Thursday, June 9, 2011

Another friend crosses the finish line.

I had a notice on Facebook that a friend of mine had died. His made found him and they suspect heart attack. I suspect he finally took to many pills.  I have not spoken with him in a while. He got pissed at me for not paying enough attention to him as he told me a tale that was hindered by too much Klonipin. He blocked my number. He was a huge huge fan of disco. When I got home I pulled up Donna Summer singling "McArthur Park" and cried. It was the first time I ever cried over the death of someone. Not being on Paxil left me free enough to feel and have an honest emotion.  I cried for the laughter he brought to me, and his fierce allegiance. He was a real Yankee pain in the ass but he was so easy to love. I had a great history of friendship with him and I think I grieved some of my on history along with his, those beautiful boys we were are just a part of the history in my heart..  He never could get clean. He kept believing if he could just get everything together house wise, money wise he would be happy. As far as I know he died funny but not fulfilled. He was a poet, and when he forced me to recieve his book of poetry I told him I wasn't a fan of poems. He really wanted me to have a copy of his book and I told him, OK, but I am not reading it and I don't want you to ask what I thought. I don't have the component to enjoy poetry.  I did read a couple of them and it was so intimate I felt like I was peeking in his private journal. Which pleased him much.  So to my funny friend Michael Tague of Fort Dodge Iowa, I will see you on the other side of the finish line. You were a true kindred spirit and every time I hear the driving beat of a disco song, I'll look for you. Thank you for being my favorite pain in the ass. Elvis has indeed, left the building.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


I caught the last 5 minutes of the update "Unsolved Mysteries today. There was a jewish man who was 14 when the concentration camp was liberated. He ran into a young soldier who gave him food. Overcome the kid dropped to his Knees and held onto the young soldiers leg. The soldier stroked his shaved head and kept telling him over and over that it would be ok.

The grown up man recalls the story and broke down in tears when the soldier touched him, hugged him. He smelled, he was covered in lice but the soldier didn't care. He just had this moment with this kid. He got rations for the boy and the others and he was never seen again.

I want to be the soldier. I want to touch, to hug and to love people that think they are too dirty for such human touch. It is like a magnetic pull in the core of my chest to love like this. I don't know how it's going to happen but I feel like it is. Not only was I born this way, my life of not feeling love is my greatest teacher on what people need and how to give love to them in a way they can feel.

In '82 when I went to the dentist, it was the first time Universal Health Precautions had started and I remember feeling like I was to dirty for the dentist to touch. The rubber gloves freaked me out. I knew exactly what he meant when he was taken by surprised someone was willing to touch him. It's a struggle for me to feel worthy of touch, but I have no problem at all giving love. My problem is receiving it without becoming nauseous.

Monday, June 6, 2011

At over 40 I am still figuring out how I feel.

I've had three days in a row where I have been completely unable to articulate what I am feeling. No sadness or depression just rather flat and tired. I feel the way I always thought mononucleosis would make me feel. So what have I done, I've meditated, read, talked with recovery buds, went to meetings, talked with my sponsor and just waited for me to feel my way past whatever is going on. Even if I felt this way forever it is still miles better than what pre-recovery Clinton felt like.  I like the the fireworks and bells+whistles, so the lower end of the spectrum of feelings kind of freak me out. I finally weight today and was very happy with 17 pounds lost,, plus I had on my big earth sandals that weight over 3 pounds. I just didn't want to seem desperate by taking my shoes off to see the scale go down three more pounds. It's still a very long way to go but I feel like i have made a good start. Don't forget I gained 40 pounds in my first year of recovery. I want my relationship with food normalized and I am using my recovery program to get to where I want to be. Food nor drugs have power over me today and I find I am learning stuff in the food area that directly relates to my drug addiction. I told the story of the mini-Hershey bar story today at noon. If I didn't eat the one mini-bar, I wouldn't eat the whole bag then hate myself for doing it.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I realized this is simplistic, so it would never work today. The United States doesn't make anything. No TV's , no clothes, no anything. Why should it be a surprise we  have no jobs for people. We need a product besides badly behaved movie stars and wanna be reality people. FDR put people to work by building roads, and damns and fixing land and soil  problems that  partly caused the dust bowl. The documentary of the Dallas family that removed everything from their home that wasn't made in the U.S.A nearly completely gave up it was such a task. Did you know not a single tv on the planet is made in the U.S.? Even Film makers film out of the country because it's so much cheaper. American movies are technically, foreign films.