Tuesday, August 31, 2010

How TV and Film fucked me up. lol

I was a child of Television. I was so miserable in my own life growing up and TV was sooooo good in the 70's and early 80's it saved my life. I had no way of knowing that the way I felt wouldn't last forever and I certainly wouldn't have known there were people out there that were funny and theatrical. I was a freak in my corner of the world.

I still can sing the words to commercials of the day and Tuesday night with "Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley followed by Three's company" was and is the best line up ABC ever had. I lived for the "Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" on Saturday Nights, and the "Wonderful World of Disney" and "Punky Brewster" on Sundays.

The girls from "The Facts of Life" still seem like real friends. I had a dream last week about the gal who played Blair and was from Texas it was messed up but she was in it.

The problem with losing myself in TV and movies was, the fact that the credits rolled when the story resolved and that was that. I've struggle many times when I get everything set up well for myself and then want to yell "Roll the fucking credits". But the only credits we get here on earth are the ones they tap into marble with your start date and end date down to the bone yard,

I also thought that a Kodak moment was coming and that when a big enough catastrophe happened I would cease to exist. Some event was coming that would shatter me and I would be gone.

It's only now at 42 that I realize I have already had many of those moments and I am still here. If the collapse of the two Trade Center buildings didn't brake NY, nothing can break me unless I surrender to it instead of the flow of life and energy that will carry me to a better spot if I do the foot work.

I have loved ones who have lost children and they didn't die from grief. They hurt like hell but they go on, willing to feel better.

Am I willing to feel better? Most of the time. Life seldom allows me or you to be done with a thing and put a nice neat bow on it and today, that is ok. The story isn't about the beginning. It isn't about the end. It is about the space in between those to where life takes place.

My past is compelling but not unique. I have no less or no more to deal with than everyone else on the planet. My attitude and my hope level are the only things that can keep me from moving forward to a better version of myself. Clinton 2.0.