Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I still can sing the words to commercials of the day and Tuesday night with "Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley followed by Three's company" was and is the best line up ABC ever had. I lived for the "Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" on Saturday Nights, and the "Wonderful World of Disney" and "Punky Brewster" on Sundays.
The girls from "The Facts of Life" still seem like real friends. I had a dream last week about the gal who played Blair and was from Texas it was messed up but she was in it.
The problem with losing myself in TV and movies was, the fact that the credits rolled when the story resolved and that was that. I've struggle many times when I get everything set up well for myself and then want to yell "Roll the fucking credits". But the only credits we get here on earth are the ones they tap into marble with your start date and end date down to the bone yard,
I also thought that a Kodak moment was coming and that when a big enough catastrophe happened I would cease to exist. Some event was coming that would shatter me and I would be gone.
It's only now at 42 that I realize I have already had many of those moments and I am still here. If the collapse of the two Trade Center buildings didn't brake NY, nothing can break me unless I surrender to it instead of the flow of life and energy that will carry me to a better spot if I do the foot work.
I have loved ones who have lost children and they didn't die from grief. They hurt like hell but they go on, willing to feel better.
Am I willing to feel better? Most of the time. Life seldom allows me or you to be done with a thing and put a nice neat bow on it and today, that is ok. The story isn't about the beginning. It isn't about the end. It is about the space in between those to where life takes place.
My past is compelling but not unique. I have no less or no more to deal with than everyone else on the planet. My attitude and my hope level are the only things that can keep me from moving forward to a better version of myself. Clinton 2.0.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I've been in AA where the middle aged white business men say "God of your own understanding' wink wink" in other words til you get well enough for jesus and sunday school. I never made it back to Sunday school thankfully because it would have just confused me more.
If you want to have a god, GREAT! But just make sure it is a God of YOUR understanding, not your fathers, or Aunt Pearlines or Jimmy Swaggers or Mr. Osteens.
The only way that the spiritual power that is available to us all can be utilized is when we find our own way there to it.
DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHO OR WHAT to believe in. Listen to your inner voice and you will be able to detect the markers to get you back from where you came. Your own concept is the only concept that matters and your life absolutely depends on it. I am talking about your life, here and now, not the one religion tells you that will be won or lost depending on you play the game of humanity in your life on earth.
My friend Gary said his higher power was whatever the power was the could take a brown bulb that looked like a poodle turd and pull those pink and green leaves of caladiums out of it was enough of a high power for him. I pretty much agree. It just lets me know there is a force that even at the stage of the planting season I am in, can pull something beautiful out of me.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I remember when I was little and started to avoid living in the moment because that meant feeling the feelings of that moment which weren't good feeling feelings. I learned to sneak away where I could be myself, eat my chocolate contraband. I would sneak in the kitchen when everyone was asleep and graze by the GE Light Bulb in the fridge. Little by little I completely moved out of living in the moment. The moment is where you get hurt pain can only swallow you up in the moment. Even as a 42 year old semi-grown man, I get warm thinking about disappearing with a pizza or bucket of chicken or ice cream and just eat by myself. The hormones that are released in my brain at the smell or site of food is as overwhelmingly addictive as nicotine or heroin.
I'm not sure I can explain so a stranger would understand, but I feel like this is one of the big key chunks of the lose and gain cycle that has been my life for 25 years or so. I don't want to be eating lunch and thinking about what i can eat for dinner. It's addiction it is slavery to the refrigerator and it will kill me. Starve off 50 pounds gain back 65lbs.
I want to have plenty of space in my life for delicious food. I just don't want to try to use it as a coping tool. lol This issue is completely tied in with my prescription drug addiction and alcohol issues. My brain thinks it needs medication for me to handle living in the present. Something to cut the edge, or calm my anxious feelings. So I'm practicing noticing when I am NOT in the moment and practicing getting back to it as soon as I see I am future tripping or picking through some painful event from my past.
I think about to those unfortunate bastards who have gone through the hell of gastric bypass then become alcoholics or sex addicts. Until those lucky men and women, and myself get to the core of "what's eating us" the pain will continue to have us finding other ways to dull our ache. In the 70's people I knew of actually wired their jaws shut surgically. My mouth isn't my issue. My issue is my issue, and that is hideously low self esteem and the inability to be present in the moment. I do want to say, that when I mention living in the moment, it is living in the moment without the ghost of the past trying to shape my perception of it. To let the present unfold in front of me with painful specters trying to convince me that something bad is going to happen if I open up and try to enjoy my life.
That is a really hard one for me guys. lol
I think this stuff is fascinating. If you see yourself in any of this craziness let me know. If it bored you to tears, DON"T LET ME KNOW> lol
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Any loss on the scale today is a victory in the sense that I had to battle my greatest foe to get the pound off -myself and my small thinking, and years years years of using food as medication. I no longer Starve a cold and Feed a feeling.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
I'm really kind of over come with a peace and stillness at the moment and I am hoping I can ride it through my whole day. I'm really going to push myself to be a joiner today at the festivities. I can't stand on the sidelines in fear and get out of this program what I want. I am here to learn a clean way of living and to have the spirit of N.A. overhaul my life and thinking from the ground up. To get what I want I have to put myself in socially uncomfortable positions, I have to love whether or not it is returned and I must continue to extend my hand to everyone. Even the people that scare me for whatever reasons.
I'm 42, I've made monstrously bad decisions and have fucked up completely more times that I care to mention, BUT it all falls nicely under the category of how NOT to be the human I long to be. My greatest mistakes become the very platform I stand on to help others. My recovery isn't a theory. It isn't a Lifetime movie of the week. All my experiences that lead up to even this note I am pinning now are ultimately the very things that will save my life, qualify me to share with others and give me my own specialization when it comes to which newcomers I can best work with.
I've been thinking of the prayer in the AA book called the 7th step prayer that a sponsor made me memorize, it's fuzzy but it is something like, "I offer myself to the to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them my bear witness to those I would help of thy power, they glory and thy way of life, my I do thy will always."
Taking out the heavy Christian references , I am left with the beauty of surrendering to the power of the universe, having all the things that hold me back or trip me up removed, so that I can then use my super power of love to help those poor fuckers like me find a way to peace and help them find the place on the planet they too can save spirits from destruction at their own hands.
I am greatful, GRATEFUL.
Universe help me to love, forgive and heal.
ps. I CANNOT believe I remembered so much of that AA Big Book Pray. I haven't seen the book in 10 years. It's either the 7th step prayer or the 11th. It doesn't matter where it comes from only that I embody its essence.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
We all know that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were destroyed in August 1945 by atomic bombs.
However, most of us know very little about the progress made by the people of that land during
the past 64 years.
Here is HIROSHIMA - 64 YEARS LATER!