of hurting myself with food. One moment at a time and there is no fixing this for good, just a moment by moment bits of freedom that string together  a bridge out of this prison.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I don't have what it takes to understand some people in the U.S.

All this fuss over "Obamacare", I wasn't there but I can't imagine, the installation of Social Security and Medicare were not very popular either with money being removed from workers salaries for some "conceived " date they may live to get it back if they are lucky. Folks didn't live as long then and no one would even receive a penny for 5 more years to come even though the tax started the day it was approved The benefits began paying the first recipients in 1940 , the law was passed in 1935. 5 years passed before a dime was shared in benefits. At least we know what health care is. Someone is sick, and they go for treatment and a portion of the fee is absorbed by an insurance company.In '35 they had no idea what this "pension" for old people was going to do. 1965 was the year Medicare was created and again, this couldn't have went over well with young workers in their twenties and thirties, "why should my wage pay for people I don't even know and pay for a benefit I may never receive". In 1965 the year of "Birth of Medicare" the "what's in it for me" vibe was already going strong in the U.S.

This isn't a political issue, it's been high jacked with the left and right arguing fairness and legality. I guarantee that someone you love either has no insurance or at sometime in the future won't when illness strikes and unless you can open your wallet and pay for 50,000 dollar breast cancer treatment, your sick friend will be thankful it exist. Her family will be thankful SHE still exist. She may sit for your kids, teach you Sunday school or check you out at the grocery. or it may be a he and he has employed your brother or sister at the hardware store for years. Anyone can fall ill, but as it stands now, only some lives are worth saving according to the fight of all the talking heads who's job it is is to stir the pot and ruffle the feathers in hopes that you are filled with enough fear you lose your senses completely and follow them like the thoughtless thousands. Why are the working poor and the middle , middle class people on the planet and in the U.S. the ones we don't readily try to medically aid. We can send the "Comfort Ships"to Tsunami Victims but getting a working mother of two a breast examine is unnecessary, completely out of the question. Take out all the rhetoric and you have only one issue, who's life is worth saving and at what cost? In this time, when peoples fortunes disappear over night, the very thing all these angry people are fighting against could in theory save their lives or their spouses . I don't believe this is about money, I believe it's one side can't let the other side win and the "people" get lost in collateral damage. For just one twenty four period, take a small notebook with you and write down everyone you come in contact with and at the day's end, decided who gets to die of cancer, who goes blind, who loses a colon, who lives for 5 years with cancer eating away the outside of their face because of lack of medical care, after all , by saying you know who deserves health care, this should not be a problem for you at all. So tell me, who do you deem worth saving and who gets to die today?

I have been on Medicaid and Medicaid since 2001 and I have had treatment that would have been completely unavailable to me were I not disabled and on Federal /State Insurance. My gratitude is immense and I guarantee the benefits I have used for 11 years will be changed or completely altered with the new health bill. I'm ok with losing something or a portion of something so that someone else may get their illness treated. I believed my family and my teachers when I was taught as a child to share and be fair, even when it isn't returned it is very important for ME to share and be fair.

I have a friend with a son on duty in Afghanistan, how can I ask her to share her son with the service in a military action that no one is even sure if there is an end to, if I can't share my insurance with the citizens of our country and with the citizens of Texas. In the two World Wars, we all sacrificed right down to sugar and gas, we took national pride is sacrificing at home for the servicemen over seas for "OUR FREEDOMS" . Are we a different country than in those times have we changed for the worse in that great of capacity? In the end "sharing" may not be a concept or a lesson that can be taught at a late age in 2012 to adults consumed with "ME" and "FEAR of losing something they have or not getting something they want. As a Texan and foremost as a human being, I don't think in the end of it all I will regret giving and sharing, oh yeah and being grateful. All I can do , is all I can do and Foxnews and MSNBC can continue holding frightened people hostage. Either way, I"m kind of OK, and I always will be because I just don't buy the hype today.

Saturday, July 7, 2012