Nice boys don't get angry. To be angry is to be ugly. To let someone see you angry lets them know they can get to you. Anger is close to insanity because when I am in it, i am not rational. Anger means I am out of control. So I learned to stuff it, feel bad about getting angry, punish myself for getting angry. I've never hit anyone in my entire life and I only told someone what I thought of them once face to face. I have roughly 40 years of "mad as hell" trying to come to the surface. I'm not using anything to alter the anger, I'm trying not to eat myself into misery and more self loathing and I"m trying very hard not to take it out on someone. I've talked about it and I don't believe it is going to swallow me whole, but I do wonder about the resolution. What happens now. If I take the time to feel it all , what then? I might could figure a way to suppress it and smash it down for a little while but I won't learn how to properly deal with anger as it comes up. The unfortunate thing for me is I have a fucking backlog of it and not much practice in feeling it and not turning on myself. I honestly feel like a giant sore thumb and I find myself bumping it in everything I do. My life as a giant bruise, chapter 1. lol The balance of feeling it, not being an asshole to people I come in contact with and not hurting myself is the only recipe I have to live to see another day. What is appropriate and what is pure sickness?
Pay no attention to the raging bitch in the corner