Friday, June 5, 2009

Are you there god? It's me again Margret.

I've been back on Weight Watchers a while now. In my 25 year dieting history I haven't been so good to my body when I focus on removing weight. Frankly I was always very successful at the long term starvation ones. I slept late late late today had some lunch to get the calorie burning in high gear and then have been out and busy since lunch. I got home just moments ago and realized I had eaten since lunch. First instinct was to go to bed and really conserve those cals for today. Then the directive thought that has really changed my being over the last few years spoke up. I really do like my self and this body enough to prepare a meal and eat it. Not because I want it, but because a human body needs food for fuel. Isn't that a trip. When you have no self esteem you don't think thoughts like that. It's still new enough for me to log on and write it down. Look ma! No hands!

I spent some time with a very diverse group and a friend who is very hooked up with small town histories would share about about the other people while I sat next to her. There were two people that I have really come to like and I am aware that both of them have been through alot in their lives.

One lost a child fairly recently and I started to think, "Oh, I can't imagine what that it like". Then I remembered something I had said in a meeting years ago that "Pain is Pain and it Demands Respect". I'm not sure why I thought of that when I said it because on a scale of depth from 1 to 10 I was at most a 4. Because pain, emotional and physical have introduced themselves personally to me, all I have to do is see it on someone else and I have a connection that you can't fake your way into.

I think one day I will just demand that all future friends must have had immense internal emotional pain or the physical kind can also do. For those that live it and live through it, it just adds so much sparkle to how interesting I think someone is.

Now, given a redo I might be a small enough human to say "skip it" if I was magically given the choice. People who have lived a life are so much more interesting than the prom queen who got everything.

There is definately a place for all of us. If you want to sit next to me though a darkside expressed through humor is divine.

When I started listening to my inner voice, even on the smallest of things (Like which way to go to the dollar store, I got the most suprising pay off. I began to think of myself as a whole human being. It became a lot easier, a LOT easier to make decisions because I had listened to myself. The outcome became secondary to being a fully realized human being.

This is the stuff I have waited my whole like to "Get".

I am really thankful to be single, never married and no kids. I don't see how anyone can research life and keep up with all those responsibilities.

I read an article that computers and video games were stunting kids ability to learn compassion and empathy.

That was scary to me because compassion has always been my SUPERPOWER and when I couldn't muster up any caring for myself, I could always, always feel for another and try my best to make their way better. Even if it was just for a moment.


It's really hard for me to go back and proof read anything I have written because I then start deleting sentence that make me feel exposed. So hope you can decipher this, my brain goes so fast sometimes that my hands just cannot keep up.